Mine!

I have him here.  He is all mine!! 

Good grief these blue eyes just floor me!

I rode in the back seat with him on the way home.  We talked and played with his toys.  And I took a few pictures, almost a 100.  I wish I had digital when my kids were little!  I love that all I have to do is down load them and reformat the disk on the camera.  That reminds me, I need to do a back up!

He got tired and took a nap about 1/2 the way home.

He woke up right as we got back in town.  He is such a sweet baby.  He opened his eyes and just smiled at me.  I love how every thing new that he sees fascinates him. 

Oh! I have looked forward to this weekend.  I get him all to myself.

Well.......Ummmmm

I did have to share him with his Grandpa.  But just a little bit.

After all he does like his Grandpa too!

The evening flew by, dinner, playing, bottles and a few diaper changes.  Before I knew it, it was time for him to go to bed.  All I had to do was give him his last bottle, snuggle with him for a bit, then lay him down.  He went right to sleep. 

Is there anything more precious than a sleeping baby's face? 

How will I ever be able to give him back?

Done

Done!  Done with work for the week. 
I have the rest of the weekend off. 
I do love my 3 day weekends! 
Work started out brutal again this week.  We found out that someone in our IT department loaded the training program for the new software incorrectly.  What was loaded was the real program with an icon saying it was the training program.  So for more than a week Officers thought they were playing around in the training program.  NOT!  It was the real program.  Of course that explained so many of the strange errors that we kept getting.  It made for a very long Monday and Tuesday. 
But I don't have to think of any of those headaches for now.  The weekend is here and this weekend I have plans. I am spending them with the cutest little guy in the family. Not sure what all we are going to do yet. Mostly it depends on the weather. If if is pretty maybe the zoo or the park? If it is cold or raining the aquarium has been suggested. I haven't been there yet so I would like to go.

Something fun, somewhere that I can take pictures, something that will put a smile back on my baby girl's face.  She had a rough week too.  My momma's heart can't take it when my girl's are sad.  I so wish my oldest could be here this weekend too!  My heart is hurting for her also.  Things are kinda slipping around on the low side for them lately.  Enough ebb time for some upward flow!

Here is something I was inspired to write this week.  Not sure how many of the others from the Home share this view?  Some of the kids had a much sadder story than mine. 
I was made aware at a young age that no matter how bad you have it, someone has it worse.  What a sad group we were!

We had food, a roof over our head and a bed to sleep in, the things that would keep a child’s body safe. The ones that could have been our examples went in their room each night and shut their door. They closed up their hearts and left us to cling to each other.

We were wounded and broken. We were not shown our individual value.

All of us had dreams, some were grand but most were simple.

It was our spirits that begged for attention. We knew they never expected us to succeed.

We were all scattered at different times to different places. It has been amazing when we find each other again. There is a joy that we feel to know that another of us made it out.

We all have heard the same response when people hear our story. “You seem so normal to have had such a horrible childhood.” But we are not normal.

We just became very good at hiding our pain. No matter how hard we try to cover up where we came from it cannot be changed. We were the unwanted. No matter what we succeed at we never believe we are good enough. How can we be? We were the thrown away trash.

The strong personalities and the stubborn will are the tools we used to pull us up so we could show everyone that we do have value. It started as a front to show the world. It becomes a wall that we make everyone face, even the ones we love.


I know.  More boo hooing.  Sorry.
I am blaming it on the stress from the last few weeks.  It doesn't matter that I boo hoo even if there isn't any stress.  That is what I am blaming it on this time.  Nice of me to share my crap, huh?
Enough said and done for the day.

