From the back of my brain.

Back when I was about 5 years of age my mother was put in a mental hospital.  The kinder or more gentle way it was explained back then, was that mom had a nervous breakdown.  I remember some but not much of that episode.  I remember asking Grams where my mom was.  Grams told me that mom was sick and was getting help.  I also remember everyone seemed to be on an emotional edge for several days.  I know that she broke Grams' China Hutch.  Grams had all kinds of glassware in there that she had collected.  Mom turned the whole thing over and broke almost every thing inside.
This was the first time that mom was locked up.  My brother, sister and myself stayed with Grams and Gramps while she was away.  I don't remember being upset for very long that mom was gone.  Grams took good care of us. 
On our way to Missouri this weekend I remembered something.  I don't know why this surfaced from the back of my brain.  It was a trip that Gramps and Grams took us on to Vinita, OK to visit mom at the mental hospital.  I know we were all very excited that we were going to see her.  I remember bugging Gramps because we all kept asking "Are we there yet?"  He got tired of that question and told us we were not allowed to ask it anymore.  So our next question was "Is it much further?"  Grams laughed at that so Gramps wasn't as grumpy.  The ride seem to take forever!  We stopped on the way to take a break.  I am sure Grams was the one that suggested it so that Gramps could have a break from us!
We were on the Will Rogers Turnpike and our rest stop was the Howard Johnson.  I was fascinated!  The building is still there but it is a McDonald's now.

The building is a bridge across the Turnpike.  There are tables all along the windows.  I loved sitting at the table and watching all the cars drive under me. 
It is just a small memory and not very complete.  I barely remember getting there and seeing my mom.  But I do remember the glass house restaurant.  Plus it wasn't every day that Grams could laugh at something and change Gramps grouchy mood.  I know we all fell asleep on the way home.  We weren't as excited.  Going home was not an adventure. 
I have only been inside the Glass House one other time. 
I know where I will take a break on the next trip to Missouri.  I will have my camera with me.  I want to take a picture of the traffic as it drives under me. 
Maybe, just maybe, it will pull a little bit more of that 5 year old little girl's memories to the front of my brain.

Road Trip!

We made the trip to Missouri this weekend.  We had originally planned on going at the beginning of the month but the big huge snowfall changed those plans.  Then we had to wait for our doggie setter (Thank you Mattie!!) to get a free weekend.  We can't just leave almost 90lbs of German Shepard home alone for a day and a half.  But finally everything worked out and we got to go visit the Grandson.  And his Daddy and Mommy, we did talk to them a little bit too. 
Wow is he getting big.  Just almost setting up by himself.  Playing with his toys.  And talking!  Lots and lots of baby talk.  I kept "talking" back to him using Ga sounds.  After all he has to make the Ga sound to be able to say Grandma. 

His hand and eye coordination are improving.  Everything goes in his mouth.  Even my fingers.  He is cutting his bottom teeth and wants to chew on everything. 

He has the most beautiful blue eyes.

He was getting a bit sleepy here.  It is hard work being this cute.  It was just a few minutes later and he had crashed. 

He likes to have his bottom patted.  Hmmmm.... I have noticed that "others" of the male species like that too. 

Just an observation.

I got lots and lots of hugs and kisses this weekend.  I was on empty since I hadn't seen him since Christmas.  That is way too long to go without seeing him!  I loved it when he wrapped his arm around my neck and hugged me back!  So sweet!  I keep thinking that I have already given him all of my heart.  Then he does something like that and I find another piece has been given over to him.

There are already plans for the next visit.  His Mommy and Daddy are going to go camping next month.  I get to keep him all weekend. 

Oh Boy are we going to have fun!

How will I ever be able to give him back?

Just plain

It isn't easy to admit... but, I have an addictive personality.  Not me being additive!  My personality would drive people away long before they could get addicted!

It is that I get addicted to things. 
 
My current addictions are:
Caffeine - Love my coffee!  And tea.  Preferably sweet tea.  See next addiction.
Sugar - How I wish I could beat this one!  Dang sweet tooth.
Facebook - Most days I am on at LEAST for a little while.
Headphones - I love listening to music with my headphones.  It blocks out all other noise and lets me get lost in the music!
Swearing - Bad habit.  I can usually control this one.  Unless I am mad.  If I string more than two swear words together that means I am NOT currently in control.  It happens.  That is why it is still on this list.

