Translate

Friday, August 27, 2010

Picture

In the effort to find something to do I have started taking pictures.  A few years ago I didn't even want a camera around.  I don't like my picture taken because I don't take good pictures.  Now that there is one in the house I have come to love a digital camera.  I will post a few pictures that I take.  Even a few of myself.  I do delete most of the photos of myself after a while.  I just don't like the way I look.  Scars, moles, wrinkles or too fat.  So if you see one that you like you should save it.  I will delete them completely. 
Here is one I took of myself this week.  Not sure how long I will keep it.
I like the pictures that I take outside much better.  I love trees, clouds and just about anything green.   I have taken so many photos of the park where I walk and in my back yard this summer.  I like the way a camera makes me stop and look at things differently.  I have enjoyed going back and looking at the photos later too.  I hope it will take a bit of the edge off this winter when it gets too cold.  I wonder if I will be motivated to brave the cold to take pictures?  I just do not like the cold.  It makes my bones feel brittle.  The heat is so much better.  It is uncomfortable when it is really hot but a little sweat does not hurt like the cold does.  I actually like the smell of earth when it is baking in the sun.  Grass smells good when the sun warms it up.  I also like the sound of summer.  I like hearing birds and bugs make all of their noise. 
I have been eyeballing a fancier camera.  I am so tempted.  The only thing holding me back is the price.  It sure is a lot of money to spend.  But all the things I try to do with my little point and click that back fire would become possible with a nicer camera.  Maybe I should ask for that to be my birthday present?  It is more than we usually spend on presents...... but I sure am tempted.  If I make it a combo birthday & Christmas?  That would take care of both in one.  That idea does make me feel better about spending that much. 
So here is another of my traits.  I am a tight wad.  I don't like spending money.  It spends way faster than I can make it.  I have not taken the time to figure out how many hours I will have to work to earn enough to buy the camera.  Pretty sure if I do that I will never buy it.   

Monday, August 23, 2010

Monday

I have an appointment with the surgeon in the morning.  Not looking forward to having a stranger poke on me.  Gives me the creeps just thinking about it.  What can I say.....everyone has things they don't like and one of mine is a stranger touching me.  I know where it comes from but that doesn't seem to make it any more pleasant.  It is a sign of how much I am hurting.  I spent most of the weekend aching. 
It was a nice weekend.  My step son and his soon to be wife came to visit.  It was the 1st time to meet her.  I like her.  They are expecting a baby boy this fall.  I already called dibs on keeping him this spring whey they take a late honeymoon.  Mattie came over and spent part of the evening.  Then I got to see Kita Sunday evening.  So I got my kid fix this weekend. 
I am going to go spend next weekend with Kita.  I have only been able to spend an hour here and there with her for months so I am going to Stillwater Friday night and not coming home until Sunday.  I hope she can stand having mom around that long. 
Today was a bugger at work.  My co-worker called in sick and I was ready to shoot my phone by 1:00pm.  Here is a sample of one of my afternoon conversations.
It started out ok.......
"I would like to get copies of evidence photos and the in car video from the cop's car."
Once I got the case number I informed them that I could assist with the photos but they would have to get a subpoena to get any video.  Please notice how many times I have to say the same thing.  (This is why I need breaks from work on a regular basis.  Patience is not one of my strong points.....)

"That is not what I was told.  Last time I was told I had to have a subpoena to get 911 tapes."
My response was....Yes you do have to have a subpoena to get a 911 tape, but you also need one to get any videos listed as evidence.
"That is not what I was told last time.  I was told I only had to get a subpoena for 911 tapes."
My response.... I am sorry if you were told wrong or if there has been any confusion but you have to have a subpoena to get any videos listed as evidence.
"What about the Sunshine law?  You know the open records acts?"
Open records covers copies of reports and and files kept by the Records Dept.  It is our Dept's policy to always get a subpoena for any video or any 911 tapes when they ar listed as evidence.
"So how do I get a copy of the video?"
You get a subpoena and send it to the PD records.
"So you won't give me a copy of the in car video?"
If you have a subpoena I will give you a copy.

This went on for several more minutes.  I told them that I would not argue case law with them.  That I was just a records clerk following my department's. policy.  I finally told them that if they wanted to file a complaint about having to get a subpoena to get a video listed as evidence then I could forward them to my supervisor.  I forwarded the call and of course they hung up.  I guess they did not want to argue case law with my boss. 

So does anyone know how to get a copy of a video listed as evidence?  How about a copy of a 911 tape?

Of course while I was having this conversation I had another customer show up at the window and another phone call was coming in.  The customer at the window was not easy to help and the lady on the next phone call wasn't happy either. 
It was Monday all day long.  Ughhh!
Tuesday is going to be so much better.  I get to drive to south Tulsa and let a stranger poke on me.  It would be nice if the stranger gave me good news.  You know, like......You don't need surgery.  Here take this one little pill and all your troubles will go away. 
Don't worry I am not holding my breath.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Traits good or bad

I have had so many memories pop up this week. I am not sure if it was seeing family that I haven't seen for years or just my normal dorky brain spitting out random "clips of childhood". I know I have always been stubborn. Not a character trait that has always kept me out of trouble, but..... it has always been there. When things were at there worst, there was my stubborn refusal to give in. When things were going ok, there was my stubborn attitude to throw a kink in things. It has always been there.


The memory that popped up to remind me of this was from back when I was in the home. If you have read any of my blog before you probably heard me speak about my mother's condition. For those that haven't she is paranoid schizophrenic, to the max. When I was young and still loved with the innocence of a child I loved my mother dearly. She scared me with her strangeness but I still loved her. After we were taken from her she moved all the way to Washington state. She would send letters sometimes. In some of her letters she would talk about getting us back. The people at the home were concerned. I don't know if they believed my mom was going to try to sneak us away or what. But I remember on two occasions they called me down to the main office. I had received a letter from my mom and they wanted me to open it, give it to them, and let them read it 1st. Then if they thought it was ok.....then they would let me read it. OH DEAR GOD! I saw red! I was livid!!! I don't think I was more than 12-13 yrs of age. BUT they knew I was pissed. I didn't say a thing but if you have ever been so mad that your face feels hot you will know what I am talking about. They spent a long time talking to me and trying to calm me down. When they finally handed me the letter I RIPPED it into the smallest pieces that I could, threw it in the trash by the directors desk, and then asked if there was anything else that they wanted from me. I can still see their faces today. I was too mad back then to laugh but I have smiled several times this week since I remembered this.

The next letter I got they called me down to the office again, they spent a longggggggg time talking to me and I got the hot face stubbornness again. This time I did talk to them. I told them to just throw all of her letters away. That I would never open my letters for them to read. I guess they believed me. I can't remember how long it was before I got a letter from my mother again. I know it was a pretty long time. But I guess they gave up or figured out that my mom had no way to get back to Oklahoma from the west coast to steal me away. Boy did I carry a chip on my shoulder for a long time after that. I don't think I said one nice thing to an adult for weeks or months. I spent a lot of time grounded in my room. That did not bother me. I wasn't good company for anyone and I just got in more trouble when I was around a grown up. I know they realized that grounding me did not hurt my feelings. As an adult I can look back and see they were more than likely just as glad to get me out of the way. I really was not a nice kid.

It wasn't just stubbornness that got me in trouble, my temper always did loosen my big mouth. I remember the time 3 of us girls were supposed to go to a movie. I do believe our behavior that day ruined anyone else ever getting to take the old love bug out with out supervision. We did not go to a movie. We went to drive down Tulsa's "drag" Memorial Drive. It was a Friday or Saturday night and it did not take long for us to find a group of cute guys to hang out with. Boy were they cute, and they had motorcycles. I don't remember the girls name that did the driving. There were just too many kids that came and went. But I do remember the younger girl, she was a distant cousin of mine. Her name was Teri and she was about 14 yrs old. The older girl and myself made the smart choice to go ride with the cute guys on the motorcycles and had Teri, the 14 yr old, drive the car. Teri had never driven a car. Of course all "drags" have cops. They must have cops because all kids are brats. Yes it is true, all of us were brats. Some worse, some better. Any way of course the cops saw the 14 yr old trying to drive a stick shift (failing badly at it too from what she said) and pulled her over. I don't know how that played out but I can see the cops running the tag on the car and figuring out that it belonged to Turley Children's Home. So my fun came to an end when the cops figured out which 2 girls riding on the back of motorcycles really belonged locked back up at the home. I had my 1st ride in the back of a cop car. He took me to the Director's car. The Director was not happy. He had a hot face. I could tell he did because it was really red. I knew that feeling well. When all 3 of us girls were loaded in the back of the Director's car, and the cops left, he started in on the lecturing. I have never been a fan of that kind of crap. I knew I was in trouble, I was always in trouble. It only took a few moments for me to get really sick of listening to the Director. I was mad and my temper got the better of my mouth. I know it was my own fault. I knew that then. I just did not want to hear the Director flap his lips. So I told him that I knew I was in trouble and he could just shut up. That did not go over well. His face got even more red. I wish I could remember everything that I said. I know I said several swear words and some really nasty things to him. I know that if the Director hadn't been driving he would have hit me. Right in my smart mouth. That is what I would do if I was him. He had better control of his temper than I ever have thank goodness. I was grounded for a decade or two, plus I got a million swats. I deserved every bit of it.