Shady Lane

I feel I have boo hooed too much about my childhood.  If you feel you have heard enough of it, skip this one cause I am going to visit it again today.  This time with a happy twist.  It was an ugly existence but if you give a child a chance they will find ways to have fun. 
I have talked about how dirty our house was.  How I was afraid to take a bath cause the roaches would fall off the ceiling on me and I didn't feel like I could get away from them while soaking wet and naked.  Of course this means I was a dirty little kid.  Our clothes did not get washed.  We wore the same thing over and over or looked for something that was in that pile of crap that was on the floor that wasn't covered in dirt or cat poop. 
I look back now as an adult and I am amazed at how normal it seemed to me.  We all had friends and they didn't live like that.  I should have connected the dots, but I didn't.  I had plenty of kids make fun of me.  I even got in a fight with a girl in Elementary School over it.  She had the nerve to make fun of me to my face.  So I hit her.  I knew others made fun of me.  As long as they didn't do it to my face it didn't seem to matter to me. 

I remember a group of boys that threw rocks at me once.  They hit me a few times.  I just stood there and let them.  I called them a few names and didn't let them know that the rocks that hit me hurt.  They gave up after a few minutes and found something better to do.  I bet none of them even remember doing it.  If you think back to your childhood, how many of you remember the family with all the "dirty kids"?  That was my family.

Ok enough of the boo hoo.  The reason for adding all the sob crap is I wanted you to be aware of some of the good people from my childhood.  It does NOT include the school teacher that always grabbed me from whatever class I was in to check ME for head lice EVERY time there was another outbreak at school.  I can't tell you how glad I was that the old hag never did find any.  Sorry, I went back to the boo hooing again there.  BUT if y'all ever think a kid can't figure out what you are up to, guess again. 

So that was me, the mostly clueless stinky kid.  But not everyone made fun of me or threw rocks at me.  I had a best friend.  She was one of the most beautiful girls in school.  Why she picked me to be her friend I have no idea.  We did everything together.  We played with her toys (barbies and horses) in her bedroom and in her backyard.  We listened to records in her room.  Oh and the Pepsi floats, yum!  I spent so much time at her house!  I remember her mom often having to tell me it was time for me to go home.  But there were a few times she let me sleep over.  We had the run of the whole neighborhood as kids.  We both mourned together when they cut down dozens of trees on what we called Shady Lane.  It made it hard to walk barefoot in the summer when the trees no longer shaded the road.  I remember running as fast as we could on the hot pavement and the loud oohhs and ahhhs when we finally made it to a shady spot again.  I remember one year we made our own costumes for Halloween.  We were matching "bed sheet ghosts".  We smoked our 1st cigarettes together down at the cement slabs.  We sent my little sister across a busy street to buy them for us.  We thought that the clerk would never think that such a young girl would ever be buying them for herself.  I cringe every time I think of that memory.  What WAS I thinking of, sending my little sister across that busy street all by herself?  There was such a terrible ache when I was sent off to Turley.  Not only did they split me up from my family but from my only friend.
We stayed in touch for years.  Whenever I would go visit my Grams I would always go spend time with her.  But as time went on she made new friends at her school and I made new ones at mine.  I never had that good of a friend again.  Until this Saturday night we hadn't talked to each other for about 23 years.  We had chatted a little bit on FB during the past week, but not talked.  I knew when we got on the phone together we would be hours talking!  We talked for two and a half hours and only got started catching up.   We have already made plans to go to a concert together, Heart/Def Leppard in July.  For those that know me well, yes I am going downtown willingly.  Yes I am going to a concert in a whole crowd of people.  How could I say no, it's Heart.  We used to sing Heart songs together when we were girls.  I still remember us singing together, during the lunch break, while making clover chains at Owen Elementary.  I guess she was mostly exempt from my "memory loss habit" because I could go on and on with so many of my fond memories of the time we spent together.  It makes that long ago little girl's heart that is still inside me sing again.

There! 
Another missing part of me has been filled!

Super Moon

After my sad attempts at taking photos of the moon last week I heard on the news that there will be a super moon out.  It doesn't matter to me the science of it.  I just enjoy the view.  Here are a few of my favorite attempts to capture it last night.

OH!  And I need a tripod. I really need a tripod!  Every little wiggle equals blur and more blur. 

At the beginning of the evening I was afraid the clouds would cover it up.  They thinned out enough to make some cool photos.  Without the clouds all I would have captured was a glowing blur.