Not too long of a list.  I have kicked a few addictions.  That is one of the things I can claim about myself that HAS improved with age.  Getting rid of a bad habit or addiction feels good. 
That is all that I can come up with. 
I wonder if others could add to it? 
It might be better for my self confidence if I don't ask!
No way would I ever try to list all of my faults!  I know that list is long.  Some things, I have learned, are just better off accepted. 
I like to think I am fairly opened minded.  On most things.  But I have my limits.  I am still a product of my upbringing.  There are things that set my teeth on edge a few years ago that don't bother me at all now.  So how did I get from my last nerve to not caring a bit? 
I am just not sure. 
Did I, ME, DEBBIE, grow up on a few things?  Is it temporary?  I hope not. 
I am not making as big of a fool of myself lately.  Or a better way to say that might be;  I don't feel as foolish lately.  I might be perceived the "same as always" to others.  But I am more comfortable with myself now.  And to be honest that is what I am more worried about.  If someone didn't like me the way I was they probably still won't like me.  So I am not too worried about what others think about me.  I would rather worry about if I can look at myself in the mirror without loathing. 
I am not comfortable with organized religion but I do consider myself to be a Christian.  I feel that I am a moral person.  I know what is right and what is wrong and try to live my life right. 
I fight judging people.  But I don't want to be judged wrongly, so I have worked hard on keeping an open mind about other people and their struggles.  I know we all handle pain in different ways.  I have observed people react lots of different ways.  It is still hard to watch someone struggle.  The "fixer" part of me wants to help.  But if I have not been asked, then I am only intruding.  And I sure have found that when a "person" intrudes, where they have not been asked, you will end up feeling foolish. 
One of the biggest miracles for me is that I am learning to keep my mouth shut.  Sometimes.  That is so much better than before.  Used to be I never could keep it shut.  Now I can know or feel strongly about something and just keep it to myself.  Amazing.  It is nice to be more comfortable in my own skin.
I also struggle with self worth.  I know I am not trash but how much am I worth?  Good enough to do a job that anyone else could do?  That isn't so good.  Where is the balance between self doubt and an over inflated opinion of myself?   
My own self view is that I am a plain person.  No fancy in me.  Stubborn.  And a bit of a "know it all".  Ewww!  "Know it alls" never know it all.  I hate that part of me.  Why, why, why would I ever think someone would give two cents for my opinion?  Not much to be proud of.  But not much to be ashamed of either.  Just a plain person.  A person with a fairly short list of addictions.  But an admitted fear of listing all my faults.  Also an admitted fear of having other's list my faults.  Hmmm...  As much as I say I don't care what others think, I find that I keep saying things that contradict that.  There is something to think on.

I think I better get out of my house and take some pictures.
The posts with photos are so much easier on me.

Good Monday

I was finally able to deliver my last Christmas present this week. 
Took awhile didn't it? 
My youngest daughter wears contacts but doesn't always have the money to get them.  I wanted to get her 1/2 years worth for Christmas.  It wasn't as easy as I thought it would be.  I figured I would call her Optometrist and just ask them to order some for her.  Nope.  They said it had been just over a year since her last exam so they could/would not do that.  They suggested that I pay for her exam.  I didn't want to do that because I was pretty sure she had insurance that would cover the exam.  After the lady made several suggestions I thanked her for her time and planned on just telling Mattie about it on Christmas.  So on X-mas day after she opened her other gifts I told her what I wanted to do.  Go figure, she had already made an appointment to have her eyes examined in January.  She finally had them order the contacts this month and called me last week to let me know they were in. 
Of course it took me a few days to remember to go pick them up.  Anything that is different than my normal schedule is easily forgotten. 
I wonder why that is? 
I got to missing her and wanted to spend some time with her.  Poof!  Oh yea!  I still had not picked up her contacts!  Thank goodness the docs office was open on Presidents Day! 
I also wanted to go to Tulsa and visit Grams so we were able to get both visits in.  I played 2 games of Cribbage with Grams.  Wonder of wonder I won both games.  Grams seemed to be doing ok mostly.  She is having problems accepting her limits.  She is still mad about the family taking her car away from her.  She will just not accept that she shouldn't drive anymore.  She also said something about walking to the store.  I tried to convince her that it would not be a good idea.  I know she would get lost before she got very far.  She has lived in that same area for decades but her memory would fail her.  Plus it is not the best neighborhood anymore.  It is hard to see her so frustrated. 
When Mattie got home from work we headed to her house.  We wanted to go out for dinner but we were having trouble deciding where to go.  We were headed to our favorite Pizza place in Tulsa when Mattie suggested Kilkenny's.  It is an Irish Pub next door to the Pizza place.  BT & I hadn't been there before but Mattie and James had.  Excellent choice!  It was a little bit pricey but had great food and good service.  I don't mind paying a bit more if it is good. 
Monday turned out to be pretty good.  I had the day off so I slept in.  The dog has been waking me up early this weekend.  Saturday I had my feet hanging out of the covers and she kept kissing my toes.  Hard to sleep thought that!
I had a late breakfast or early lunch (however you want to look at it) that I did not have to cook or clean up!
I got to visit with my Grams.  Plus I was able to win two games of Cribbage against her.  That seldom happens.  Maybe she let me beat her?
I got to see my baby girl and have dinner with her and her hubby. 
I didn't have to cook dinner either.  I was able to eat at a new place.  That just never happens.  Or hardly never....
It was a good day. 
It wasn't perfect.  There were a few others that I would like to have seen.  I hate when my family lives out of town. 
Perfect would be if I had all of us together!  Now that would be a great Monday. 

