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Sunday, January 30, 2011

Trees, water, sunshine and more trees.

I really enjoyed getting outside and walking around Friday.  The wind was still a bit cool when I left the house but a light jacket was plenty.  I started out at a neighborhood park with a small pond. 
The sun was so warm and it was very quiet.  There was one older kid on the swings when I 1st got there but by the time I walked around to that side they were gone.  I had the park all to myself.  Great little park with a nice picnic area and playground.  The pond has ducks and geese with a fountain in the middle.  The trees look well taken care of and the area is fenced in on three sides.  Not a cheap fence either!
The only thing that I could see that showed any wear was the chain on the swing set.
The Home Owner's Assoc. takes good care of this park!

My next stop was an Owasso Public park.  This was my 1st trip to this park.  It has some great old trees!  I took so many pictures of them. 


There were lots of people in this park but because it is so big it wasn't crowded at all!  It also has a great playground, a nice covered picnic area.  There is a creek that runs all the way through it.  There are winding paths and several bridges.  Great place for a long walk or a bike ride. 


My next stop was another visit to Stone Canyon.  I wanted to see what the little lake looked like in the winter.  It seemed to be holding up good.  There were a few people there fishing. 

Do you see the one small patch of snow left in a shaded area?  The big boulders made a nice place to sit down and enjoy the warm sun.  If I closed my eyes and just listened to the water it sounded just like one of the bigger lakes the my Grams used to take me to when we were kids.  The water level was low.  We need more rain.  Lots more rain.  I am not interested in the winter storm we are supposed to get early next week.  I prefer the wet type of moisture, not the frozen type.  Yuk!  (Sorry Lisa, I know you love the snow!)


I took a picture of this tree last fall and wanted to check the area out again.  I liked the way the shadow spread out in front of it. 

Of course I had to climb the large rock pile that they made.  I am not sure what this is supposed to be used for.  It does have a winding path all the way up. 

It does make a nice platform to look around. 

I think the water is even a prettier shade of blue than my car is in this photo. 
I spent more than a hour walking around this park area.  There really isn't much here yet except the "lake" and the rock pile.  There is lots of construction just on the other side of the water.  I look forward to what all they are going to put in.

I had one last stop at the park near my house.  I loved how this little tree's bare branches drooped in clusters.

I had been out for 5 hours by this point.  My camera battery was just about dead and I was hungry and tired.  I didn't want to go home but I needed to. 

Today was just as beautiful outside.  I didn't get to go out and play again.  Too many chores to get done and I had to do some shopping.  Just about finished redoing the bedroom.  Mattie came over to visit and she went with us on some of the shopping.  We made it back just in time for Shandy's visit.  Shandy is my adopted middle child that moved away when she was still in school.  I forgave her for leaving me.  She is a good egg.  She still comes to visit when she is in town.  AND she brought blackberry wine.  The real stuff not just flavored pretend blackberry wine.  Talk about making brownie points with mom!  Did I say she is a good egg?  Well she is!

I think I might have enough photos to keep me busy editing for a few days.  I will try to share more of them later. 

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Sour

I haven't posted much this week.  I have been fighting a sour mood.  I have written some stuff but I wasn't happy with it so I haven't posted it yet.  I didn't want to delete it and start over but I do need to make changes.  I have a 3 day weekend, maybe I can get it cleaned up and I will have lots to post.  I usually just slap down a few thoughts and feelings, proof read it a bit and hit the send button.  Not trying to write a book. Nobody is paying me.  I need to remember one of the rules. 

KISS

Keep
It
Simple
Stupid

I am feeling a bit better but I am almost afraid to get my hopes up that I have finally outlasted this bug.  That is part of the sour mood. 

It is supposed to be a beautiful day Friday.  I am so glad I am off so I can enjoy it.  I need to open the house up and get some fresh air in too!  I have a long list of things that need to be done.  If I get done playing maybe I can get to some of the chores.  I hope the sunshine will improve my mood.  My "love" of winter is another part of my sour mood. 