My stubbornness and my temper have gotten me in a lot of trouble over the years. But they have also pulled me through some tough times. I still struggle with both of these traits. Ask my boss. He has seen my hot face a few times. I think I scared him when he 1st started working for the PD. He told me after about a year that he was finally getting used to my bluntness. I thought that was a pretty nice way for him to put it.

Friday, August 13, 2010

I love to read!

How, or better yet why, do I wonder around with blinders on?  Days or weeks later I will realize that yet again I have let something go unnoticed.  I can remember seeing it but I did not recognize it for what it is/was.  How do I do that?  Of course then I am tempted to ask to many questions.  Just because I finally noticed something does not give me the right to poke around in it.  I will borrow something my sister said to me this week, "Pain is personal".  Note to self = Do not poke around in other's pain!
A friend posted something by a poet that I haven't heard of yet.  Not that that is difficult, I don't read a lot of poetry.  But I do love to read and reading all about Rainer Rilke and his works has been enjoyable way to spend a Friday night.  I would never have found time to do something like this when my girls were still home.  They took most of my attention and what was left I gave to work, home, and husband.  Part of that "I was too busy making it through each day to enjoy it."  I would never have taken the time to really enjoy a good poem a few years ago.  I might have read it and thought how nice, but would have left it at that.  I feel it is past time I started noticing things other than just making it through the day.  My very favorite by Rilke that I have come across so far is "Extinguish Thou My Eyes"  To open yourself up enough to feel that?  It is not one of the poems listed as his most famous.  I will leave those for a little later.  Right now I am just enjoying have something nice to read.  I wish I could express my thoughts just a bit like a poet does.  They can say so much with so few words.  I am going back to read more.  : )

Repost Ego

Saturday, January 02, 2010

Ego



Yes I have one.

I don't get along with mine most of time.

I always fall on my face (hard) when I get to thinking I am "so good".

I don't want to be vain, it is ugly!

No I don’t think I am special. I just don’t want to be ugly. ; )

I am my own worst critic.

Pride in yourself can motivate you to try to be better.

Unfounded pride always ends up in the above mentioned fall!

A few weeks ago I stopped at Kum & Go to get caffeine. A nice guy held the door open for me. Then, with my nice hot cup of morning substance, I headed to the check out line. The same nice guy insisted that I get in line ahead of him. I smiled and thanked him but said "no thank you". When it was my turn to pay the clerk said "that the nice guy had already purchased my coffee".  I was a bit shocked and embarrassed.  Translation -I turned 20 shades of red

Once I got to work I thought about what had happened. It was nice to think that someone would see me and think I was "worth" doing that for. (Careful Deb, it hurts when you fall on your face!) So I reminded myself that the nice guy isn’t aware of all my faults.

Then a few days later while picking up food at my favorite BBQ place.... I was waiting for the waitress to get my order ready and a man walked up and started talking to me. I don’t even remember exactly what he said. I thought at 1st that it was someone that knew me but I couldn’t place him. I was so busy trying to place him that it took a bit for me to figure out that he was flirting with me! OH!! good grief I am a dork. I mumbled something stupid, paid for my food and left. Poor guy probably thought I was a stuck up bitch. So yet again, a bit embarrassed. (Yep, you guessed it. 20 shades of red)

Vanity IS ugly. BUT it is nice when someone that you don’t know makes you feel pretty. To bad I haven’t figured out how to handle it politely. I have always felt "sorry" for guys. I could never be the one to walk up to a stranger and initiate a conversation! You would think that at 40 plus I would be able to thank someone for the compliment without making a fool of myself or leaving them thinking "thank god she walked away"!

The older you get the less it happens...... the compliment things......I think I am running out of time to figure this one out.

Yes my husband tells me I am pretty. That doesn’t count. Not the same thing at all. We all know that love is blind! And I am not talking about looking for someone on the side!! I am talking about a person, that does not know you, paying you a nice compliment. (Rude comments do not count as compliments. LOL!!)

Anyway

For all of the of the nice guys out there, I don’t think I am the only dork that can’t figure this out. It did make me feel nice and thank you.

I am vain enough to hope that I get another chance to embarrass myself. Sad isn’t it? Why do we have to have an ego? I mean, really, why....?

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Myspace blog log

Deb


                      Today Week Total

Posts             0          0        32

Comments     0          0        15

Views            3          3       415

Kudos            0         0       2

This was the log from my old blog.  There were 3 people that looked at it today.  Nobody hardly ever left comments.  That did not set good with my nosy side.  : )
I didn't move all of them over.  That would be too much of a pain!

Back to cleaning the old myspace out so I can close it down. 

Repost My 1st post

This was my 1st post.  I didn't post very often at all. 
Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Vacation days!!

My car BROKE down!!. It stranded me in Walmart parking lot. So we called the wrecker and shipped it off to the dealer. They have had it 2 days and still can't figure out what is wrong with it! I hate car problems!



Still looking for a house. The one that I thought was great has a leaking chimney.



Was a good birthday. Had to go to training all day! That part sucked! Bruce took me to dinner and we will go shopping for my present this weekend. Nikita and Mattie sang me happy birthday over the phone while I was on a break at class. It was too funny!



I have the rest of the week off. YEA!! I think I am going to get the whole house cleaned.

Repost Memories

Saturday, March 28, 2009

Memories



I received an email from my lil sis this week. She had done a search on Turley Childrens Home and found that when the 3 of us (brother, sister and I) were in the "home" we made case law. She sent me the site and it was kinda cool reading it. Very techincal, but still reading your name in an Oklahoma Supreme Court Law decision..... That led me to a google search of Turley also.

I found a very interesting site. A lady that lived there a decade before me is doing a book about all of the abuse she and others lived through. I believe it is supposed to come out this fall. There are 4 stories on the site from ladies that were abused. It sure made me think of all I put up with while living there. I didn't have near the problems they did and some of my trouble I brought on myself.

Still.... I do have my "issues" that I can't seem to shake. One of them is that I will NEVER willingly go to another church service as long as I live!! I will not eat fried chicken, spam or corn flakes. Some of the issues, like having close friends, I have learned to live without. I am just more comfotable not "getting that close to people". I often come across as "cold" or as a "hard ass" but it is so much a part of my nature to not get too close. I have found that the people that I have bonded the most with is my children. Maybe that is why I have so much trouble with the "empty nest". So much of a person's nature is their past experiences and I have found that I drag way to much around.

Okay enough heavy stuff. Anyone have any good ideas on how to get rid of a tricky mouse???

Repost long week

Thursday, April 09, 2009

Long week

So Bruce and I went to a funeral today. It was his cousin Wesley's wife that died. She had been fighting cancer for 3 years and I think she was just worn out. She was such a nice lady and will be missed by everyone in her family. The service was a nice tribute to her. It was nice to visit with the in-laws today even if it was a sad occasion. The drive home was an adventure in battling the wind and smoke. There were several grass fires in the area and it got a little smoky for a few miles. The wind was brutal in Moore, OK today!

On a lighter note I am going to work Saturday and getting drunk. There is a class to teach the officer's SFST and they need drunks to learn on. It won't cost them much to get me drunk since I am such a light weight when it comes to alcohol. I just hope not to make a fool of myself since I seldom drink. Lord I hope not to get a headache from it!

It has been a long week and I only "worked" 3 days.

Repost Trying to make changes

Friday, December 11, 2009

Trying to make changes



I have been stuck in my comfortable rut for too long. It isn't even always comfortable. I am such a creature of habit. I love a routine. Wake up at the same time, go to work same time, go to sleep same time. Just because I have always done something doesn't mean I should still do it. I am trying to look at myself honestly. What can I change, or better yet what do I want to change?

I see things that I want to change, like smoking. I have been playing with this for months and something finally clicked. I put them down and I simply do not want one now. All of the times I tried to quit and failed. I don't know why this time is different, but I do not want one at all. I do find myself getting bored. I need to find something....



I avoided cameras and having my picture taken for years. I didn't like seeing how old and fat I looked in pictures. Funny because when I look at myself in the mirror I don't see myself as poorly as when I look at myself in a picture. So I have taken some pictures of myself. Even posted ones that I think are awful. I may not like the wrinkles but they are still there. It is not like nobody else can see them and when I realized that I started laughing at myself. Did I really think that with the mental image of myself at 25 (this is what seemed to be stuck in my head) I could ignore turning 30 then 40? Ok, can't change the fact that I will keep getting older. Can a sense of humor really be all I need for this........



When others asked "would you like to be young again?" I always said no. Life has been such a struggle for me. I don’t want to redo any of those battles! BUT I did say I would like to have the body I had when I was young. I was so active and I felt so much better. Somewhere I gave up on things that I enjoyed, like running, hiking and camping. I was so busy trying to make it through each day, week, month or year that I forgot to have fun. If I want to get rid of the "muffin top" then I need to make some real changes that I can live with. I was making some effort and then winter showed up. I do not like cold wind!! And will never stay motivated to go out in it. I have never joined a gym. I wonder if I have the courage to try.....



Always have had a problem walking into a room of strangers. Always fought the panic to run back out. I hate the feeling of all of the strangers looking at me. It was only recently that I realized this fear came from my childhood. Good grief the number of times I have faced this fear. Silly as it sounds I am amazed and frustrated that it is still there. I may understand why I have it but I still have to face it each time I do something new.

So I have made a start. I still have a long ways to go to get where I want to be.

Repost Digging up bones

Monday, January 04, 2010

Digging up bones.



I had my foster parent’s send me a friend request on facebook.

I am floored.

I never expected that.