Full Moon

Ask anyone that works in an Emergency Room at a hospital, any Police Officer or anybody that works in Emergency Services, for some reason the full moon seems to affect the crazy people.  I don't know where these people hide the rest of the month but I sure am glad they don't all come out every day!  Of course it isn't just the day of the full moon.  It seems to be a few days before and at least one day after. 
The domestic violence sure seemed to go up this week with some of it being extra violent and the rest just too stupid to be true.  Who thinks that their current boyfriend, the one paying all the bills, will be ok if you move your ex-husband in with you?  How did she really expect that to work out?  No sense in her that is for sure.  I won't review the violent ones on here.  Too sad and pathetic. 
Most Fridays are pretty quiet at work.  Not this week.  It was steady all day.  One phone call after another this morning.  It finally quit ringing so much after lunch but then came all the walk-ins.  There is seldom a line at our Records window but there was today.  I wasn't able to help most of them either.  Same with the phone calls.  I had a lady that wanted to know if I could tell her if her mother was born in Owasso.  It took a bit of explaining from me to make her understand that all I have records of are police reports.  I did check to see if her mother's name had any history at our Dept.  No such luck.  She sure wanted me to have more answers that I was able to give.  I had another one that called that kept asking over and over for legal advise.  I kept telling her I was just a paper pusher and that I was in no way qualified to answer her questions.  It really was strange people day.
I do wish that this was the only time the crazies came out.  But then my job would be a lot more boring!  The one that I had last week that cracked me up wanted to know how to get peoples names, that were like his, off of a criminal history search that he did on his computer.  When I asked him if they had the same first, middle and last name as his he said no.  Next I asked him if they had the same date of birth as him he said no.  I had to explain that "those" people were not him and that if a potential employer did a search they would know that.  I don't think he believed me. 
I guess like most others I want it my way.  A little entertainment when I am bored and a little quiet when it gets too crazy.  That isn't too much to ask for is it? 

One other thing.
Am I the only one that is worried about who is voting and reproducing? 

Alright..... two more things. 
It just occurred to me that I could be one of the crazies. 
Is that anything like the blind leading the blind? 

I could howl at the moon and see if anyone answers. 

From English grammar to a family history lesson.

I typed this blog weeks ago. I wasn't happy with it at the time so I set it aside for a bit. I have gone back and edited it some. I did get some of the old family photos scanned so I feel better about posting it now. 
It just didn't seem right to not post pictures of Great Grandma Carrie when I was going to blog about her.


I have a few different blogs that I like to follow in my effort to keep myself entertained. I read one this week about the current use of the English language. It reminded me of my Great Grandmother Carrie. She was a school teacher and passed her ideas of proper English on to her only living child, my grandfather. One of their pet peeves was ending a sentence with a preposition.

Where are you at?

Wrong. Bad form. Incorrect.

I can still hear my Grandpa say in answer to this, "Between the A and the T". A nonsense answer in response to a poorly worded question. He was supposed to have learned this saying from her. Just in case you don't know...... The proper way to say it is "Where are you?".
You never know, I might have some one reading this that would not know that. I wouldn't want to leave them wondering.
It could happen, me the one who needs an English lesson, could teach someone something.  For those that know me well you can quit laughing now......

I think of him and her every time I hear someone say it incorrectly. I have caught myself saying it that way too. I am sloppy in my speaking habits. I try to do a bit better in my writing but I am not a writer. I catch many mistakes when I proof read but I always find more when I go back and read it after it is posted. All of this made me stop and think about what Grandma Carrie would think of the world today. Her world was so very different.

Carrie E BOYD b: 23 Dec 1884 in IN

She taught at an Indian school called Requah somewhere in Mayes County, Oklahoma. 

Here is a photo of the old school building she taught in.  It was long closed when this photo was taken.

 

From what I have been told she had to quit teaching after she married. She was considered an old maid by the time she married. Only one of her children lived past infancy. They all had a milk allergy. My Grandpa was able to survive on goat milk.

Here is a picture of them. 

I know if it was me I would have the hardest time not over babying my only living baby!

That side of the family is supposed to be Wyandotte Indian. I have not been able to confirm that though. The French called them by a different name, Hurons.  That is a name that is seen in history books.  I did find the family in the 1900's on a Indian reservation when Oklahoma was still Indian territory.

1900 census: Wyandotte Nation, Ology Boyd(41,IN) Nov 1858, sawyer, saw mill, Emily (39,IN)

Aug 1860, marr 22 yrs, 5 of 8 chil living, Dora(18,IN) Oct 1881, Warren(17,IN) Jul 1883, teamster,Carrie(15,IN) Dec 1884, Ada(13,IN) Apr 1887, Emma (10,IN) Dec 1889

Here is a picture of Grandma Carrie and her little sister Emma.

Emma is on the left and Carrie is on the right.  I don't know what year it was taken.  On the back it only lists their names and that it was taken in Wyandotte OK. 

I don't know why the family moved from Indiana to Oklahoma. They are listed as white in the census but whites were not allowed to live in Indian territory back then. Confusing. I know many people did not claim their Indian blood because of the poor treatment they received. Is this what my family did?

I like the Ology name of my GG Grandpa. I have heard his name was Oliver. I can see the little census taker going from door to door asking families their names and my Grandpa saying Ollie G Boyd. Of course this is just a guess because an earlier census (1870) has him listed as Zoology when he was 12 yrs old. There is just no telling what that poor man's real name was! (His headstone simply says O. G. Boyd) Some of the names of other families in the same area were very much Indian names. I think my favorite Indian name on that same 1900 census was Chops A Log. Did his family shorten it when they talked to him? I like names so it makes me wonder.