I hate when I get moody.  If I could hide away until my mood improves I would.  But no skipping out on work for a bit.  So bite the tongue.  Pay attention to what I am saying and put all the extra effort into not snapping at people.  No sense in sharing it and making other's day go bad.  Holding it in can sour my mood further.  Lovely circle huh?

I do not have to get up when the alarm goes off in the morning.  So I can sit here and type away as late as I want to.  Keep the music up loud and going for as long as I need it.  Have another glass of wine and use the effect to wash away a little bit more sour.  Some days it is harder to not let the stupid people bother me.  Today's winner wanted to me to confirm that nobody would know he wrecked his truck (doing stupid things) so that he could lie about it when he sold it.  Creep.  Greedy.  Cheater.  BLAHHH!

I set out to make this positive.  I don't think I got it there. 
Sorry
Let me see if I can end it a bit more positive.

I did go back and edit some of my old photos this week.  Taking a second look and trying different editing on some of my flower photos was nice.
Not what I did with them the 1st time that I edited them but I like them because it is different.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

A clue

I think I figured part of it out.  Just part of it.  Maybe, but I could be wrong.  I often am. 

It is not that I can't lift 10 lbs because I lack the strength.  It is because the lifting tightens the muscles in my neck.  Each lift tightens them a bit more.  Since I don't have any small weights yet I have been using a soup can.  It is what I have.  It weighs a whole 19 ounces.  It looks like it might be a good idea to start with 1 lb and 3 oz instead of the 2-3 lbs limit I was given.  After 30 reps of several different arm exercises my neck hurts.  It is a deep ache.  It leaves me feeling shaky and light headed.  I get the same feeling if I squat or bend over for very long.  This makes it difficult at the grocery store when I want more than one thing from the bottom shelf.  So things that put or build pressure in the neck are my challenge.  So I can lift 10 lbs just not several times in a row.  I can bend over and get the frying pan out of the bottom cabinet.  But I can't stay down like that and rearrange the whole cabinet.  I have noticed that if I focus on relaxing the neck and just using the muscles in my arm that I don't hurt as bad.  Isolate, it gets the job done better.  The neck is still uncomfortable afterwards but it is not hurting as much. 
This is the part of the healing that I was clueless about.  I thought that like some of the other surgeries that I have had once the area healed I would be good to go.  A few weeks to regain strength and I would be back to normal.  I couldn't have been more wrong or clueless.  I am a weakling.  The limits of what I am capable of frustrate me.  I will get busy trying to accomplish a task and will forget that I am gimpy.  Because I feel good enough most of the time.  I can get everything in the shopping cart.  But then I have to get it out of the cart at the check out stand.  Then I have to get it in the car.  Then I have to get it out of the car.  I tried to do the shopping once by myself.  Yea, I am not able to do that yet.  If it is just a few items, no problem.  But no way am I gonna try to do the big trip by myself again until I can work out with 3 lbs at a time with out hurting.  I think it might be a few more weeks before I get there.  At least a few.....

Friday, January 21, 2011

Sunny side

I am restless tonight. I can't seem to get my mind to settle down.

The rage is too shallow. It keeps itching me. Music seems to move it's boil into a breathable pattern. I feel the need to do something with it. Bleed off some of it and force it into a productive use.
Too many times this week that the frustrations had to be shoved aside. Ignore the rudeness, stare back politely at crappy attitudes. Try not to absorb it. Shake off the feelings of other's disrespect. Smile at them. Give them the answers they want to hear until they become silent. Allow them their ideas that keep them comfortable. Again it is perspective.  I have begun to perceive that it is always about perspective. (Read that last sentence with lots of sarcasm!)  They perceive they are righteously correct and have been wronged. 
Don't we all? I keep trying to get over it too. Are they trying? I can't tell. AND who am I to judge?

