Tuesday, November 30, 2010
wow
It has been one year. I still don't want one. I wonder how I did that? I need to apply that to other areas!
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Turkey......and gravy!
Great weekend. We went to Gram's house on Thursday. Aunt Mary and my sister Lisa did the cooking. Everything was great! I was limited to making a cake and a pie. Neither one of my daughters where there this year. I missed them. Did I say the food was great? It was!
It was nice to see my lil sister and her husband, Kim and son Jacob. It was her birthday so the day was referred to as Lisa day not Turkey day or Thanksgiving. Lisa's son is just about grown. He seemed so much more relaxed this year. He will probably grow up and go other places like my girls do too! Houston, his wife Meredith and my favorite little cousin Mik were there. Mik was cranky but I still took pictures of him. He is such a beautiful child! Houston's step mom and little sister were there too. Lilly sure has grown up! Uncle David was there playing on his computer in the corner. My cousin Steph rounded out our group. Only 13 this year. The number sure has shrunk!
Friday Rob and Carrie and Cohen came to visit. LOVED having them. We cooked the whole turkey spread again. Mattie, BT and Carrie helped cook. It was good. There was so much I wanted to do but just not physically able to yet. I look forward to getting back to 100% so I can really cook! Maybe by Christmas?
I know it should go without saying but I love my Grandson so much. He is....perfect. I wouldn't change a thing about him. I tried to not over do anything, but it was next to impossible to put him down once I was holding him. I am very tired. It was worth every bit.
Of course I took lots more photos. I am not pleased with the lighting in my kitchen/dining room. The bulbs we have make things look yellow. That will be fixed by Christmas. We hang out in the kitchen more than the living room! It did get me to do some creative photo editing.
I faded and muted all of the colors then framed it in a white matte. I love his little chubby baby fingers. Why is it I think baby fat rolls are cute but I despise mine?
This one I muted the colors and framed everything in black. He was in his mommy's lap and he was just tuckered out. Do you see the little fat rolls on his wrists? What about the dimple on his elbow. OH! I have got it bad!
I wish I could explain how I feel when I hold him.
Then his mommy and daddy went home and took him with them. I tried to talk him into tricking them. I was going to put a couple bags of flour in his car seat and cover them up with a blanket. But since I can't carry his car seat right now I had to scrap that plan. I will see him around Christmas. Not sure I can wait that long.
I have loved all of the Turkey, potatoes and the GRAVY. I had it for breakfast this morning. I had it for dinner tonight. The turkey was so juicy this year and the gravy was so creamy! Yesterday I made a huge pot of turkey mushroom soup. That is what I had for lunch. But I sent the last little bit of that with Carrie and Rob. Rob had a cold turkey sandwich for lunch. There is still more turkey in the fridge. Maybe Turkey pot pie or Turkey and rice in mushroom gravy?
The only dessert left is one piece of pecan pie. All of the Mandarin Orange cake, the Cherry pie, the pumpkin roll are gone. I guess I should have made the Cheese cake. Oh and I licked the last of the Whiskey Maple Cream Sauce from the bowl today so it is gone too! That stuff is deadly good!!
My house is too quiet. I am so very very tired.
No work for me in the morning. I have to stay home so the heat and air man can fix our heater. It was acting up all weekend. The replacement part will be here in the morning. Once that is fixed I will go to work in the afternoon.
One more thing made for a nice weekend. I am a finalist in the City of Owasso's photo contest. I was way too pleased that one of my pictures was picked. There are 14 photos that the City picked. They have printed large copies of them and will move them around to several locations in the City for people to vote on. I hope to, at least, win a copy of my photo printed and framed. That would be cool. This is the pic.
Out of ooomph! For sure.
It was nice to see my lil sister and her husband, Kim and son Jacob. It was her birthday so the day was referred to as Lisa day not Turkey day or Thanksgiving. Lisa's son is just about grown. He seemed so much more relaxed this year. He will probably grow up and go other places like my girls do too! Houston, his wife Meredith and my favorite little cousin Mik were there. Mik was cranky but I still took pictures of him. He is such a beautiful child! Houston's step mom and little sister were there too. Lilly sure has grown up! Uncle David was there playing on his computer in the corner. My cousin Steph rounded out our group. Only 13 this year. The number sure has shrunk!
Friday Rob and Carrie and Cohen came to visit. LOVED having them. We cooked the whole turkey spread again. Mattie, BT and Carrie helped cook. It was good. There was so much I wanted to do but just not physically able to yet. I look forward to getting back to 100% so I can really cook! Maybe by Christmas?