I was able to trace the Boyd line all the way back to the 1500's in Scotland. There was a quick stay in England. An English lady married into the family at that time. Then the family was back in Scotland, A short stay in Ireland then back to Scotland. Then off to the good old USA. I don't know what year they came to America. All I have is when the when the last Boyd in our family line was born in Scotland.

James BOYD b: 6 MAY 1669 in Kirkintilloch, [parish], Dunbartonshire, Scotland

The next James Boyd was born in the Virginia.
So here is when one branch of my family made it to America. Some where along the line they must have married a Wyndotte Indian. I don't know if it was Emily, that was married to Ology/Ollie/Oliver/Zoology. I don't think it was the next generation back. Daniel Boyd's wife has a history that does not seem to account for any Native American blood.

DANIEL BOYD, farmer, York Township, born in this county in 1831, is a son of Elijah Boyd, whose history appears above. He grew up on the farm with his parents, and shared the limited advantages of the common schools. In 1854 was married to Laura A. IRBY, a native of Indiana, and daughter of Joseph A. and Eliza (WALKER) Irby, natives of Tennessee and Indiana respectively. Her parents married in this State and subsequently moved to Illinois, where they now reside at Caving Rock. After his marriage Mr. Boyd began operations for himself; he made his first purchase in 1857, which he sold in 1860, and then purchased his present farm of 113 3/4 acres, on which he has since resided and has done a general farming business, and has been fairly successful. Mr. Boyd has reared nine children: Fernando, Ology, Angeline, Joseph, Jennie, Emerson, Norris, Daniel and John.

I think I need to look closer at back when the family was living in Ohio. That is where the Wyandotte's were from before they were made to move off their traditional lands.

So how did I get from a complaint of poor English to this long drawn out family history? Simple. My weird head made the connections and I went with it. I tend to over think things. And I tend to carry on too much.

But I wanted to document that I still think of my Great Grandma. It happens pretty often too. She was an interesting lady. I wish I knew more of her story 1st hand. I was too young when she died to be interested in family history. That interest came many years later and much too late to ask her. I do cherish the memories that I have. She was always kind to me. She lived next door to Grams and Gramps and I remember walking over to visit. I learned how to braid hair from her. She had very long hair that she kept braided and wore it wrapped around the top of her head. I remember helping her with it after she washed it. I remember looking and gently playing with some glass trinkets that she had on display in her house. I was always so surprised when she let me play with them. My nick name back then was Debbie Do and the Don'ts. I was always being told Debbie DON'T touch that. (I wonder why? LOL!) Great Grandma Carrie never told me no. She just asked that I be careful. I was so thrilled to be given the chance that I was extra careful. Decades later some of those same little trinkets sit on a shelf in Gram's house. I still remember them being on a little mirrored display on the top of a wooden side table. The table wasn't as lucky. It didn't survive.

Here is a photo of what she looked like when I was a young girl. 

No that is not me in the photo.  I wasn't born yet when this picture was taken. 
She still looked like this when I was about 6.  She always wore a dress.  And her hair was always braided.

You aren't forgotten Grandma. 