Don't we all have a hurt that we carry with us. Pull it out, poke at it. See if it can still stir us up? Believe that we are the only ones that feel this way? Do you feel your hurt shaped you? I suffer this idea. Is it the idea or the hurt that does the shaping? As you can tell I am clueless.

I think I could make a good hermit. IF I could keep my music, and my computer. But I could hide from most of the world.

Hide from so much of the hatefulness. Stew in my own juices and dam out the flood of that outside cesspool that threatens my heart. I can feel my desire to strike back with my rage. I can feel my knowledge, of what would cut the deepest, long to lash back. I see the results of this ugliness everyday. So I push the thought away. Shove it out of the front of my mind. How can this blackness reside in me? I am disgusted when I see it in others. I don't want to let my anger decide how I will act.

Just in the wrong mood for putting my sunny side forward. I need to get physically well enough to drain some aggression. Form it into motivation. That would be a productive use for it.  Use it and not allow it to use me.  Keep true to me. 

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Keep trying

Lots to write about today.  I am not sure where to start?  I guess with last night's new knowledge. 
I am spam. 
I tried to post a copy of yesterday's blog to my Facebook and was blocked.  I was blocked because someone has marked it as spam.  I guess a "friend" is bothered.  If that is so why don't they just delete me?   I agree that there are lots of things that shouldn't be aired or shared on FB.  So I guess someone thought my blog shouldn't be shared.  Their perspective?  I don't know, all I can do is guess.  FB is supposed to be entertainment.  If you are bothered by things why don't you "hide" them or just delete people that get on your nerves?  Even if you are trying to spare someones feelings then you can"hide" them so all of their posts can be ignored.  Yet another example of "I don't like it so I will put a stop to anyone else having to suffer it"?

As long as I live I don't think I will ever completely understand all the negative sides to humans.  What do you gain from vindictiveness? 
I understand and participate in venting.  It can be a way to release stress.  For the most part I don't want the people that I am venting about to hear me either.  I don't like hurting other people's feelings.  I have even done some petty things back when I was younger and wasn't smart enough to think things through.  I have giggled about some of them upon review too.  I shouldn't.  It is ugly behaviour.  I think I just found at least one thing for me to work on this year. 

On to better things.
I have been almost completely released!  I am back on full days at work.  Thank GOD!  I don't have to wear the neck collar on short drives.  I do have to wear the soft one if we go on a long trip, like to Missouri.  I do not have to wear the hard one anymore!  Another Thank GOD!  I can start working on building my strength back up.  I am allowed to lift a 2-3 lbs at a time and can only work with one arm at a time.  This is such good news.  I am worn out with being weak.  I have to admit I am very discouraged that I have to start from that far on the bottom.  But it is measurable forward progress.  Please join me in Another THANK GOD!  Doc said I was healing well.  He also said that my range of motion is great for the stage of healing that I am at and that I do not need to do any physical therapy.  My neck muscles are still very stiff and that causes me to hold my head at a wrong angle.  He said that it is normal and should continue to improve over time.  I do not have to go back for 3 months.  That is most wonderful.  I don't think I am going to miss driving to south Tulsa.  Not even a tiny bit.  Nope. 
I still feel like poo.  My face was flushed all day but still no fever.  The white spots are still there.  It was a challenge to concentrate today when all I wanted to do was go home and crawl in bed.  No rest for this wicked girl.
I did try to do some people watching today while waiting in between my appointments.  The closest and easiest place to wait out my wait was a McDonald's.  I got a cup of caramel coffee and sat back to enjoy it.  An older gentleman started a conversation right off.  He was a retired Podiatrists.  Very friendly and lonely guy.  He talked my ear off for 30 min.  I gave up trying to watch people after a few min and just talked to him for a bit.  I can only imagine how long he spends there each day.  Lord, I dread getting truly old.  Right now I only feel it.  I don't have to live it.  Yet.