Mr. & Mrs. Vaughn. I don't think I ever called them anything else. Mr. Vaughn was one of the directors of the Children's home that I grew up in. They were good people and gave me a glimpse of what a real family should be like.

I think I was in 7th grade, so 12 or 13 yrs old. I was best friends with their daughter Lesli. She was so pretty and so smart! We ended up competing in everything we did. That is why I ended up going back to the Home. It just didn’t work out. I can’t remember how long I stayed with them? They did end up adopting 3 boys from the home. Just really good people.

It is hard to look back. I see so many missed opportunities and chances. I can "if only" myself to DEATH! I try to sort things out. It would help if I could remember correctly! My coping skill as a kid was to forget things, as fast as I could. Literally forget them. I was assaulted as a child and forgot that until I was reminded by a well meaning family member. The bad thing about the ‘forgetting strategy" is that all of the hurt is still there and affects you, you just don’t know why you are afraid. (I missed out on lots of things because I was afraid!)

So now I am ruthless about digging into any hurt or imagined hurt and try to pull it all apart. This can be a slow process. It took me years to remember most of the childhood assault. I would get bits and pieces at a time. How I was tricked in to going inside.... The dirty dishes on the table..... The alcohol that was spilled in the plate...... I remember some of the things done to me, but I don’t think I remember it all. I remember having to testify in court and how terrified I was!! (Funny how I took a job that would require me to testify in court. Hmmm?)

I look back at what I can remember now as an adult. I struggle with the feelings and expectations I had as a child. I understand when the hurt comes from a childish longing and can put it aside. I do mourn a little for the child’s hurt. But a few tears usually take care of it. Wash it out and leave room for nicer things!

I was a young teenager when that "well meaning" family member reminded me. The best way I can describe it is that it felt like a very large person picked me up and slammed me into a wall! I remember having problems catching my breath. The look on my face must have told them that I was shocked.

As an adult I try to keep in mind that anything that I say can cause hurt.

Even if that is not the intention.

I should explain that while I was a Ward of the State, and lived in a Children’s Home, my Grandmother would pick up my brother, sister and myself on some weekends. We would stay Fri and Sat night then go back Sun afternoon. That is how the "well meaning" family members were able to bless us with their wisdom.

See how a simple friend request got my brain working. It happens to me a lot. I do believe that I over think things......

Putting my feelings, any of them, down on "paper" used to be painful. Now I find it helps me sort them out. It started when I tried to write down some of my experiences from the Home. At first I thought I would give it to a lady that was writing a book about the Home.

It was bad at the Home but it could have been worse if I had not gone there. I know that for sure!

Not everyone that worked at the Home was good. But some where very good. When I talked to the book lady a bit more through emails I noticed that she was only interested in the negative stuff. I decided that I did not want to be a part of something that would paint everything at the Home as bad.

I did get something good from the book lady. She had a register on her web page and I was able to reconnect with a few of the kids that were at the home with me. It is amazing to talk to them. I haven’t had the courage to call all of them yet but I do talk to them online some. Some have done better than others. I love hearing them talk about what they have done with their lives. Most of us kids that were at the Home where there because our Parents screwed up.

Not us, our parents!

So now I am trying to dig up the good bones from Mr. & Mrs. Vaughn. I do remember Mrs. Vaughn fed me frozen corn for the 1st time. I still love it! I won’t bore you with my nice list. But I am finding that the nice memories can make me shed a few tears too. Poke, poke poke at them bones........

Repost Sense of humor

Saturday, January 09, 2010

Sense of humor

Had a busy morning catching up on shopping. When we got home there was a message on the phone from my little sister, Lisa. She went to visit my mother in the hospital today. AND as usual it was not completely pleasant. She only left the basic info on the phone message and said she would fill me in later.

For those of you that do not know about my mother, she is a paranoid schizophrenic. She suffers from every delusion that could ever possibly be. I do mean EVERY delusion possible, but she does have her favorites. Lesbians, homosexuals and just plain gay people are one of her favorite subjects. In fact anything to do with sex or deviant sexual behavior is one of her favorite subjects.

I no longer have any contact with my mother. For my sanity and my children’s safety I had to walk away. I spent years listening to her "crazy shit", watching her turn "it" off when the cops showed up, and putting up with her refusal to take her meds. When I could no longer keep my girls insulated from her favorite subjects I walked away. She is not allowed to have my phone # and everyone in my family knows what will happen if they give it to her!

Anyway back to this morning’s fun for my sister. Lisa sent me a note with more of the details and I have to admit I was entertained! Lisa said that when she walked in to the hospital room it was full of doctors.

I don’t think I can tell it as good as she can so let me cut and paste the story she sent me.

So I went to see her to return her clothes that I took home last night to wash. Also had stopped at target to get her some new socks and underwear. When I got to her room she had about 8 doctors in there whith her, surrounding her bed. I am sure some were students. Boy did they ever learn! She was going on and on about the lesbian bitches and the freind that gave 5 million to the hospital, etc. One of them came over to me and I told him she is my mom. Another asked her if she knew me. She said, is that you Leslie, or is it Lisa. I said, you know it is both! She started babbling nonsense again and I told her to be quiet a minute so I could talk to the doctor. He explained she has diverticulosis, and had a flare up, which is called diverticulitis. they had her on antibiotics. He thought that her breathing was "exaserbated", by COPD. Then she shouts out, "Did you just say i was MASTERBATING??????" Did I mentioned she was shouting. I mean, SHOUTING????? OMG, I wanted to crawl under the bed. The doctors were all cracking up. He said she could go home this afternoon if they could arrange an emsa for her. I stayed after they left and put her name in her new socks and underwear. She was driving me crazy with crazy talk. When I got them all labeled, I got out as fast as I could.

Top 5 most embarrasing moments of my life

My sister and I have learned to laugh about this stuff. My mother has embarrassed both of us many times. It is not just that she says embarrassing things, she can be dangerous. She can get very mad when you do not agree with her delusions. In Lisa’s story you see where she asked if Lisa was "Leslie " or "Lisa", that is another one of her favorite delusions. That all of her kids are sets of twins. My older brother is Daniel/ Danny. I am Deborah/ Debbie and then little sister is Leslie/ Lisa. One of these twins is evil and mean, the other is nice. If you do not agree with her or do what she wants you to do then you are the evil twin! (Yes, I have been the evil twin on purpose some times.) I won’t go into details about how this has played out over the years. Just imagine every possible example and I can assure you it happened.

I do have to admit that I feel bad about leaving my sister to visit our mother all by herself. We talk about it regularly. She reminds me that for years I was the only one that took care of her. My mother has a sister and brother here in town and they do very little. It is more than I do, but it is sad that this is my mother’s life. I know that she has always loved her kids. But she has never been able to make responsible choices for herself or us. When we were placed in the Children’s home she tried to get us back. It went all the way to Oklahoma Supreme Court. Thank God she did not win! As much as I HATED that place it was so much better than living with her.

Here is part of the clip my little sister found online where her battle made case made Case Law here in Oklahoma.

 





MATTER OF DANIEL, DEBORAH AND LESLIE H.

No. 49830.

591 P.2d 1175

1979 OK 33

Decided: March 6, 1979.

Supreme Court of Oklahoma.

IN THE MATTER OF DANIEL, DEBORAH AND LESLIE H., CHILDREN UNDER 18 YEARS OF AGE, TO-WIT: 11, 10 & 8 YEARS.

Appeal from the District Court, Tulsa County, Juvenile and Family Relations Division, Joe Jennings, J.

?0 Appeal from the District Court, Tulsa County, Juvenile and Family Relations Division; Joe Jennings, Trial Judge, from order adjudicating children dependent. The appeal challenges the constitutionality of 10 O.S.Supp. 1972 ? 1101 (d) on ground of vagueness.

JUDGMENT OF TRIAL COURT AFFIRMED.

Charles R. Hogshead, Tulsa, for appellant.

Donald M. Bingman, Asst. Dist. Atty., Juvenile Bureau of the District Court, Tulsa, for appellee.

SIMMS, Justice:

?1 Barbara H., natural mother of Daniel, Deborah and Leslie, brings this appeal from an order of the Juvenile Division of the Tulsa County District Court adjudicating the children dependent within the purview of the Juvenile Code and making them wards of the court. Appellant challenges the constitutionality of 10 O.S.Supp. 1972 ? 1101 (d)

 

It blew me away when I read this for the 1st time. It answered some of my questions about how we got to the home to. Nobody in my family likes to admit how this really happened. I mean how do you tell 3 kids that nobody in the family wants to take care of them and that they are too much trouble? We were a lot of trouble too! We ran wild and did what we wanted. That will be a story for another time.

I am going to try to do a real blog. Not sure how long I will stay interested in it. Not sure what I should put down in black and white. I guess I will figure that out as I go.

Repost What?

Monday, January 18, 2010

What?

Just about the time I decide to write something each week I get stumped on what to say.

What else do I want to put down in words here? I am not sure how much more I am willing to put down! I have gone back and read what is already here and wonder, what was I thinking when I put that down?? It is hard to share some of the thoughts that go through my head. I have trouble conveying the feelings correctly. I erase tons more than I leave in here. I am not a writer! My thoughts bounce around more than my topics do.

For the most part I don’t want to write about work. That is how I make a living, I don’t want to be defined by that. There is too much ugly stuff at work. ( I have already confessed to not wanting to be ugly!)