All day

I love the weekend.  I enjoy not waking up to the alarm the most.  That thing, the alarm clock, can make the most awful sound.  I am not a morning person but once I am up and moving I do ok.  Ok, once I am up, moving and have had several cups of my lovely friend coffee, I am ok.  I woke up this Saturday morning before dawn and laid there in the dark dreading hearing the alarm going off until I remembered it was Saturday.  It was such a pleasant realization that I REALLY enjoyed rolling over and going back to sleep. 
I did finally wake up, make my coffee, and drink several cups before I finally got in the shower and got ready for the day.
We were going shopping.  Uggghhh
At least it wasn't shoe shopping.
We were looking for a new truck for the hubby.  Oh joy car salesmen....
He has been looking at the Toyota trucks on line and wanted to go test drive one.  He took the title to his old truck with him.  I was pretty sure we were not bringing old red home with us. 
The Toyota dealership is wayyyyy on the other side of Tulsa.  So from 86 St North to 91 St South.  At least it is a straight shot all the way down US 169.  Three brand new, smooth lanes most of the way too.  We left the house around 9am.  I had no idea this was going to take all day.  ALLLLLLL  dayyyyyyyyy. 
Never go car shopping on a Saturday.  Go on Wednesday evening.  I was told that was the day they are the slowest.  If I ever go buy another new vehicle it will be on Wednesday.
So we make it to the car dealership parking lot.  There are huge piles of snow every where.  The main areas have been plowed and it was just warm enough that everything in the sunshine was starting to melt.  The sun was not shining in between the vehicles.  The snow had been packed down hard and frozen in between each truck.  I didn't dare try to walk in between.  I have a healthy fear of slipping on the ice.  I do not want to start all over on my neck healing!  Besides this wasn't for me.  All I was there for was to say if I was comfortable riding in the passenger side of the vehicle.  We actually looked around for several minutes before a salesman found us.  That should have been my 1st clue at how busy they were.  Usually you drive through the lot and there are 2 or more chasing you down. 
We test drove a pretty little black truck 1st.  Nice ride, new, all kinds of fancy options.  But not exactly what the hubby wanted.  The salesman drove us around to the back lot where there were several more that had just came in.  They were so new that they hadn't finished getting them ready for the main lot.  Plus with all the snow they were kinda buried in the fenced off grassy area.  There were several to choose from but the hubby went straight to a beautiful blue one.  It had everything he wanted except for the step rails.  Those can always be added later.  So the salesman had one of the shop men dig it out and bring it around.  This pretty little blue truck drove even nicer.  It had better wheels and tires on it.  None of those low profile things.  Real tires that cushion some of the bumps and pot holes.  There are going to be lots of pot holes with the last two weeks weather!  Lots.
We tell our nice little salesman that we are interested in buying the truck and to make us an offer.  Oh!  I forgot to mention that our salesman was not a local guy at all.  He was from England.  Nice man with duel citizenship.  His dad met his mom while in the Air Force.  He lived here in the US as a child for a bit but went back to England at the age of 8.  He moved back to the US about 4 years ago to work with his Uncle's construction company right after a huge ice storm we had in NE Oklahoma. 
Have I mentioned that I hate winter?  It is such a pain!
So Tom, our salesman, says that he came in to buy a truck and ended up with a job instead. 
He was a good salesman.  Knew his product.  Wasn't too pushy.  So I imagine he does good.  He made us an offer, the hubby countered and they accepted.  Now we had to wait for one of the finance men.  We waited and waited.  They were busy.  We were ready to leave to go get something to eat.  We had been there for about 3 hours at this point and we were both hungry.  So the finance manager had the cafe inside the dealership (Yes a cafe with latte, coffee, pop, tea, cookies, muffins and sandwiches) make each of us a free club sandwich.  They didn't want us to leave and possibly get cold feet I guess.  After we ate Tom came back and we talked about families.  He kept us entertained as best as he could but it was still a long wait.  About an hour and a half later it was our turn with the finance man.  You will never believe where he was from.  England.  Go figure 2 working at the same dealership.  Another nice man that was good at his job.  We bartered and bargained, got a good interest rate, signed everything then it was back to waiting.  They had to get our truck ready.  They did finally get every thing done and handed the hubby his keys.  It was nice to be headed home!  It was 7pm by the time we made it back to the house.  Such a long day.  Very long day. 

So here is what we came home with.

Pretty ain't it? 



Sorry!

Pretty isn't it?

Wild Child(ren)

At the age of 10 or 11 I was put into the Children's Home. 
I hadn't seen my father since I was about 3-4.  I had no idea how lucky I was on that. 
My mother was locked up in a mental hospital.  It wasn't her 1st stay.  It wasn't her last stay either.  She hadn't been well enough to take care of us for years. 
We ran wild.  We would be my big brother, myself and my little sister. 
She seldom fed us.  She didn't do laundry.  She sure didn't clean house.  She didn't know where we were or who we were with.  We didn't ask to go anywhere we just went.  Those last few years she didn't get us up to go to school.  What usually motivated me to go was to get something to eat.  They served lunch.  I think my grandparents might have paid for our lunches.  I don't remember ever having to pay.  But the school didn't give food away for free. 
Another mystery from my childhood that I should have asked Grams about. 
The last house we lived in with mom was one block up from our school.  I think my Gramps paid the rent on it most of the time.  Pretty sure my mom didn't.  She couldn't hold a job.  I remember looking all around the neighborhood for empty pop bottles that were thrown out like trash.  We could turn them in for a few pennies each.  The more I found the more junk food I could buy.  One of my favorite things to get was a bottle of Mt. Dew pop and a bag of shelled and salted peanuts.  I would open the bag of nuts and poor them into the bottle of pop.  I think I watched one of my big brother's friends do this.  I was hooked.  It was such a wonderful mixture of salty and sweet.  It wasn't easy to find enough pop bottles for my favorite treat very often.  Most of the time I just found a few and would buy some penny candy.  Laffy Taffy was the good stuff.  Banana flavor was high on the list with sour apple as a second favorite.  We could also get something to eat at one of my brother's friend's house.  His mom was Ms. Ula.  She was a single mom too. She had a big heart and would let us eat with her several times a week.  I don't know how she could afford to feed 3 more mouths.  I still make some of the same types of food that she fed us.  It is my comfort food.
Anyway we had the run of the whole neighborhood.  For the most part we stayed out of trouble.  We were pretty rotten about throwing eggs at cars from the roof of the house.  That was my main crime.  Rotten, but it could have been much worse.  Mom was simply not present in the real world to stop or correct us. 
I know there were many times you could not see the floor in the house for all the dirty clothes, trash and just junk thrown about.  The place was filthy.  It was also infested with roaches.  To this day I can not live with roaches.  I will rip my house apart spraying bug spay and cleaning it, if I see just one.  I still get shivers when I see one of the nasty things.

So this is the wild child(ren) that was/were placed into the Children's Home.  It was a very big change.  We were told when or what to do in everything.  One nice thing was they did feed me 3 times a day! 

