Traits good or bad

I have had so many memories pop up this week. I am not sure if it was seeing family that I haven't seen for years or just my normal dorky brain spitting out random "clips of childhood". I know I have always been stubborn. Not a character trait that has always kept me out of trouble, but..... it has always been there. When things were at there worst, there was my stubborn refusal to give in. When things were going ok, there was my stubborn attitude to throw a kink in things. It has always been there.


The memory that popped up to remind me of this was from back when I was in the home. If you have read any of my blog before you probably heard me speak about my mother's condition. For those that haven't she is paranoid schizophrenic, to the max. When I was young and still loved with the innocence of a child I loved my mother dearly. She scared me with her strangeness but I still loved her. After we were taken from her she moved all the way to Washington state. She would send letters sometimes. In some of her letters she would talk about getting us back. The people at the home were concerned. I don't know if they believed my mom was going to try to sneak us away or what. But I remember on two occasions they called me down to the main office. I had received a letter from my mom and they wanted me to open it, give it to them, and let them read it 1st. Then if they thought it was ok.....then they would let me read it. OH DEAR GOD! I saw red! I was livid!!! I don't think I was more than 12-13 yrs of age. BUT they knew I was pissed. I didn't say a thing but if you have ever been so mad that your face feels hot you will know what I am talking about. They spent a long time talking to me and trying to calm me down. When they finally handed me the letter I RIPPED it into the smallest pieces that I could, threw it in the trash by the directors desk, and then asked if there was anything else that they wanted from me. I can still see their faces today. I was too mad back then to laugh but I have smiled several times this week since I remembered this.

The next letter I got they called me down to the office again, they spent a longggggggg time talking to me and I got the hot face stubbornness again. This time I did talk to them. I told them to just throw all of her letters away. That I would never open my letters for them to read. I guess they believed me. I can't remember how long it was before I got a letter from my mother again. I know it was a pretty long time. But I guess they gave up or figured out that my mom had no way to get back to Oklahoma from the west coast to steal me away. Boy did I carry a chip on my shoulder for a long time after that. I don't think I said one nice thing to an adult for weeks or months. I spent a lot of time grounded in my room. That did not bother me. I wasn't good company for anyone and I just got in more trouble when I was around a grown up. I know they realized that grounding me did not hurt my feelings. As an adult I can look back and see they were more than likely just as glad to get me out of the way. I really was not a nice kid.

It wasn't just stubbornness that got me in trouble, my temper always did loosen my big mouth. I remember the time 3 of us girls were supposed to go to a movie. I do believe our behavior that day ruined anyone else ever getting to take the old love bug out with out supervision. We did not go to a movie. We went to drive down Tulsa's "drag" Memorial Drive. It was a Friday or Saturday night and it did not take long for us to find a group of cute guys to hang out with. Boy were they cute, and they had motorcycles. I don't remember the girls name that did the driving. There were just too many kids that came and went. But I do remember the younger girl, she was a distant cousin of mine. Her name was Teri and she was about 14 yrs old. The older girl and myself made the smart choice to go ride with the cute guys on the motorcycles and had Teri, the 14 yr old, drive the car. Teri had never driven a car. Of course all "drags" have cops. They must have cops because all kids are brats. Yes it is true, all of us were brats. Some worse, some better. Any way of course the cops saw the 14 yr old trying to drive a stick shift (failing badly at it too from what she said) and pulled her over. I don't know how that played out but I can see the cops running the tag on the car and figuring out that it belonged to Turley Children's Home. So my fun came to an end when the cops figured out which 2 girls riding on the back of motorcycles really belonged locked back up at the home. I had my 1st ride in the back of a cop car. He took me to the Director's car. The Director was not happy. He had a hot face. I could tell he did because it was really red. I knew that feeling well. When all 3 of us girls were loaded in the back of the Director's car, and the cops left, he started in on the lecturing. I have never been a fan of that kind of crap. I knew I was in trouble, I was always in trouble. It only took a few moments for me to get really sick of listening to the Director. I was mad and my temper got the better of my mouth. I know it was my own fault. I knew that then. I just did not want to hear the Director flap his lips. So I told him that I knew I was in trouble and he could just shut up. That did not go over well. His face got even more red. I wish I could remember everything that I said. I know I said several swear words and some really nasty things to him. I know that if the Director hadn't been driving he would have hit me. Right in my smart mouth. That is what I would do if I was him. He had better control of his temper than I ever have thank goodness. I was grounded for a decade or two, plus I got a million swats. I deserved every bit of it.

My stubbornness and my temper have gotten me in a lot of trouble over the years. But they have also pulled me through some tough times. I still struggle with both of these traits. Ask my boss. He has seen my hot face a few times. I think I scared him when he 1st started working for the PD. He told me after about a year that he was finally getting used to my bluntness. I thought that was a pretty nice way for him to put it.