I don’t want this to be a diary. I have way to many things that go through my brain that I should not share with others! I may never admit, fulfill, confess, or do most of those things but they are my thoughts and I don’t want to share them. Yet : )~

I think I have done enough "poor me crap", but I do want to put some of my childhood in here so that my kids and/or grand kids understand why I am the way I am. Plus it has helped me to put a lot of my childhood into perspective.

Sure don’t want this to be my forum for airing my dirty laundry! Watching some of my "friends" share some of the "drama" they have created in their lives is scary. I would want to crawl under a rock and hide from the shame I would feel.

So I sit here trying to think of something safe enough to share but interesting enough to go through the trouble of posting. I know that there are a few people that read this but not how many. My blog manager says that my blogs have been viewed 262 times. Not sure if that includes me going back over and re-reading or not. If so then I can take out about 5-6 of those views. I am glad that someone is reading it. I hope that they can laugh at me with myself. (No it does not say who views or how many times that a person views.)

My little sister keeps a blog on a different site and I really enjoy reading it. I love seeing her words written down! I understand her better because of the blog. Maybe I can get some of that kind of understanding about myself from this effort.

I know that I can write about anything that I am willing to share. But I find that sharing some of this stuff makes me feel vulnerable. That is not something that I am comfortable with. I have hidden behind my attitude for most of my life. It has kept most people at arms length and my heart safe. It is only now as an older adult that I start to figure out that also meant that I let fear keep me from many things. But mostly things that I would have felt deeply. Kinda hard to admit that I have been a chicken shit about so many things. Goes to show that the attitude was and is a bad idea most of the time. It is such a part of me now that I don’t think I can get rid of it completely. If I can learn to shut if off more....maybe. But I can’t redo choices made and regret leaves a bad feeling on my soul. I am making some progress on dealing with regrets.

Okay I really hate describing myself as an older adult. That really SUCKS! I just don’t understand how I got old! I remember very clearly as a child thinking that people in their 30's were old and anyone older was ancient!

Enough! I have gotten no where tonight and my brain hurts from the effort.



p.s. If you want to leave some kuddo or a comment so I know who is reading....

Yes I am asking you to feed my vanity. I know! My vanity and ego is something I am working on but not having much luck with it! Never did get anyone to say why we need egos! They are such a pain!

repost I like it... I love it

Sunday, January 24, 2010

I like it.... I love it......

I think I will share a few things that I like/love.....

I like to wake up all by myself. No alarm, no stolen covers, no cold doggy nose needing to go outside.

I like taking my time in the mornings. Even if it is a work day I want to get up early enough to take my time.

I like to be on time. I like it when others are on time too. ; )

I love it when it 1st starts to get warm again in the spring and the grass and trees turn green. The 1st flowers bloom and I can sit outside on the back patio and soak up the sun. I like to sit quietly and feel the sun on my face.

I like watching my co-worker’s face when an idiot comes to the window. He has several expressions that he will make that just crack me up!

I love hearing that the "bad guy" got convicted after hours, weeks, months or sometimes years of work have gone into a case.

I like quitting time. I really like quitting time. I always feel so much better when I get home.

I really like having my own home. It was my biggest dream as a kid, to have a place to call home that nobody could take from me. I like being at home. I don’t mind leaving for a bit, sometimes.....

I like the feeling when a job or chore is completed. The bigger the job the better the feeling!

You know, that feeling of accomplishment when you have done a job to the best of your ability.

I like when my daughters come visit me. I miss being a part of their daily life. I really love it when they get along, but that doesn’t happen very often.

I love the way the 1st cup of coffee taste in the morning.

I love to read. I will read just about anything, except a romance. I used to even read a romance if there was nothing else. But can’t stand to re-read the same things or hear about what the "ding bat" was wearing and that is all romances are.

I like ancient history. I always wanted to be an Archeologist when I was a kid. I didn’t make the right choices to fulfill that dream. So WHEN I watch tv it is usually history. I really like being able to turn the tv off when they start the usual, repeating the same old thing over and over and over. Did I mention that the media repeats things over and over? Drives me nuts. BUT this is about the things I like/love!

I like bringing up funny old family stories. I love it when I hear "Oh shut up"or mommmm.... It makes me laugh out loud.

I like "little boy guilty faces" on grown men. This also makes me laugh out loud!

I like a cup of warm tea if it is cold outside.

I love laughing until I have tears running down my cheeks.

I like the fact that I don’t have to choose between buying food or paying bills.

I love to turn the music up loud and sing to it. I really loved it when both girls were in the car with me and we had the music up loud and all sang along to it!

I love it when I get through a day without making a fool of myself. I have noticed that it happens a little more often now. Hmmmm, a plus to getting older??

I love the feeling right before I fall asleep. I am so relaxed and not thinking about anything. It is nice to turn the mind off on purpose! : )

So I found out who a few more of my readers are.....

So that makes about 5 that I know of.....

I like knowing things like this. It helps fulfill my nosy side.

Repost Snow

Original post on Saturday, January 30, 2010

Snow

Snow is pretty, but only on the surface. After it gets walked on or driven on it starts to get ugly. All the sludge that splatters along the roads just look awful! I am sure I could get used to it..... if I lived where it was more common.

Us Okies don't get much snow most of the time.

I can only remember one time as a kid that there was enough snow to build a snowman. There was probably other times, but since I didn’t get to play in it I guess it didn’t make enough of an impression for me to remember it.

I was living in Turley Childrens Home. I was a young teenager and it was a big deal because we got out of school. SNOW DAY!

I am trying to remember who all was outside playing that day?

My house parents were the Woolards and it was one of the better times when I lived at Turley. My brother and I were living together in the same house again. My little sister was in foster care so she wasn’t there. There was a skinny black boy named Mario. I can’t, for the life of me, think of his last name.

Wow! Memory just hit me!

Mario was outside. He fell and hit his head while crossing the street. Mrs Woolard sent him to get milk at the convenience store. He smacked his forehead on road and came back with a huge goose egg. But the fall was later in the day, after we spent hours playing.

I am really digging around in my head trying to think of who else lived in the cottage at that time?

Leslie Fouler was my roommate but I don’t know if she played that day. She was a few years older than me so we didn’t "hang out" together. She was a good roommate though. Kept quiet and was never mean to me. I knew she wasn’t happy when I was moved into her room. But she chilled out later on when I left her and her stuff alone.

Sorry, back to the snow day.

I know there where other kids from my cottage and some of the other cottages too. I just can’t think who all was there.....

I know I had so much fun. It is the only time I remember playing for hours in the snow as a kid.

I remember Mrs. Woolard would let us come in to get warm. She had hot cocoa for us. She put all of our wet stuff in the dryer while we warmed up and then would send us back out to play. The Childrens Home was on a very big piece of property and I do believe we trampled over most of it that day! There were several snowmen in several spots. We had a huge snowball fight! There were snow angels in any spot that was big enough to make one.

(If you could see me sitting here with my head in my hands, thinking so hard, trying to remember this. It is a good memory and I should remember more of it!)

Ahhh! Robert Ball also lived in our cottage and he was outside that day playing!

It was a good day! I almost gave up and went in several times because I was so cold. My gloves would get wet and my hands would be so numb! I remember my nose and ears hurt from the cold! It was hard to give up and leave everyone else out there having fun!

I wonder what happened to Mario, Leslie and Robert. I used to get into so much trouble for making fun of Robert. I still remember Mrs Woolard telling me "You have no right to ruin someone else’s day with your meanness". That stuck with me and made me realize what I was doing. I tried really hard to not be mean to Robert after that. I would like to know what happened to all of them.

The next time I remember a big snow I was a Senior in High School and living in Broken Arrow with a friend. I wasn’t in the home anymore. I was kicked out of that place the last day of my Junior year.

That will be a story for another day.

I had been on my own for several months and was just managing to keep a place to sleep. I had a black lab named Bocephus and my friend was very gracious to let him stay also. It was another one of those wonderful days called a snow day. Bo and I had a ball playing in the snow. I didn’t play outside near as long and gave up long before Bo was ready to quit playing. I have always wished that I would have played longer. I didn’t know it at the time but Bo had heart worms and he died in his sleep that night. I found him the next morning in the dog house that my friend let him use.

For years I figured that the wonderful snow days were only for kids. Every job I had still expected me to show up.

Then I moved to the Records Department.

Oh Wonderful Snow Days are back! If the City closes because of the weather then I do not have to go to work. I do not have to use any of my vacation time. The city pays me to have the day off!

I really enjoy 3 day weekends!

I will pay for it though. It is the beginning of a new month and at my job that is the busiest time. It also just happens to fall on a Monday. Mondays are the busiest day of the week.

I will worry about that on Monday. I still have 1 more day off to enjoy.

I have remembered another kid from that wonder snow day. His name was Dan. I haven't been able to remember his last name but I remember he was tall, skinny, had blonde hair, wore glasses and has a horrible burn scar on his neck. I wonder if I will think of someone else after I post this?

Sorry this blog has rambled so badly. I didn't edit it much at all.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Repost working on it

Original post on Thursday, July 29, 2010



Working on it.

 

I scheduled my MRI today. It will be next Wed. bright and early. I am supposed to be there to check in at 6:30am. So I get to drive to my favorite part of Tulsa, but at least it will be before most of the traffic!

I love the questions that they ask. Do you have any metal in your body? At this time I can say no to that. Of course if I have the surgery then next time I am asked that I will probably have to say yes.

Big sigh.

If they can fix me with metal and it makes me feel better, I can live with it.

I guess.