Here is a picture of my brother, sister and myself 2 months after we were put in the home. 

We had already been fattened up with 3 squares a day.

Can you imagine how skinny we all were before?

Most of the Children's Home is gone now.  All the houses have been torn down. 

I did go back to visit once after I became an adult.  My daughter's 3 grade teacher gathered items from her class to give as gifts to kids at the Home.  When she found out that I used to live there she begged me to go with her.  She didn't know where it was or how to get there.  It wasn't easy for me to go back.  There was still a big mixture of feelings attached to the place.  I had a few very nice houseparents there.  They never seemed to stay long.  I had several ok houseparents there.  I don't even remember their names.  I also had a few mean houseparents there.  I have a hard time remembering their names too.  The place was ran by the Church of Christ.  So I think the houseparents were supposed to be good Christians.  I did learn that some people that claim to be Christians could be very cruel.  I think most were just there to get on their feet.  I formed this opinion as a child so I could be completely wrong. 

They did not have to pay rent.  They did not have to buy food.  They did not have to pay utilities.  The man always seemed to have a job outside the home and the woman took care of the kids.  There were enough beds for each house to hold 16 kids but I don't ever remember it being completely full.  The Home paid them a bit for this job.  I know they didn't get paid enough.  Not sure if you can pay someone enough to take care of up to 16 wild kids.  But they had their own suite that had 2 bedrooms a bathroom and a den that was separate from the rest of the house.  I don't remember ever being allowed to hang out in their part of the house with any of the houseparents.  Not even the very best of them.  No matter how big their hearts we were still just Home kids. 

They would get a new car.  Then they would get new furniture.  They would get lots of new things.  Then poof they were gone.  In came the next set of houseparents with new rules, an old car and old furniture.

Most of the time I was well cared for.  Fed, warm and locked up safe.  But in the 6 years that I lived there (Off and on with foster care) I grew up to be bitter.  I did let one set of houseparents break my heart.  I believed them when they told me they would stay until I was grown.  After that I let my attitude get the better of me.  I was kicked out of the place the last day of my Junior year in High School.  I took that bitter attitude with me.  I did finally figure out that carrying the anger hurt me more than anyone else.  So I learned to let most of it go.  I wish I could say it is all gone but some of it seems to hide right under the first layer of my skin. 

Girl

I can't be the only girl out there that does not like dresses.  Please tell me I am not alone in this. 
Or shopping.
I know there are other girls that don't like shopping.  I have heard their complaints and have joined them. 
One that seems to be a huge favorite of most women is shoe shopping.  I HATE shoe shopping with a passion.  It might go easier for me if I liked at least a few of the styles.  BUT good GOD do they have to make them all with bows, ribbon or some ugly pastel color on them?  I do not wear dresses and that seems to be a big part of girls shoes.  Sorry I am not wearing heals anymore.  I did back when I was a teen.  It didn't take me long to give the dumb things up.  Sandals are the worst.  Way too much crap all over them. 
I do not own anything pink.  I do not own anything with frills.  Just not my taste.  I have no desire to have sparkles on my shirt.  I would much rather have a t-shirt with an interesting graphic design on it.  Preferably in black, but I do have a few in other colors. 
Back to the dress statement that I started out with.  My mom always put me in dresses.  I didn't know any different until I was about 6 years old.  One of mom's friends gave me some of her daughters hand me downs.  There was a pair of girls pants included.  I loved them.  That is all I wanted to wear after that.  It started an everyday war between my mom and me that went on for years.  After we were put in the Children's Home I had to wear them again going to church Sunday morning, and again on Sunday night, and again on Wednesday night, and AGAIN to school for Chapel on Wednesday.  There wasn't a way to get out of it.  It was a war that I knew I could not win so I didn't fight it.  I wore a few more after I left the home but within a few years I no longer owned one.  I can't remember how long it has been since I owned a dress?  I know I had to borrow one to wear to my big brother's wedding.  That was about 20 years ago. 
I did get used to them but I never liked them.  Hateful ugly things.  Who came up with them?  How are you supposed to get anything done wearing them. 
I was going through my drawer in the old dresser last week getting rid of things and moving the stuff to the new one.  In the bottom drawer I found an old wallet of mine.  A really old wallet.  The only thing still in it was photos.  I used this wallet when I was still in school so all the photos were old school friends.  There was one that I hadn't seen in years of my brother and me.  I was wearing a dress.  That is what got my brain started on all of this.  We were going to Green Country Christian Academy at the time and the photo was taken at a 9th or 10th grade banquet.  We were not allowed to have dances.  God forbid we wiggled anything.  That might give the boys ideas.  Like they needed help to get ideas! 
Any way the Children's home would not allow us to have dates so it is my brother and I in the photo together.  Pathetic huh.  Don't feel sorry for me I made up for lost time after they kicked me out of the place.  It was later that I would need sympathy.  I sure could screw things up.  LOL!
So back to original subject.  I have never been a fan of dresses or anything else that is too girlie.  I have always snickered at girlie behavior.  I know it is bad manners but I still do it.  I don't do it in front of the girls I am snickering at.  Remember?  I don't like to hurt peoples feelings.  I do catch myself doing or acting in such a girlie way sometimes.  It always cracks me up when I realize it too.  I laugh harder at myself than I do others. 
Have you ever seen when a girl gets scared and she brings her arms up in front of her chest with her hands balled up in a fist and wiggles them?  What is that supposed to do?  Is it going to scare what ever scared them back?  Is it going to make the scary thing laugh at the stupid behavior?  Is it going to make the scary thing go away?  What a useless behavior.  Where did that come from? 
I caught myself doing it.  I laughed until I could hardly breath.  I had tears running down my face.  I didn't know I had it in me.  What a useless ridiculous reaction. 
I might not wear fingernail polish, high heals or dresses but I am still a girl.  Even if I don't own anything pink.
If I would have remembered to take my photos to work with me today I could have scanned them and added a few to this blog. 
I don't know if I will get to go to work in the morning or not.  We are supposed to have another snow storm dump another load on us. 
I sure hope the weather man is wrong!