I know it should go without saying but I love my Grandson so much. He is....perfect. I wouldn't change a thing about him. I tried to not over do anything, but it was next to impossible to put him down once I was holding him. I am very tired. It was worth every bit.
Of course I took lots more photos. I am not pleased with the lighting in my kitchen/dining room. The bulbs we have make things look yellow. That will be fixed by Christmas. We hang out in the kitchen more than the living room! It did get me to do some creative photo editing.
I wish I could explain how I feel when I hold him.
Then his mommy and daddy went home and took him with them. I tried to talk him into tricking them. I was going to put a couple bags of flour in his car seat and cover them up with a blanket. But since I can't carry his car seat right now I had to scrap that plan. I will see him around Christmas. Not sure I can wait that long.
I have loved all of the Turkey, potatoes and the GRAVY. I had it for breakfast this morning. I had it for dinner tonight. The turkey was so juicy this year and the gravy was so creamy! Yesterday I made a huge pot of turkey mushroom soup. That is what I had for lunch. But I sent the last little bit of that with Carrie and Rob. Rob had a cold turkey sandwich for lunch. There is still more turkey in the fridge. Maybe Turkey pot pie or Turkey and rice in mushroom gravy?
The only dessert left is one piece of pecan pie. All of the Mandarin Orange cake, the Cherry pie, the pumpkin roll are gone. I guess I should have made the Cheese cake. Oh and I licked the last of the Whiskey Maple Cream Sauce from the bowl today so it is gone too! That stuff is deadly good!!
My house is too quiet. I am so very very tired.
No work for me in the morning. I have to stay home so the heat and air man can fix our heater. It was acting up all weekend. The replacement part will be here in the morning. Once that is fixed I will go to work in the afternoon.
One more thing made for a nice weekend. I am a finalist in the City of Owasso's photo contest. I was way too pleased that one of my pictures was picked. There are 14 photos that the City picked. They have printed large copies of them and will move them around to several locations in the City for people to vote on. I hope to, at least, win a copy of my photo printed and framed. That would be cool. This is the pic.
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
I did remember
Monday, Tuesday, FRIDAY! How can a person not love a 3 day work week? So up at 4:30, shower, eat oatmeal,comb out drippy hair and put gel in it, hope that it dries in perfect curls, laugh at self in the mirror for early morning delusions, try to slap makeup on a sweaty face, get dressed, walk out the door at 5:40. Walk in to work 15 min. til 6:00, log on computer, turn on radio, unlock money bag, open all the programs needed to answer the public's questions and meet all of their needs, run the report lists, pick up coffee cup and head for squad room. Most mornings the Capt is sitting at the table and coffee is made. Not today so I started a pot of coffee and chatted with Ms Nancy while she tried to finish her report before going on days off. Log all reports that have not been approved, log reports sent to CID, log reports coming straight to Records. Now coffee, love the 1st cup the most. It always taste the best. It hasn't tasted as good since I got braces on but still not bad. (I wonder if it will go back to tasting wonderful after all the metal in my mouth is gone?) Talk with shift going off duty, make faces at on coming shift's smart @$$ remarks about my neck collar, return insults, drink more coffee, check mail box and pick up the ton of warnings Officers have done in last 24 hrs, take everything back to my office with a full cup of coffee. Now it is time to run the daily log for the media. For some reason people want to know what is going on. So the last 24 hrs is printed off(Or the last 3 days if it is Monday), reviewed for any info that can not be released, all BIG secret CAN'T tell anybody stuff is blacked out, scan copy of report and store, print pdf of report, email report to 4 different people that are just as nosy as me. Mark tally marks on calender (gotta keep track of how much stuff is sent out, Stats, always stats!), Review emails delete 99% because it is junk or does not pertain to me or my job, pick masterfiles from dispatch, check to see how many prisoners are still locked up, add reports picked up from squad room to the pile waiting to be checked in, Greet co-worker walking in the door right at 8:00, (being early is not his style) If it is Monday run last weeks arrest log, review to make sure no juvies are on the adult log, review charges make sure all is releasable, verify everyone on the lists really was arrested, give list to co-worker to be double checked, once double checked arrest report is printed to pdf file and emailed to 4 other people that are also nosy, well 3 are nosy and the other one is a boss that wants to make sure the nosy employee is really being nosy enough and doing the job right, mark down more tally marks (stats, remember? It is all about stats), phone is usually ringing or someone is at the window wanting a copy of a report or wants copies of the last 10 yrs of domestic reports that they have been involved in, look up info to try to give estimate of how many pages and how long it will take, while looking up check to see how many other times you or co-worker have released this same report to this same person, ask customer if they want all of the dozen reports where they had the crap beat out of them but decided to drop the charges, ask if they also want a copy of the prosecution waiver from all of those reports? (No? You don't need those? Are you sure?? The Judge might be interested that you never co-operate. Are you sure you don't want them?), give estimate and listen to the customer complain that they can not wait that long because they have to be in court in 10 min in Tulsa, explain again that there is no human way to make that many copies any faster, take a sip of the full cup of coffee that you put down an hour ago, grimace at it's icy coldness, print off reports, redact all Big secret CAN'T tell anybody stuff, make photo copy, have victim (customer) fill out request form, take payment if needed, make receipt, give over the stack of reports while the customer complains that they are late for court, wish them a nice day, wait until they walk out the door before you shake your head and wonder how many more times will they let someone beat the crap out of them?, shred original copies that were redacted, pick up coffee and take another drink of the cold brew and decide that it is just awful and head back for a fresh cup.