I posted on FB that I was trying to lose weight by walking/jogging and got all kinds of support and advice. Some online and some in person. I like the idea that one of the LT’s at work had. He says that the military has a new fitness program that they push that is supposed to help you get back into shape. Start out walking 5 min/ run 1 min and keep that up until it is easy then switch to walk 4 min/run 2 min. so on and so on......This might be worth a try. I can tell the difference the jogging has made for me in a little over a weeks time. But it stills feels like I am moving like a snail. Patience does not come easy to me.

I took my camera with me recently and took pictures of some of the things I pass during my "walk" through the park. The park was so full this week and there was lots to take pictures of. Football practice started and last few nights they were all gathered in the shade under my favorite tree. I caught myself slowing down so I could listen to the coaches talking to the kids. The memories it brought back made me smile. I had to change my route to stay out of their way but it is worth it to listen them each evening. I didn’t even realize that I hadn’t got a picture of my favorite tree until after I got home.

There is a site that I follow on my FB called Owasssoisms. I send the daily police log to the lady each morning and she also posts all kinds of things that go on in Owasso. She also takes wonderful pictures! She submitted one to another blog that I follow called Pioneer Woman. She won 1st place in the Water Photo contest. It sure makes me want to get motivated and get a better camera! Mine is just a little cheap thing. I need one that can take close ups and zoom in to things. I want sharper images.....

I did take my little camera with me to Tulsa tonight. I took some more "fun" photos of nothing in particular. I did take one of Mattie, and one of Aunt Mary and Grams. We played a few games with Grams but she seemed kinda lost tonight. I think I need to visit her more.

I slept horrible last night. I just could not get comfortable or to shut off my mind. It was close to 1:00 am before I fell asleep and the alarm went off at 5:00. I don’t do real well on 4 hours of sleep. (This might be an understatement)

SO..... Today I am 1 step closer to getting "the" disc fixed, made it through work on 4 hrs of sleep, didn’t bite anybody’s head off with my grumpiness, visited Grams, took photos, did my walk in the park and now I am going to review my photos and see if there is anything worth posting.

Repost Grams

Original post on, Thursday, July 22, 2010

Grams

I went to visit my Grams tonight. She has been out of town visiting her son in Oregon for the last few months. I miss her when she is gone but she has always traveled so I am used to it.

Grams is my mother's mom. She is a short lady with lots of attitude. She grew up with out much family. Her own mother was too busy chasing men to take care of her. Great Grandmother Zelia is known in the family for her many husbands. She left Grams to take care of herself and her little brother when Grams was still in High School.

Grams’ birthday is Friday. She will be 89 years old. She still gets around ok but her short term memory is gone. She smokes Pall Mall non filter cigs and likes her beer, Budweiser, in the can, and her coffee very STRONG! She needs her eyes checked , we all think she has cataracts. She hasn’t gone to a Doctor because nobody in the family can talk her into going to one.

The family did take her driving privileges away from her a few years ago and she is still PISSED about that. They have to hide her car keys from her.

I have really noticed that age has caught up with Grams the last few years. She has always been there in my life. She is who I spent most of my holidays with growing up. Even when we were put in the Children’s home she was still part of my life. We spent a lot of weekends with her.

Last Thanksgiving was the 1st year that I had with out Grams. Her kids sent her out of town early to AZ. She usually spends the winter in AZ but she usually goes after Turkey day. It just didn’t seem right with out Grams.

I know I don’t have many more years with her. I am just not sure how I will face a world with out her in it.

Repost Poems?? IDK really I don't!

I have no idea why I wrote poems.  As you can see they aren't very good.  But I guess I should move them over and not delete them when I close the myspace.  Don't expect much, you will be disappointed. 


Original post on, Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Fragile



My form has become fragile

 

Life keeps moving forward.

I feel it dragging me along.

What memory will I keep today?



I try not to look backwards.

It is a waste to judge each wrong.

But the past will have it’s say.



I can feel the gathering speed.

My wish is for the quiet.

Acceptance is a relief.



How to judge each need?

Denial causes the riot.

I will question the belief.


Original post on ,Saturday, July 24, 2010

Rattling

I hate the rattling between my ears.

How did age bring more tears?

It frustrates me and distracts me.

I wish it would find what wants to be.



Yet I keep being drawn in.

These thoughts from with in.

That rattle has an existence of its own.

Is it mine or just on loan?

Repost Making peace with my name.

Original post on Sunday, July 11, 2010

Making peace with my name.



My little Sister, my Step Mother and myself have been scanning and sharing old photos. It has been so much fun to look back at them. I miss the family members that have passed and it was nice to see their faces again even if it was just in a photo. My Step Mother has some OLD family photos. Pictures of the Hamil side of the family. I have only met most of them 1 or 2 times in my life and it is nice to see that side of my family.

My Uncle Bud, my dad’s big brother, is still alive and I asked him & his wife to look at the scanned photos that were not marked on the back to see if they could put names to the faces. There is one that is a large group of people that I was told was taken in the early 1950's. It has my great Grandmother Hamil in it. And 6 of her 8 children. Yes 8 children. I didn’t even know there were that many siblings in my grandfathers family. I was a teenager before I met my grandfather Fred Hamil. He wasn’t a very nice man. He was also a child molester. That is why my Grandmother Lottie divorced him. My dad came from that same tree. It makes me wonder are any of the other Hamil’s that way. Uncle Bud isn’t and I don’t think my Uncle Bob was. But my dad & his dad were. So did it go back any further? Sins of the father......? How many generations was it passed down?

While talking to Aunt Bobby I realized that there is so much about the Hamil’s that I just don’t know. She told me today that she has known Bud since she was 4 yrs old. They will be married 49 yrs later this summer.

I know that some of the Hamil family is still in Skiatook, OK. Bobby told me that 2 of those 8 kids are still alive. I didn’t even know they existed until today. I remember being told that one of the Great Uncles wives did a history of the Hamil’s and had a book made of it. I would love to see it. I may not know these people, I may not want to know these people but I am related to them. I need to go spend some time with my Uncle Bud and Aunt Bobby. They are my last link with the people in the old photos that can answer things. They knew those people and can tell me about them. PLUS they are nice people and I haven’t got many on that side that are nice.

Gotta see about getting together with them soon!

Repost Chicken

Original post on, Saturday, June 26, 2010

Chicken

Why am I so....self destructive? Why do I keep doing things that I know hurt? Why do I have such a hard time doing the things I know I need to do?

I put off surgery for almost 4 years and I hope it is the right choice now. I have an appointment next month. Let’s see if he also thinks that I need to have surgery. My foot is starting to go numb and my hand is hurting most of the time now. Everyone else that I know that has had the surgery says they should have done it sooner. Will I feel the same? I really hope it relieves this constant irritation in my arm & hand that I have put up with. I really hope it gets rid of the numbness in my foot! That is messing with my balance. I have never been graceful & that is not helping! I wonder. Have I just been chicken? Probably so.

Maybe I need to consider this as self improvement. I will have to get over some more of my vanity about having another scar.

I do have to drive to south Tulsa. I really hate going to south Tulsa. Let’s see. One trip to the surgeon, he will make me go get another MRI, that will be another trip to south Tulsa, then back to the surgeon for a 3rd trip to that awful side of town. Then of course the hospital is in south Tulsa. Then I will have to do follow up with the surgeon, so back to south Tulsa.

I am really going to have to work on not getting grumpy about going. Can yall tell I don’t like going to south Tulsa? That maybe the biggest reason that I have put this off. If it could be done in one trip...... Not my luck.

I haven’t even whined about what they will do in the surgery. Not looking forward to that either. It has just been easier to put up with the pain so far. Stupid numb foot! IF ONLY! WHAAA!

I will keep the appointment. I will go to BFE for the MRI. I will get this done and over with. I really hope it is worth it.

Repost 1600's Wow!

Original post on, Sunday, April 11, 2010

1600's! Wow!

Ancient History

I played around on the computer today looking at family genealogy. Several years ago I started working on my Great Grandmother Carrie Boyd’s family. Family lore says that we are Wyandotte Indians and I was trying to find out if it is true. I had traced the family back to my GG Grandfather Oliver Boyd. Also know as Ology Boyd and Olie G. Boyd. It was funny when I found Ology on a Census because I knew his name was Oliver G. I can just see the little Cencus man ask "what is your name" and GGG says Olie G Boyd and the man rights down Ology as one word. Anyway he was my dead end for a long time. I had given up and just not messed with it for years. Bruce and I were talking about going to the Wyandotte Cemetery this weekend and I was motivated to get to looking. That is when I found out his father is buried in the same place. I plugged his father, Daniel Boyd, into rootsweb.com and Boom! The family history goes all the way back to 1600 for a James Boyd born in Scotland. The 1st Boyd listed as being born in America lived in VA to the very ripe old age of 101. Another one of his ancestors lived until he was 97. So I now understand why G. Grandmother Carrie lived in to her 90's. I hope this means I have a long life ahead of me too!

So while I was inspired I checked on my dad’s side of the family and traced it back to a James Hamil from Ireland born in 1727.

I knew we had Irish back there somewhere but I never knew we were Scots too! The Scots men back in the 1600's married English women from Yorkshire England. So Scottish and English from grandpa Clark’s mother’s (Carrie Boyd) family. I still can’t tie in the Wyandotte. The Oliver Boyd family listed in the Census from Indian Territory, Quapaw Agency Lands where listed as white. They were buried in the Indian Cemetery but I don’t know if they are "Wyandottes" or "Whites". There is supposed to be Indian from my dad’s family but I can’t confirm that yet. So far Irish from dad’s family. Not bad for one day of work.