I tried several ways to try to hold still and capture some decent photos.  I figured out if I sat down in the driveway, propped my elbows on my knees and leaned up against the truck bumper, I was able to keep from wiggling while waiting for the slow shutter speed to catch enough light. 

I think I might try and have a few of these printed.  I like the hint of color that came through. 

We still need some pictures to put on the walls of our bedroom.  If I hit Hobby Lobby's next 1/2 price sale they have on framing it shouldn't cost too much. 

I have tons to get done today.  I spent the whole day yesterday "helping" Mattie move.  I don't know how much help I was since I can't carry much weight.  But I did go up and down the stairs to her 2nd story apt bunches!  Now I need to self motivate and get some things done around my house.  Of course I won't get a thing done "playing" on the computer! 

Spring

I haven't blogged lately.  My brain has been too tired.  Work is using me up this last two weeks.  I worked extra hours Monday so I took off early today.  It felt good to leave at lunch time and not go back!

I have the doors open.  I have windows open.  It is nice warm spring day.  I can hear the birds.  There is a male Mocking bird hanging out in my back yard that is putting so much effort into his spring dance.  He is almost obnoxious because he is so loud.  I do love watching him flash the stripes on his wings and hop around. 
There are hints of green in the grass and the one tree in my yard is covered in flowers.  Yesterday I noticed that there are a few green leaves peeking out! 

We had a good heavy rain earlier this week.  I loved drifting off to sleep listening to the thunder.  We need more rain, lots more.  High fire danger and burn bans cover most of the state.  The Oklahoma wind is really blowing today so any grass fires will get out of control fast!  The last two weeks have been hard on the firefighters.  

I love all these first hints of spring. 

It has even stayed warm enough in the evenings to keep the back door open.  I took this picture with the last bit of light last night. 

The moon was too far away to give much light and the wind was blowing the flowers around.  It made it a challenge to get anything in focus.  This was the best that I could come up with.  Not great but I like the softness of it. 

Changes

It has been a busy week at work.  We started new software.  New CAD (Computer Aided Dispatch) on Sunday and Records on Wednesday.  If any of you have ever been through a change like this at work you will understand how much of a challenge it is. 
My brain is tired and I wasn't even one of the ones that did the most work on it.  Huge project!
I have tomorrow off.  I need it. 

I better get my battery recharged good.  It will be my five day week next.  I figure it will take several weeks to get all of the Officers used to the new system.  Just in case y'all don't know.  Cops hate change.  They really hate when you change how they write their reports!  Makes a few of them grumpy.  Dispatchers also hate change.  If you change a Dispatcher's CAD they also get grumpy.  I have 1st hand knowledge of how grumpy they can get.  It has been a few years but I remember how grumpy I was with the last change.
I hope I get used to the new system sooner than them! 

I am looking forward to the nicer weather we are supposed to have this weekend.  I hope to get out and take some pictures.  That always relaxes my brain.  I also want to make contact with an old friend from Elementary School that I found on FB this week.  She was my best friend when I was a kid!  We haven't seen each other in more than 20 years.

Old music

I have been exposed to satellite radio.  Love it!  What could be better than commercial free music on the radio?  I haven't decided what my favorite station is yet.  There are so many good ones to choose from! 
In the mood for stuff from the 70's.  There is a station just for that!  If you want some 80's or 90's rock there a several to chose from.  I haven't had a chance to hear the hard rock stations yet.  No hurries, the new truck came with a year paid for.  It could be I will have a few favorites for different moods.  After a year I will be hooked and then we will have to pay for it.  Money, why is it every time I turn around someone seems to want some money?
There were so many songs that I heard during our weekend trip that took me right back to my childhood.  I remember hearing them on my little am/fm radio.  I can picture my room at the Children's Home.  The concrete walls, the built in wooden bed frame with a single mattress, the bookshelf headboard where everything I had that was pretty was displayed to decorate my room.  That is were my radio sat.  Right on the center shelf that spanned the two twin beds.  This was one of my favorite songs from back then that I heard on Sirius Satellite Radio this weekend  Romeo's Tune.  When I heard it I was right there in that room again ,enjoying the music.  Good memory.
A lot of the music I listened to back then was on a turntable.  I have a vivid memory of listening to singles at my friend Sondra's house.  She had a portable turntable and several 45's to chose from.  We would sit in her bedroom at that little house on Vandalia and play those records over and over.  Two that come to me areSummer Breeze and Wildfire.  I wonder how many people will read this and not know what a 45 is?  Do you remember looking for the insert to put in the middle?  How many of you couldn't find one and tried to play a 45 with out one?  I bet it worked as good for you as it did for me.
I used to drive my family nuts when I was a kid.  I was always singing or whistling.  But I think I mentioned this already in another blog. 
Sorry I am repeating myself.
But isn't that what memories are? 
Repeats of what has already been lived.
I like repeating some of those memories.  There are some good ones.
I wonder why some are so vivid and others are barely a shadow?