UPDATE
Here is the photo.  I finally got it scanned in.  : )

Not another snow day

Back to work this morning.  I am tired.  It has been a long day. 
Mother Nature did not pick a good time to cause so much interruption.  (Is there ever a good time?)  I did get a good start on the end of month stats.  Way too many other things kept interrupting me to get it all finished.  There was the Bail Bondsman that moved here from Mississippi that was... just... so... put out with Oklahoma laws.  He took forever to help and get him along his way.  He was horrified that everyone around here treats him like a bounty hunter.  I think if the phone hadn't rang when it did he would still be at my window. 
It didn't help that I was off for a few days and wasn't up to speed on what all measures they put in place to deal with the snow mess.  Us Okies are NOT used to 20 plus inches of snow!  Just trying to find a place to put all the stalled, stuck or abandoned cars has been a chore.  Then how do people that own those cars find them?  Trying to find out the answer to one of those types of phone calls took 30 min. of effort. 
Not such a bad day but I was glad to be able to lock up and leave the rest for another day.
BT went to the grocery store after he got off work.  They didn't have any milk or eggs.  One bread delivery truck was able to get in today so we did get 2 more loaves of bread.  Canned milk will have to do for cooking until the stores get more supplies.  Plenty of all the other supplies at the house so I guess I will have to be careful what I use the last of the milk and eggs for. 
Still much better than the ice storm we had a few years back that knocked every one's power out for weeks.  I still keep a good supply of candles on hand because of that adventure.  Nothing like losing your power in the winter!  Several of my friends have had their water pipes freeze this week.  That makes such a mess!  Me and my short supply of milk and eggs seem to doing pretty good all things considered. 
It snowed again most of the day.  It was a very wet heavy snow.  Not good when there is so much already on roofs.  More snow predicted for tonight and later this weekend.  I wonder how many roofs are going to give way before it gets warm enough to melt some of this off? 
No time or energy left to take any pictures today.  It would have been nice to take some of today's snow fall.  The wind wasn't blowing 35-40 mph so the big fat snowflakes would have shown up better.  Oh well maybe later this weekend I will get another chance.  I did get dinner made and cleaned up.  Trying to get a few loads of laundry done.  Not sure how much longer I can stay motivated. 

I will add two photos that I took yesterday afternoon of some strange clouds. 

Someone drew a line in the clouds.  The picture on the left is from my front porch looking east.  As far as I could see there was a line in the clouds.  The picture on the right was taken from my back yard looking west.  Again, a line as far as I could see. 
I wish it was like someone drawing a line in the sand and daring the snow not to cross!  Of course it only works if the snow is too afraid to cross.....

I think I will just sit back with a cup of warm tea, put on the headphones and listen to some music and relax for a bit before I head to bed.  It has been a long day.

Joy!

This is what joy looks like.

I think this one might be titled " Nobody saw me acting like a pup did they?".

I had no idea she knew how to point.  That girl has been holding out on me. 

Shy doesn't let things like her age slow her down.  Can you tell she just turned 8 last week?

It isn't just snow on her muzzle that makes it white!

But it was cold outside and she did finally have enough. 

She sat down in front of me and shivered.  I got the message and we both went in.

I am not much for the cold either.  But I do like to take pictures.  I wondered this summer if I would be motivated to go out and take pictures when it got cold.  Obviously I took Shy out to play in the back yard.  But the rest of my photos have been from the garage or standing at the front door.  When the temp is 12 degrees out I can't stay out for long.  It makes my bones hurt!

I did take more pics of the cool snow drift next to my car. 
Wind can do some cool things. 
I love how it made this look like a frozen wave.

It was difficult to get enough contrast to show that there was a crest on the top of this frozen wave! 



The black & white seemed to show it off the best.  I tried again later in the day when the sun had gone over to the other side of the house but that only made it worse.  Everything looked blue and there wasn't much detail at all.

I tried several different settings on the camera.  I just wasn't happy with any of these low light results.  I should have tried to add some light by turning on one of the shop lights.  So much to learn.  I do ok with natural light but I need practise with adding other kinds of lighting.

I might get one more shot at it before the man comes to clean off the driveway mid-morning. 