I was inspired and looked and dad’s mom’s family. Grandmother Lottie’s maiden name was Pogue. Her mother’s maiden name was Carter. I was able to trace that family back to a Revolutionary War Veteran. That was cool! Her family did not say where they immigrated from just that they were from MS, GA. and NC. Here is the note attached to one of the genealogies. Name: Matthew CARTER , Jr. Sex: M Birth: 26 JAN 1781 in GA Death: 15 DEC 1852 in Jackson Co., MS Burial: in fork of Red and Black Creeks at his old home place Event: Revolutionary War Veteran - Served from the State of NC



It was so cool that someone else had already listed these family trees. All I had to do was click on the previous generation listed.

I tried to find stuff for Bruce’s family but it was not there. I know his Dad has some paper work with the Turrentino name on it. I need to see if I can use those names and find something.

Time for me to go to bed. Up at 5:00 am and I had better get my rest since it is almost Monday!. I wish the weekend would last longer!

Repost Sister

Original post on, Monday, March 29, 2010

Sister

I want to tell you about my sister Lisa. I have a brother and 3 ½ brothers but just one sister. The older I get the more I recognize how special she is. I have always known she was smart and that she has a big heart. But she is just the neatest person to be around. I love the way she can laugh at herself and her view of the world makes me re-think things.

I remember back before we went to the Children’s home. My little sister used to want to follow me around. I, of course, hated it. I was so mean to her. She never did seem to give up.

Then when we went into the home they separated us. I was not supposed to talk to her (or my brother) for the 1st month. But we did see each other when we went outside to play in the evenings. I remember being so glad to see her. Funny how quick you can change your mind about something.

I remember taking up for her not to long after we got there. There was this kid named Jackie. He had a fat head. He seemed to think it was fun to pick on my little sister. He kept calling her names. I don’t remember what names he was calling her but he had made her cry. He thought that it was funny. Really funny, so funny that he was bending over holding his stomach laughing about it. I just couldn’t pass up such a perfect opportunity. I kicked him right in his big old fat head and knocked him right off his feet. Not the smartest thing for me to do. He was much bigger than me and he had a big brother too. Thank goodness I hurt him bad enough that he stayed down and his brother was not around. He kept saying "I am going to tell". I told him "Go ahead and I will tell them why I kicked you". He never did tell but I didn’t get away with it completely. I broke my foot when I kicked him. I hopped around for days before I was finally taken to the doctor

I don’t think he picked on her after that. Not just because of what I did but I think my brother also had something to say to him. Danny never took up for us before the home. I guess I wasn’t the only one that changed my mind about little sisters.

Lisa was a beautiful child. She had dark curly hair and big brown eyes. Plus she was almost always smiling. She just didn’t have a mean bone in her back then. I never could stay mad at her.

The cottage she went to at the home was Tiny Tots. The lady that ran that place was EVIL. Why would you put the meanest, scariest person in charge of the little kids? Why? I stayed with her for a week or so once at Tiny Tots. I can’t remember why they had moved me but I was scared of her too! I was so glad when Lisa went into foster care. The lady that worked at the front office took her home. She had 2 boys of her own that were grown but had always wanted a little girl. She was very good to Lisa. Lisa became a part of their family. Things would have been so much worse if she had to stay with that mean old lady in Tiny Tots.

I like to think that we are close but we go for months with out talking to each other. When we do talk it is usually just a quick email or IM on face book. Most of the time we just see each other at Grams house. I always try to sit by Lisa though because she will make me laugh. A lot of our conversations are about our mother. As I mentioned in one of my earlier blogs my mom is not doing so well. She is back in the hospital again. She needs a surgery but is not strong enough for it right now. She has not been very cooperative and has told Lisa that she does not want to have the surgery. The doc says if she doesn’t have it she will die. Lisa is worn out with it all. I find that I don’t like knowing that Lisa is hurting. I hadn’t planned on going to see my mom. I never know if my visit will set her off or not. I can’t stand to see Lisa hurting over it though. So I went to visit my mom this weekend. For now she seems to be agreeable to the surgery. No telling how she will be next week. I hope that in the next 4-5 weeks they can get her strength up and that she will continue to agree to the surgery. This is what my sister wants so I am going to try to help her. More than anything I do not like to see my sister in pain.

Repost More Family

Original post on, Saturday, March 20, 2010

More Family

I don’t think I have talked much about my dad. I don’t think of him very often either. He came to mind this week because an old school friend, Kathey, noticed that I had a message from someone she knows. It was from my little ½ brother Joe. Joe had just sent me a friend request on facebook this week. The last time I saw Joe he came to visit me at my little duplex in Tulsa. I moved to Owasso about 12 years ago. So needless to say it has been awhile. Joe and I have the same dad. I didn’t live with my dad growing up. I did spend a few summers with my dad and his new family.

My mom and dad divorced when I was about 4. We lived in Hood River OR. Mom flew us back to Oklahoma when dad left her for the lady that lived next door. I remember the airplane flight! It is one of my oldest memories.

My dad married the neighbor lady. She had 2 kids of her own( Mike and Karen) and then they had 2 boys together (Donnie and Joe). I had not seen or heard from my dad since we moved back to Oklahoma. Not once did we hear from him. From what I have been told he got involved in our custody battle after we were put in the children’s home. That was ½ way through my 5th grade year in 1976. So during the summer between 5th and 6th grade my DAD came to get Danny, Lisa and myself so we could spend the summer with him and his new family in Colfax, Washington.

Let me take you back for just a bit here. When I was little ( before the children’s home) I wanted to have a daddy. I wanted to have a daddy sooooo bad! I used to hide and cry about it. My Grams hated it when we cried so I had to hide. All of the other kids in my school had Dads. Some of their parents were divorced but they knew who their Dad was. I didn’t remember mine. I had no idea what he looked like. I just wanted to know who my dad was. Grams found me crying once and when she asked what was wrong, I told her. I think it was the only time that I didn’t get into trouble for crying. I remember her hugging me and saying that I was better off with out my dad. I didn’t have a clue how right she was.

Okay back to 1976, I have a picture somewhere that has dad, Danny, Lisa and myself sitting on Grandmother Lottie’s couch in Tulsa. We were all so excited that we were going to fly on a plane to Washington. I was so glad to get away from the horrible, horrible children’s home, AND my DAD came to get me. The smile on my face was huge! Just a few minutes after that picture was taken I called my dad "daddy". He was PISSED! He yelled at me to never call him that again! The look he gave me scared me, bad! Guess what? Never called him that again. I was still excited about the plane ride, but was no longer so sure about my dad. It is hard to describe in a few paragraphs how that summer went. I can tell you my brother Danny and my sister Lisa and myself all decided to go back to the children’s home at the end of the summer.

I did enjoy meeting my little brothers. I didn’t even know I had little brothers before that summer. My step-mother was polite to us. She was a good cook. She sure had her hands full with 7 kids! She told me a funny story from when I was 4. She said that before my mom took us back to Oklahoma that I told her that "She was ugly and I did not like her because she stole my dad from my mom". I guess I have had a big rude mouth on me from a young age. See how far I have come?

Donnie was always quiet and stand offish. I remember him laughing with all of us but I don’t remember him talking that much. Joe was just a little guy the 1st time I met him. He loved Fonzy, had the cutest curly hair, the sweetest smile but boy could he be ornery! I liked Joe the best of all of them.

But because we went back to the children’s home I didn’t see Joe again for years. It didn’t bother me a bit when I did not hear from my dad again for years. I didn’t hide and cry for him anymore. I had learned the meaning of mean and cruel. I had some pretty mean spirited house parents at the children’s home but none ever came close to my dad. Not by a long shot. The one thing I did not learn about him during that summer was that he was a child molester. I started getting hints about that the next time I spent part of a summer with him.

I have talked about what a rotten brat I was. Well I was kicked out of the home the last day of my junior year in high school. I ended up on Grams front step. I was doing rotten brat stuff at Grams house and she did not have patience to put up with it. So she dropped me off at my dad’s front step, in Salina Oklahoma. I was still terrified of him. I tried to stay out of the way and to not piss him off. During the week wasn’t so bad because he was at work. But on the weekends my step-mother worked and he was at home.

Stepping back a little bit again. For those of you that have read most of my blogs you know that I was molested by our neighbor when I was 4. I suppressed this memory for years until a family member reminded me of it. So at the lovely awkward teenage years, when I was just noticing boys, I found out that I was a victim as a child. Memories were slowing coming back and I was having a lot of problems dealing with them. How could I want a boy to do that to me now when it was so wrong then? Nobody talked about sex stuff except other kids and they just acted like they knew about it. So this is where I was at that summer.

As an adult I have learned that molesters use charm and fear to catch and keep their victims. I wish that I wasn’t so afraid of him back then. If I was just a little braver I would have stood up to him better. I was still a kid and didn’t have the skills yet, but I was old enough that I was not an easy victim. He was trying everything he could, in a house full of people, to put his hands on me every chance he could. His favorite thing was to wake me up in the middle of the night and try to get me to go into the livingroom with him. Once was enough for me to figure that out and I refused him with threats to make a lot of noise if he didn’t leave my room. I look back now and realize that my step sister knew what was going on because it had been happening to her for years. We shared a bed and I know she was not sleeping through this. I feel so awful for her. Her mother never did believe her, even after she went to the police.