Since I was allowed to work a full day today I stopped by the house on the way back from Tulsa and grabbed some stuff for lunch and took it back with me.  I ate it in the squad room and tried to make myself useful for the rest of the day.  Maybe if I try really hard I can get 40 hrs in before the week is over.  I did take a few breaks and look around on facebook some.  I enjoyed the old family photos my cousin posted today.  She had one that stopped me in my tracks.  It was a picture with my previous step sister in it.  I couldn't quit staring at it.  I kept looking at her face and wondering if she was already hiding my father's ugly secret sins.  She is smiling.  But I know that it isn't that hard to smile and hide the pain.  It is much easier to smile than to explain.  She is so young and pretty in the photo. 

As long as I live I will NEVER understand the ugly side(s) of humans.

I think I have shared enough for the day.  My heart hurts. 

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Fake out

I just thought I was getting better.  I didn't do much at all this weekend thinking "If I just rest enough, the meds the doc gave me will get the job done and I will feel better.  No such luck.
I woke up this morning with my throat really hurting.  I took a peek in the mirror with the flash light shining down my throat.  White spots.  I still was not running  a fever, so off to work I went until the doctor's office opened.  2 weeks in a row I got to see Dr. K.  He is a cool guy.  A really laid back Dr, but ..... not my favorite way to spend my time or money.  Strep test came back negative so he isn't sure what is causing the white spots.  He said the 1st antibiotics were strong enough to kill strep.  (And the sinus infection and the ear infection)  But since I wasn't getting better and seemed to be getting worse he gave me a different and even stronger med.

The wonderful news?  The new meds come with extra side effects.  I just can't wait for them to kick in.

I feel like I am at the bottom of a big dog pile so buried that I can't even yell Uncle!

I go back to the Surgeon in the morning.  1st I stop at the imaging center for a new x-ray.  I am so excited that I get to model one of their gowns again.  I am getting goose bumps just thinking about it.  I really hope this will be the last time I have to do this!  There is 2 hours in-between the appointments.  The imaging center is usually very efficient and gets me out in less than 30 min.  So I will have a bit of a wait before the next appointment.  I think I might have to hang out in a Tulsa breakfast establishment and people watch for a bit. 
Then it will be off to see the Surgeon with the new x-ray film.  I want him to say "You are released.  Completely released!".  I want him to say that I can actively start building up my strength.  I really need him to let me go back to work full days.  I have used up way too much for this surgery.   I know nerves take a long time to heal.  It doesn't make the wait any easier knowing this.  I know this was not a simple surgery to bounce back from in just a few weeks.  I didn't know it would be this long!

There were some beautiful sunsets this last week.  I don't have a great view out the back of my house so I skipped breaking out the camera first evening.  I did give in the next night and snap a few pictures because the colors were just so wonderful. 
See beautiful colors, lousy view.  If I weren't such a wimp and would get over this stupid, mean, old bug.  Then I COULD have gone somewhere with a better view. 

I did try to change the focus and put all those wonderful colors in the back ground.

I think it improves the view but the colors are not as vibrant. 

As in most things with real life there always seems to be a trade off.  Just because I think something is a good idea does not mean the person next to me agrees.  But a good thing may not work for everyone.  So who gets to say what is good?  Do we have to give up on something because it is not good for everyone?  
I had a new friend on FB post an interesting idea.  It was about yearning for the freedom to be wrong.  As I read her post I tried to apply it personally.  My response, in part was, "If we are given the freedom to try and fail with out blame......Then, what would we be willing to try?"

What should I want to be willing to try?  What should I put me efforts toward?  I know my attitude could use some attention. 