Thanks for the look inside your head

I wish more people that I knew would post a blog.  I think it is a wonderful way to keep track of how they are feeling.  What they are thinking.  It is look inside a person's head that is seldom shared any other way. 

It is also an excellent way to get to know someone that you have never met.  How they view the world and a peek at how they live their life.  I love reading the blogs that I follow.  My favorite blog to read is my little sister's.  We had such a strange childhood that caused us to be raised in seperate households.  So much of our younger years were not spent together.  But we are still so much alike.  Reading her blog confirms how much we are alike all the time!

I keep few secrets.  I always show all my emotions on my face.  Of course none of that translates to blogs.  Unless I posted lots of photos of myself and I don't think I would be comfortable that.  Y'all will just have to make do with what I put down in black and white.  I think my unorganized brain shows up in my writing.  I know my lack of skill does.  Most of my blogs are not fluid.  They jump around too much.  I would never have believed that I would do a blog a few years ago.  Writing down my thoughts and feelings?  Not in a million years.  Funny how time can change things.  And people. 

The posts that I see on FB also show a little bit about a person.  Do they post something funny?  Do they laugh at themselves or are they always complaining?  Are they struggling with a rough spot in their life?  Finding and reconnecting with so many of my old school friends and other kids from the Turley Children's Home on FB has been interesting.  I like seeing what they post.  The things that they share give me a little glimpse into their lives.  After decades of losing touch with them it is nice to see what they have done and who they have become.  Most have married and have become parents.  A few of them are also grandparents.  I would never have guessed most of them chosing the professions that they have gone into.  There is a Fireman, a Teacher, a couple of Nurses, a Coach, a Salesman, an EMT, the list can go on an on.   All of them that I have reconnected with have done well. 
Each of the other Turley kids that I find, that are doing well, seems to lighten a load on my heart that I didn't even know I was carrying.  Maybe I was buying into what I have heard all my life about how wonderful it is that I had such an awful childhood but seem so normal.  Did I think that all of the other kids would have a hard time adjusting and becoming productive adults?  What ever the reason I really feel joy when I reconnect with each of them and see that they mostly happy.
I have been meaning to say something about one of my older blogs for several weeks.  It is one that I did last summer about my stubborn attitude.  For some reason it is still getting read.  Every week someone else reads it.  The average reads on one of my posts is 15-20 hits.  That one has over 40 hits.  I have no idea why that one entry is different.  It wasn't too hard to write but like most of the ones that I talk about my feelings in, it was hard to share.  There are times when I argue with myself about hitting the share button.  Most of my  blogs have been shared.  There has only been a few times that I have given in and not shared the post on FB.  Even fewer times that I didn't publish it at all. 
The thing that amazes me the most is that I seem to be more willing to put things down on a post that I never thought I would share.  It is like once I have written down an old hurt or memory it no longer has as much power over me.  The pain or joy is still there it is just not as intense.  Getting it down, out of my brain, is always the hardest. 
So for all my old school friends that I only see on FB, if you read this I want you to know I love seeing you on FB.  I look forward to your post. 
For my blogger friends, I am always excited when I see you have taken the time to put together another post.  I love that little peek into your life. 
Of course I really wish my old school friends blogged.  I would love to see what they would come up with.