Have you heard the saying "The sins of the father shall be visited on the next generation"? I called my grandmother Lottie. Not Grams that is my mother’s mom. Lottie was my dad’s mom. I told her what was going on and that I needed a ride back to Tulsa. She told me that she could not take care of me but would be glad to come get me. Come to find out that is why she divorced her husband. She caught him molesting their daughter. I lied to Grandmother Lottie and told her that I was going to live with my mom’s family. I had to get out of my dad’s house before he could get what he wanted. So Grandmother Lottie picked me up and dropped me off at Grams house. Grams and Gramps were gone for the summer. That was when I started taking care of myself.

I sure sucked at it at. Had to beg for places to sleep for a long time. It is hard to get a job with out a place to live or a car. It is hard to get a place to live or find money to get a car with out a job. It took me 2 years to finish High School but I finally did.

I hid from all of my family for more than a year. I was scared that I would be made to go back to my dad’s or the children’s home. I was ashamed of the behavior that led Grams to drop me off at my dad’s. It sucks to learn at 17 that the awful position I was in was all my own fault. If I had behaved I would have spent the summer with Grams and Gramps instead of running from my dad trying to get into my pants.

In my infinite teenage wisdom, I figured that I would rather starve first. Funny thing is I damn near did starve. It is just dumb luck or someone above watching out for young idiots that I wasn’t hurt or killed.

It was nice to hear from Joe. It was very nice to see a picture of his smiling face. He said that he keeps in touch with Mike, Karen and Donnie. He said that they are all doing ok, but most of the time it is just when they want something that he hears from them. I didn’t even think to ask if he kept in touch with our dad. I don’t want to know if he does. It was only when my old school friend asked about Joe that it got me thinking.

So when y’all wonder about me, cause I know you do. Have patience. As a good friend of mine says "When you are raised by wolves".... you just don’t act or say the right things most of the time. I learned to mimic and can fake it pretty good most of the time. But I am not always comfortable around people.

Repost Broken

Original post was on, Thursday, February 25, 2010

Broken

Some times a person has to learn to deal with broken things. Not every thing that is broken can be fixed or replaced. This is a challenge for me because I am a fixer.

I am facing, yet again, that my mother can not be fixed.

She is not doing well. My little sister has passed that information on to me. She wanted me to have the time to decide if I wanted to go see her before she passes away.

Mom needs surgery but will not agree to it. She still has the power, under the law, to make those decisions for herself. I wonder does she know what that really means?

Mom fell last week. She tried to get up during the night and tripped over her wheel chair and walker. My little sister took pictures of her injuries and sent them to me. Her face and hands were bruised. She has 2 black eyes. Like a person would get if they broke their nose. She also has a nice knot on her forehead. Her hands have deep bruises on them. It hurt me to see her like that.

I wish I could go and sit with her. I wish I could pass on some comfort to her. But there is nothing that I can give her. If I went to visit her it would most likely set her off. She would ramble about all of her delusions that are tied up with me. It would just upset her.

What I really want is a relationship that I never reallly had with her. I remember loving her so much as a child. Even when she frightened me I still wanted her to console me. But her sickness has always made that impossible.

I was her caretaker after I became an adult. That consisted of being the payee for her disability money she received. The State would not give the money to her. They knew she was crazy and could not be counted on to take care of her money. She was married to a mean drunk. He was not nice to her. At least the State did not allow him to be her payee. I took her to do all of her shopping and paid all of her bills. I wanted so bad to be close to her that, at first I was glad to put up with the drunk at her house. It didn’t take long for me to figure out that I was going to be the "bad guy" if I didn’t let them have the money to spend on what ever they wanted. Of course he always wanted cash in case of an emergency. Since he was an alcoholic you can guess what his emergencies where. Real, true, crazy women don’t attract nice guys that help take care of them.

I watched her make STUPID choices that I could not talk her out of. But because she is an adult and because it is not against the law to be crazy they were her choices to make. I did this for a several years before I admitted that I just couldn’t do it any longer.

I wanted my mother to love me. I wanted to save her and to keep her safe. I wanted to help make her life better. I wanted to fix things for her.

What she wanted from me was a ride to the store.

My mom has always lived in her own world. She just isn’t aware of anyone else around her. If she walks in the door first she will shut it in your face. Not once will she come back and see where you went. If you are standing in front of something she wants she will just push you out of the way. Doesn’t matter if there is no room for you to be moved to. She will still push. I have never come across anyone else like that. I would like to blame it on the meds but since she never took them regularly.....

Any way it appears that her health is slipping fast. And she may not be here much longer. I am surprised at how sad this makes me.

She is not normally a happy person. She is not pleasant to be around. Everyone can be grumpy when they are sick or hurting. And her?.......I really feel sorry for the people that take care of her at the nursing home. There is no way that they can be paid enough to compensate for how she treats them. She does not like it at the nursing home. She does not like the food. She is mad at the diet her illness requires her to be on.

All of this makes me sad. Because I can remember a few of those rare times when I was a kid and she would do something nice for me. Her mental illness took everything from her.

And it took her away from me.

Repost Rotten II

Original post Feb 5, 2010


Rotten II



My brother, sister and myself did get ourselves up and go to school most of the time. The main reason I went was because I could get something to eat. I thought the cafeteria lady was an excellent cook. I would have gone even more often if they had served breakfast back then.

I know there were times when I didn’t have a bath for weeks and didn’t have any clean clothes to wear. I don’t remember owning a tooth brush. I was a very dirty little girl, I had poor manners and would fight anyone that said anything that made me mad.

I remember getting into a fight in the girls bathroom with a girl named Tina. She was making fun of me. The walls in the girls bathroom had tile most of the way up and I remember knocking her head against them. She never liked me but she also never made fun of me to my face again. I didn’t get in to much trouble because the teacher knew how hateful Tina could be. I did miss playground time for awhile.

One of our favorite pranks was to get on the roof of our house and throw things at cars that drove by. We did it often enough that we had hit the same car several times and the owner was not in the least bit happy with us. He tried knocking on our door and talking to our mom about it.

Remember what I have said about my mom?

For some reason he did not want to stay and talk to her for very long.

Of course we thought that made the whole thing even funnier!

I did say I was a brat.

We tried to hit his car again after that. When we succeeded he stopped in the middle of the road, jumped out of his car, and screamed a few new curse words that I hadn’t heard before. He was just a little bit mad.

The cops showed up.

My mom was always on her best behavior when the cops were around. We quit throwing things for awhile, and left the old, cursing man alone after that. I think it made an impression on me that my mom could magically act normal when the cops showed up. (At least most of the time she could)

I remember being afraid to go to bed because I didn’t want the roaches crawling on me in my sleep. That was also a big fear of mine while taking a bath. The roaches were so bad that they crawled all over the ceiling and often fell down on me while in the bath. I had to be pretty stinky to risk taking a bath! It is hard to run or jump away from them if you are all wet in the tub, ya know?

I loved to sing as a kid. If I wasn’t in school I was probably out walking around singing. I also liked to whistle. I was often teased that I could never sneak up on anyone because of all the racket I made. I wasn’t any good at either of these things but I sure tried.

I did get to sing in the school talent show. It was around the holidays and the music teacher put a mike in my hand and had me sing "I’m gettin nothin for Christmas". If they had asked me to memorize lines or do something in a play I would have been scared to death! But singing I had no problem with. Only Bruce, my girls, and sometimes(if I forget myself at work) Truman have to listen to me sing now. I am still not any good at it, but I still enjoy it. It is just one of those simple pleasures that I really like. Shame God didn’t give me any talent to go with this weird desire to sing!

Summer time was always so much fun! We didn’t have to go anywhere or do anything. Even as a child I knew this was a wonderful freedom. There was no adult supervision.

We just ran the neighborhood.

My brother’s best friend was a real tough guy. But his mom was a wonderful lady! Her name was Ms. Ula. She was a single mom and had 4 kids that she was raising all by herself. Most of our food came from her. She made the best "stick to your ribs" kind of food.

Funny thing is I am just now realizing that most of my cheap recipes were inspired by the meals she served us.

We played hide and seek a lot. We used a whole block for our play area and would pick someone’s front porch as base. No one’s yard was off limits. It never crossed my mind to bother someone else’s stuff. I just wanted a good hiding place. We never had a grumpy old neighbor come out and tell us to get out of their yard. I may have been a brat but I was not a thief or vandal.

Ummmm, unless you want to count the roof thing as vandalizing?

I look back now and realize that mom had a cool car back then. She drove a turquoise Ford Mustang. I really liked that car. I loved to lay on the hood after the sun went down. It was so warm from the sunshine and I would just kick back, soak up that warmth, and look at the stars.

Usually didn’t have problems finding mom. She was always in the same spot. Laying in bed, light off, door shut, all by herself. She also used to laugh a lot when she was in that room all by herself. That was creepy to me. I used to ask her what she was laughing about. She always said the same thing, "just something I was remembering". It was really bad that last year we lived with her. I remember my brother was brought home by the police a few times that last few months. I know, if we had stayed there much longer, it would be me that the police were bringing home next.

The last week before she was locked up for the 2nd time is a little bit fuzzy for me. I know she had some delusion about our house so she made us all leave. We showed up at my Aunt’s house and mom refused to leave after my aunt let us in. My aunt was another person that mom often thought was trying to kill us, so..... my aunt didn’t stay. She left her own house. A few days later, with grams and gramps help, they were able to get mom picked up. She had been off her meds for too long and was completely off her rocker. The cops showed up to take her to the mental hospital and she didn’t go willingly.

