Foolish

Yuk! Snow!  Yuk, yuk, yuk!  What a mess. 

The dog likes it. 

My office will open at noon.  I can't decide if I want to go in or not.  One of the Officers said he would come get me so I don't have to worry about driving.  I don't know if I can get from my door to the street with out getting completely covered in snow.  The crap is deep out there.  I can not shovel.  Pretty sure when the doc said I could start lifting weights that was not what he had in mind.  So..... NO cleaning the driveway for me this year.  Too bad, I need the exercise.  I do better burning calories when I have something productive to do. 

I might just stay home and entertain myself again.  Kept it pretty quiet today.  I did step out in the back yard for just a few minutes.  It was way too cold to stay out there for long at all.  I took the rest of my pictures from inside the garage or while standing at the front door.  The wind was awful! 

Brrrrr! 

I would share more of the photos but for some reason the server is rejecting all of the rest of them.  Rejected, now why does that have a familiar feeling?  hehe he he   Sorry.

I am glad my mood has improved.  Trying to get through the day all grumpy is a pain.  Every thing, and I do mean every little thing, seems to get on my nerves when I get that grumpy! 

I try to look back and see what causes such black moods?  Part of it is that I let other's poor attitudes work on me.  Part of it is I get disgusted with some of the ugly people.  Do they know that they are ugly?  Do I always know when I am acting ugly?  Probably not.  I like to think I am a very moral person.  I have a well developed conscious.  It bothers me when I know my actions are not right.  But we are all human.  Our ability to handle our emotions is never perfect.  At least my ability isn't.  That is probably part of the bad mood too.  My own inability to handle my emotions.  There is enough "freak" in me that wants to say what is on my mind.  Speak out loud the response that just adds to the hate.  I know that there will be a immediate satisfaction if I see the response that I am hoping for.  But what did I accomplish with that action?  Did I make an impression that will change anything?  All that has been accomplished is that I joined that hateful circle.  But there is also a limit.  There are times when you get pushed that you must push back.  The trick is to push only as hard as you need to.  There isn't any need to knock them down.  Just let them know.  You will not be knocked down.  Where does this need to step on someone come from?  That things have to be done your way or it is wrong?  The demand that you have to be right?   
Can't get rid of emotions.  They are what moves us.  It is what causes us to act bravely or foolishly.  If you don't know how to deal with them they can slowly eat at your insides.  Some carry heavy burdens.  Regret is a harsh one.  Hate (of course) is a horrid one.  One I see a lot that causes problems is a need for
retribution.  Every hurt or perceived hurt must be punished.  That someone has to pay a price for your pain. 
One that I fight, with some degree of success, is fear.  No way would I say I have control of it completely.  There are still things that can pull my feet right out from under me.  Some things I just can't or won't face.  At least not in public.  I seem to find a perverse pleasure at poking at them in private.  Now what the hell is up with that?  What does this say about me?  Pathetic?  Foolish?  Weak?  I try.  Some days are harder than others.  Some days I feel I am doing great.  Then I realize it is just false pride.  But the "freak" part of me that I admitted to earlier will not let me give in.  It stirs up my attitude.  It gives me the illusion that I can thumb my nose at it all. 
I still have not figured out how to put away destructive feelings.  So I carry them with me.  Some days I can ignore them.  Some days I revel in the pain.  It is an old friend.  I miss it if it is gone too long. 

There is a hole in my soul if I can't find it. 
Sit with me awhile, even if you are far away.
Talk to me some, even if you have nothing to say. 
Just look at me without your regret.

Most of the time it just leaves me looking foolish. 
Ouch. 
That always gets my attention.  What ever else, please don't act foolish!
Ooops!  Failed again. 
Oh well.  It is who/what I am.  Morally foolish and clueless.