Friday, January 14, 2011

A Bit Better

I feel better today.  My ear isn't hurting and I can smell again. 
That isn't always a good thing when you live with a Shepard.  The living room carpet smelled way to much like her.  I had a can of Woolite carpet cleaner in the cabinet that I tried to put to good use.  I couldn't scrub it clean but I wiped a little bit, took a break, wiped some more, then had to give up.  I STILL haven't got my strength back.  Thank goodness the carpet does smell better even with my feeble effort. 
Another plus is today's weather.  It is above freezing!  Winter is bad enough without the single digit temps.  Brrrr!  I could tell it wasn't as cold because it got too warm in the house last night.  I woke up at 4:00am overheated.  I got up and turned the heat down but was only able to just drift back off before the 5:00am alarm went off.  It made for a long morning.
It hurt to get up and go to work on a Friday.  I am way spoiled to my 3 day weekends.  But I had to go in and make up the hours I missed from calling in sick on Monday.  I think I will have just enough comp time left to use before I go back to the Surgeon next Wednesday.  I can not imagine him thinking that I STILL need to be on 1/2 days!  My co-worker wants to start trading Fridays off again.  I have to be on full days so he can enjoy a Friday off.  His schedule changed enough that it is possible for him to try it again. 
No big jobs or chores scheduled for this weekend, so 2 days should do it for relaxing.  We do have to get with Mattie and take her out for her belated Birthday dinner some time this weekend.  I was too sick with the crud to spend the evening making her a dinner.  I need to call her when she gets off work and find out what night she wants to go. 
I want winter to be over.  I wish for a good old Oklahoma warm summer day.  I know most don't like the heat but I can stand it so much better than this week's weather. 

I would much rather be able to do this on a 100 plus day! 
Beats the freezing and snow any day.   
I miss the Johnson grass tickling my legs. 
There is ONLY a few months before it gets warm again. 
It was pretty nice out today.  I should have gone out and taken some new pictures.  But just getting over this cold/infection I didn't want to push it. 
Another day.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Cold

I know I have beat this drum before, but I hate winter.  Everyone around me has been sick for weeks.  It finally caught me.  Sore throat and an ear ache is just part of the fun.  I can't afford to miss any more work.  I took Monday off and slept all day taking Nyquil.  It didn't help much.  I still felt like poo.  I went to work anyhow.  No fever so I shouldn't be contagious?  I was still feeling bad this morning so I called and got in to see my family doc.  He didn't test for strep, said he hasn't seen any of it going around.  I do have a sinus infection, a ear infection and an upper respiratory infection.  So he put me on strong antibiotics.  I hope by this weekend I will feel better. 
Yesterday was my baby girl's 23rd Birthday.  I like to make the girls what ever they want for a Birthday dinner.  Too sick this year.  She is afraid to come over.  I don't blame her!  She said we could get together this weekend and take her out to eat.
Why is it, that when you seem to put extra effort in to something that it back fires?  I guess I will have to put in even more effort.  I hate haters!  LOL!  Sorry I know that doesn't make sense but it is how I feel.  I do wish peeps wouldn't try to pull the rug out from under me.  I've got too much to do to keep jumping over  extra hurdles right now. 
Enough of this for tonight.  With the mood I am in I would just complain.  Who wants to hear that?
Back to music and FB. 
I have been talking with my 12 yr old niece lots lately.  She is such a sweetie!

Saturday, January 8, 2011

One change

A new bed. That is all that we needed. Just a new bed.


We purchased one just a few years ago but it was a very bad buy. Way too soft! The extra thick pillow top was sagging and it was like sleeping in a bowl. It was awful. This old gimpy lady was having all kinds of problems with it. Then it was decided that we were going to switch from a queen to a king. THAT opened up all kinds of changes. Our old bedroom was not big enough for a king bed. Only one bedroom in the house was going to be big enough and it was not the one with the ½ bath. Oh well, who needs a ½ bath if they have a king size bed?

So out with the old yucky mattress. We gave it to one of my daughter's friends that did not have a bed. I hope he can sleep on it. (I sure couldn’t!) Everything had to come out of the old bedroom. I did leave the curtains on the windows and the pictures on the walls, but that is it. Then everything had to come out of the new bedroom and all that stuff put in the old room. This time the curtains and the pictures had to go too! We are so spoiled to black out curtains that I had to go find something that would work in the new room.