I should have been in school.

I played hooky that day so I got a front row seat.

It was a huge fight with lots of things broken. I hid behind the bedroom door and stayed there for a long time after they left. Grams came in looking for me and found me there. Always was grams that ended up picking up my mom’s messes.

So my mom had another complete break down and was locked up for the 2nd time. We stayed with grams and gramps for a little bit. We were so used to running wild, I know we had to be a hand full for grams. My mother, while being locked up in a mental hospital, was causing such a huge stink. She didn’t give grams or gramps any peace. I am sure part of the reason that nobody in the family wanted us was the fact that my mother would bug the SHIT out of them.

Grams told me later about going over to the rent house to clean it up. She said it was awful! It was winter time and the gas had been turned off so it was very cold in the house. She said that there were dead roaches everywhere. Our clothes were too filthy to try to clean so she just threw everything away! Everything! Grams said that when she opened my mother’s bottom dresser drawer she found a huge pile of food stamps and tons of my mom’s meds. All that time being hungry and she just hid the food stamps. If I had known they were there I would have given them to Ms. Ula and asked her to cook more food.

We never lived with my mom again after that. I am not sure how long we stayed with grams and gramps before we were taken to the Children’s home. I know I was still in the 5th grade and it was starting to get warm. The year was 1976. I remember that because they had the bi-centennial train come to the new elementary school. I don’t remember anyone telling us anything about moving there. I don’t think grams knew how to tell us.

I will try to find the story that I wrote awhile back about the beginning time at the home. It is pretty short for covering 7 yrs. This part wasn’t too bad for covering about 5 yrs. Eeh?

Now keep in mind that during this time frame I was between 5-10 yrs old. Playing on top of a house! What was I thinking?

Ouch

I am so stupid for waiting this long.  I hurt.  Whaaa!  Tried to run and forget it!  Can't even do the old cow plod.  MOOOO  Big crocodile tears!  Crap, crap, crap!  Good grief I look ugly when I cry.  Stupid ego.
Why would I worry about how I look?  It isn't like there is anyone around to see me.  Could I feel any more sorry for myself?  I am lonely.  Pathetic huh?
I am on vacation and it was a nice day.  I enjoyed it.  I guess I am just feeling sorry for myself because I would rather stick my head back in the sand.  The pain is not going to let me.  Wine helps and it does make me sleepy.  I think I may have to use a muscle relaxer tonight.  If I put it off too long I will have trouble waking up.  I am not taking a pain pill.  I do not like them.  They give me strange dreams.  My dreams bug me enough now.  I know my neck is messed up but I worry because my big toe is numb also.  I know that has to be further down in the back.  That has not been scanned yet. 
So here I sit by myself again.  I have the headphones on tonight.  Listening to Petty and Thorogood.  Move over nice dog, mean ole dog is moving in......  LOL!  Love this song.  Reminds me when I was younger and sometimes had to look for places to sleep.  My dog Bo let me share his bed one night....   That was a whole world ago and a completely different story. 
God I have made some poor choices in my life.  But as a friend said to me earlier today.  Too bad suck it up girl.  So back to sucking it up.  Sucking it up gives me a bad attitude.  If you could see the curl on my lip...
I can only whine to myself.  I am the one that made the choice. 
I need to move more of my old blogs over here.  Way too many viruses and bugs on myspace.  I need to close that thing down. 

Repost Rotten part 1

I am moving some of my old blogs over.  I posted this one in Feb of 2010.


Rotten part 1

I have mentioned before that I was a rotten kid. I do believe that I even said something about nobody in my family wanting to take my brother, sister and myself on because we were a hand full.

I will try to put some of that part of my child hood down here. I will have to go back quite a ways. I am afraid that I can not tell this without starting from the beginning. (Ok, almost the beginning.)

The 1st time my mother was locked up in the mental hospital we lived with my grandmother and grandfather. I remember having to change schools during kindergarten so I was about 5 yrs old. I was just a little girl and my memories are not very clear. I am not sure how old I was when my mother was released and we went back to living with her.

I know at some point we lived in a house across the street from my grams and gramps. I can’t remember if that was before or after mom was locked up the 1st time. I put a picture of that house on a few weeks ago. It had a big yard and a cool chimney. I remember that there was a back porch right off the kitchen that I liked. I don’t believe we lived there for very long because my mother did not pay the rent. I liked living there because we could always sneak over to grams house and get something to eat if we were hungry. Most of the time my mother did not like us to go over there because she believed that grams and gramps were trying to kill us. If you missed the blog on my mother you will have to go back and read it to understand a little bit more about her. There were times when my mom was doing better and we could go over to grams house with out her freaking out. But, you never knew how she would react each day so I learned how to be sneaky.

Mom never made us go to school. If we didn’t want to go she didn’t care. We did have to hide from grams. If grams saw us she would make us go to school!

I also remember getting very sick when we lived there. I had a lot of problems with my tonsils as a kid. I remember the last time I was sick with them before I had to have them removed. My throat was so swollen that I had problems breathing. I was only able to say 1 word at a time and then would have to stop and catch my breath. I refused to eat anything and it hurt so much that I wasn’t drinking very much either. I know they put me in the hospital for a few days before the surgery so that they could re-hydrate me.

I also remember being horribly anemic and having to go to the Doctor once a week to get my blood tested and to get an iron shot. If you have ever had an iron shot you know they really hurt. I fought them tooth and nail each week over that shot. It took everyone in the office and my mother to hold me down. I remember my butt hurting for a few days afterwards each time. Of course it would have helped if I wasn’t tightening up all of my muscles while getting the shot, but I would never have believed anyone if they tried to tell me that. I remember telling the doctor off each time too. I liked the lady that pricked my finger for the blood test. That I didn’t have a problem with. Just the doc and getting the iron shot. I know he had to dread seeing me come in the door. I was such a rude little brat to him and my mother never tried to make me behave. Not sure how I got out of doing that each week. I look back now and hope that I wasn’t kicked out of the place, but I can see my mother encouraging me to act up and getting us both kicked out.

I remember grams trying to get me to eat meat and me refusing to. I just did not like meat when I was a kid. Grams would put a nice steak in front of me and I wouldn’t touch it. I would eat the spinach or any other veggie(except Brussel Sprouts) on the plate but not the meat. Grams kept trying. She would put that steak in front of me for breakfast the next morning and I would just not eat. I was so stubborn and would just quit eating anything. I was always the smallest of us kids and really couldn’t afford to lose much weight. What I needed was to gain weight.

My nick name at that time was Debbie do and the don’ts. I was always getting into things that I was not supposed to ,and Grams had the hardest time getting me to do the things I was supposed to do. Grams said she got tired of saying "Debbie do this and Debbie don’t do that. I don’t think my little sister was as rotten but if I remember right my brother got into some trouble too. I know I got a lot of swats! But I would usually do what I wanted to any way. I would take the swats and just go do the same thing again.

The next place we lived, with my mother, was in a rent house right up the street from the elementary school we went to. My mother worked for a little while at Sonic drive in and we had to go to day care after school. Good God you would think that we were being tortured having to go to the day care. We hated it!

I remember walking from school to my mother’s job one day. I couldn’t have been more than 6 yrs old and it was more than ½ mile to Sonic from the school. I just did not want to go to the day care. The walk was all the way up Yale. Yale is a main street with a lot of traffic. ( I can not imagine one of my daughters, out by herself, at that age walking along a busy street.) Of course mom had to leave work and drive me to the day care. I didn’t try that again because it was too long of a walk just to end up back at the day care. We all ended up getting kicked out of the day care before to long because we kept sneaking out of the fenced yard. The last time we did it we took another kid with us. Needless to say the other kid’s mother was not happy when her little boy ended up missing. One of the day care workers called Grams and told her we were all gone and that we had taken another kid with us. Grams said she knew right where we were and that she would have the little boy back soon. Of course parts of this story is from my grams. She still laughs when she tells the story of finding us at the creek. I remember her pulling her car down the long hill and parking it right by our favorite sand pile. I remember her getting out of the car with a switch in her hand. One look at Grams face and I knew I was in for it. My mother was sitting in the front seat and she stayed in the car. Danny got a few swats and was put in the back seat. I don’t think Lisa got a swat, she was only about 3 or 4 and she just came along to be with us. I ran! I did not want Grams to get her hands on me! I knew it was going to be a big butt busting and I was not going to take it willingly. Grams drove a light blue Dodge Dart and all 4 of the doors were standing open. As I ran towards the back of the car I remember seeing my mother sitting in the front seat of the car laughing at me. Grams was wise to my tricks and met me at the back of her car. I am not sure how many times Grams chased me around that car but I do remember her catching me at some point. And yes, I got that big butt busting that I knew was coming. I also got even more than normal because I sure pissed grams off running from her! I seldom heard my Grams curse but I remember her really chewing us out for taking that other little boy with us. We were not welcome back at the day care after that.

Mom didn’t work much longer after that either. She quit taking her meds again and would just lay in bed all day. She would go completely crazy if grams came over or if we had anything to do with her. I believe grams had all she could take and just walked away. Mom did not cook, clean or take care of us at all. I remember our house being filthy. So filthy that you could not see the floor for all of the dirty clothes and trash. The part I remember the most was the roaches. The roaches were so bad! There would be long spells where there wouldn’t be any food in the house.

We ran wild. Stay tuned for part 2