Wow!  I had no idea my shoveling efforts were worth that much money.  We have to pay someone this year.  I am not well enough and BT will never be able to do that kind of work again.  That is the price he paid to survive cancer and only have one lung.  Usually it isn't a big deal cause I like to do that kind of work.  I need to pay attention and get my strength built back up.   

My office didn't open up today after all.  They aren't sure if they will be open Thursday either.  They do have a phone number set up for us to call to see if or when they are going to open.  I am supposed to call before 10:00am to hear the message.  If they open and if the man coming to clear the driveway shows up early enough I might get to go in for a bit. 

I have erased so much tonight.  I wanted this blog to be about joy.  I keep getting side tracked.  I know that would not surprise any of you that know me at all.  That is the way my unorganized brain works. 

I hope all of you in Northeastern OK have stayed safe and warm the last few days.  I hope you have been able to take the time and enjoy at least a few moments.  As much as I dislike snow it was still fun to watch Shy play in it!  I was able to take pictures of a record breaking snow storm.  When will we ever get 21 inches of snow again?  When will the snow ever be dry enough that the wind could blow it around again?  This was a record breaking storm.  It has broken every record in NE OK.  I didn't go far but I still have a few photos that are different from the normal things I snap.  Any practise improves skill.  Even if I only learned what did not work. 

Here is one of the photos that I tried to load yesterday.  The wind was brutal!

It is so nice to not be rejected two nights in a row! 

Foolish

Yuk! Snow!  Yuk, yuk, yuk!  What a mess. 

The dog likes it. 

My office will open at noon.  I can't decide if I want to go in or not.  One of the Officers said he would come get me so I don't have to worry about driving.  I don't know if I can get from my door to the street with out getting completely covered in snow.  The crap is deep out there.  I can not shovel.  Pretty sure when the doc said I could start lifting weights that was not what he had in mind.  So..... NO cleaning the driveway for me this year.  Too bad, I need the exercise.  I do better burning calories when I have something productive to do. 

I might just stay home and entertain myself again.  Kept it pretty quiet today.  I did step out in the back yard for just a few minutes.  It was way too cold to stay out there for long at all.  I took the rest of my pictures from inside the garage or while standing at the front door.  The wind was awful! 

Brrrrr! 

I would share more of the photos but for some reason the server is rejecting all of the rest of them.  Rejected, now why does that have a familiar feeling?  hehe he he   Sorry.

I am glad my mood has improved.  Trying to get through the day all grumpy is a pain.  Every thing, and I do mean every little thing, seems to get on my nerves when I get that grumpy! 

I try to look back and see what causes such black moods?  Part of it is that I let other's poor attitudes work on me.  Part of it is I get disgusted with some of the ugly people.  Do they know that they are ugly?  Do I always know when I am acting ugly?  Probably not.  I like to think I am a very moral person.  I have a well developed conscious.  It bothers me when I know my actions are not right.  But we are all human.  Our ability to handle our emotions is never perfect.  At least my ability isn't.  That is probably part of the bad mood too.  My own inability to handle my emotions.  There is enough "freak" in me that wants to say what is on my mind.  Speak out loud the response that just adds to the hate.  I know that there will be a immediate satisfaction if I see the response that I am hoping for.  But what did I accomplish with that action?  Did I make an impression that will change anything?  All that has been accomplished is that I joined that hateful circle.  But there is also a limit.  There are times when you get pushed that you must push back.  The trick is to push only as hard as you need to.  There isn't any need to knock them down.  Just let them know.  You will not be knocked down.  Where does this need to step on someone come from?  That things have to be done your way or it is wrong?  The demand that you have to be right?   
Can't get rid of emotions.  They are what moves us.  It is what causes us to act bravely or foolishly.  If you don't know how to deal with them they can slowly eat at your insides.  Some carry heavy burdens.  Regret is a harsh one.  Hate (of course) is a horrid one.  One I see a lot that causes problems is a need for
retribution.  Every hurt or perceived hurt must be punished.  That someone has to pay a price for your pain. 
One that I fight, with some degree of success, is fear.  No way would I say I have control of it completely.  There are still things that can pull my feet right out from under me.  Some things I just can't or won't face.  At least not in public.  I seem to find a perverse pleasure at poking at them in private.  Now what the hell is up with that?  What does this say about me?  Pathetic?  Foolish?  Weak?  I try.  Some days are harder than others.  Some days I feel I am doing great.  Then I realize it is just false pride.  But the "freak" part of me that I admitted to earlier will not let me give in.  It stirs up my attitude.  It gives me the illusion that I can thumb my nose at it all. 
I still have not figured out how to put away destructive feelings.  So I carry them with me.  Some days I can ignore them.  Some days I revel in the pain.  It is an old friend.  I miss it if it is gone too long. 

There is a hole in my soul if I can't find it. 
Sit with me awhile, even if you are far away.
Talk to me some, even if you have nothing to say. 
Just look at me without your regret.

Most of the time it just leaves me looking foolish. 
Ouch. 
That always gets my attention.  What ever else, please don't act foolish!
Ooops!  Failed again. 
Oh well.  It is who/what I am.  Morally foolish and clueless.