So 2 bedrooms completely emptied. Of course I can’t do any of the furniture moving but I was able to move the clothes around in the closets and strip and remake beds. The house was a mess. Most of it was piled up in the office. There is still a mess in the office. I will worry about that tomorrow. I can’t do anymore tonight.

The new bed was delivered today. The delivery crew did a good job and were gone in no time. So new bed was in and new curtains were hung. I have never had a king size bed before. That means I don’t have any bedding that will work on it. So back to the store to spend more money. It’s only money, right? JC Penny’s had a decent sale going so we got new pillows and bedding. I am going to have to live with only one set of sheets for a bit. Even on sale that stuff is not cheap!

Thank you to my daughter and my son-in-law for helping move stuff around today! It is frustrating to just stand and watch everyone else do everything.

Still have a few more things to get. We never did really decorate that room after my daughter moved out so we need to get some new pictures on the walls and maybe some lamps.

Who would have guessed that just getting a new bed would be such a big job that it would take all weekend to do it?

All of that will have to wait until I get rested up! I sure am tired from watching everyone else move furniture around!

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Green

I miss the warm sunshine.  Warm sun light with green everywhere.  The older I get the more I love green growing things.  Especially in the winter. 
I have several plants in my kitchen and dining room.  I would have more if I had space to put them!  I like to wash my indoor plants off every now and again.  They get dusty with out rain to clean them off.  So a few times a year I will put them in the sink and give them a shower.  That is one of the things I did this weekend.  I enjoyed the green so much that I stopped and played with my camera a little bit and took some pictures. 
Warm yellow light and green leaves! 

It is not the sun and it is just a house plant.  But until winter gives up it is the best I could find. 

I had to wait to put it back where it belongs because it was wet.  So I took pictures and practised with my focusing.  It would be much easier to get crisp focus if I had a tripod. 
I didn't pick a cheap hobby.  But it can keep me entertained for hours.

Didn't feel so great today.  I have been fighting off a cold or something for the last few days.  I left work early because I had to go to a supervisor's meeting tonight.  I can still only work 1/2 days so I worked a few hours this morning then went home so I could go back this evening.  After I got home I curled up on the couch and slept ALL afternoon.  I woke up feeling a bit better.  I sure hope I am not catching the nasty cold/virus/whatever thing that BT has had for the last week.  I do not want it!  That or the flu that a few people have had at work.  Ewww..... there is a nasty stomach virus going around too!  Another reason to dislike winter.  Everybody gets sick so much more. 
Time for me to take a shower and get to bed.  I know that when the 5:00am alarm goes off I will wish I had got to bed earlier.  As always.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Just decide

I think I have the New Year blahhh's.  Nothing is new except the calender.  Same old stuff and same old attitude.  I think my "working on it" has come out of gear and is just sitting in idle.  Where do I find my motivation?  I can feel it following me around but it is just a shadow.  I need to find that right spot in my head that will make it solid.  If I can decide, if I can get it clear in my head then the rest will follow.  First there is a need to block out some of the ugly things that people throw in my direction.  Then I need to dig through all my own doubts and excuses and move them out of the way. 
I have always been able to lie to myself way too easily. 
My attitude is often the main block to reaching my goals. 
My anger or hurt often decides which direction I go. 
I need to decide.
Do
or
Don't
Just decide and get on with it. 
Quit letting other's attitudes drag me into their endless circle.  That is their Hell.  I have my own demons that I fight.  I don't want theirs!
So where do I want to go this year?  What am I going to do?  Will I get to try some new things?  Am I going to set a goal?  Can I give up old fears?  I know I would be stronger for each one I shake off.  How much do I change without losing myself? 
For a bit longer I am stuck in idle.  This is time that I could use to get it organized in my head.
Where is that motivation?