This is what most mornings are like at Owasso Police Departments Records Division. There is always different reports, different customers, and new paper work to sort through. But it follows this example most of the time. This was what my return to work was like this week. It took me a bit to remember what and where everything was. 3 and 1/2 weeks off and I was already forgetting things. I was only working 6:00-11:00 this week. Monday I had to come home and take a nap. Tuesday I wasn't able to sleep. Today I came home had lunch, went to the grocery store, then baked things to take to Gram's house for Turkey day. I also made a maple cream sauce. I've never tried it or made it before. I saw the recipe online and thought it sounded wonderful. It is wonderful. I tried a small spoonful when it was done cooking. OH MY! It is going to taste so good on the pecan pie. Once I cleaned up the mess I was worn out. No oomph left, none. I figure I should kick back on the couch a bit and listen to the radio. Shy always wants to come give me kisses when I lay down on the couch. So I spent a few min giggling at her and trying to dodge her kisses. She found a spot on my shirt where I dribbled some cream sauce. She liked it too. I had to cover my shirt up to get her to leave it alone. Out went the lights. I didn't hold still for 2 min and I was asleep. It felt good.
My Aunt called and asked if we were going to come to the Wed. night Ham Dinner at Gram's house. I had to turn her down. I just didn't have the energy to put the hard collar back on and drive to Tulsa (OK, I wouldn't drive myself. I would just sit in the passenger seat. Geesh!). I am sorry I missed it. It is always good. Just didn't have any oomphh left today. Pretty sure that it was a good thing that I only worked 3 days this week. I am sore and tired. Not sleepy just tired. It was good to get out of the house. And 4:30 doesn't feel much different than 5:00. It sounds worse but I didn't notice any difference. I bet I do when I have to do it 4 days next week.
I didn't miss all the afternoon work at all this week. I wonder if I will remember how to do it when I finally go back on full days?
This is what most mornings are like at Owasso Police Departments Records Division. There is always different reports, different customers, and new paper work to sort through. But it follows this example most of the time. This was what my return to work was like this week. It took me a bit to remember what and where everything was. 3 and 1/2 weeks off and I was already forgetting things. I was only working 6:00-11:00 this week. Monday I had to come home and take a nap. Tuesday I wasn't able to sleep. Today I came home had lunch, went to the grocery store, then baked things to take to Gram's house for Turkey day. I also made a maple cream sauce. I've never tried it or made it before. I saw the recipe online and thought it sounded wonderful. It is wonderful. I tried a small spoonful when it was done cooking. OH MY! It is going to taste so good on the pecan pie. Once I cleaned up the mess I was worn out. No oomph left, none. I figure I should kick back on the couch a bit and listen to the radio. Shy always wants to come give me kisses when I lay down on the couch. So I spent a few min giggling at her and trying to dodge her kisses. She found a spot on my shirt where I dribbled some cream sauce. She liked it too. I had to cover my shirt up to get her to leave it alone. Out went the lights. I didn't hold still for 2 min and I was asleep. It felt good.
My Aunt called and asked if we were going to come to the Wed. night Ham Dinner at Gram's house. I had to turn her down. I just didn't have the energy to put the hard collar back on and drive to Tulsa (OK, I wouldn't drive myself. I would just sit in the passenger seat. Geesh!). I am sorry I missed it. It is always good. Just didn't have any oomphh left today. Pretty sure that it was a good thing that I only worked 3 days this week. I am sore and tired. Not sleepy just tired. It was good to get out of the house. And 4:30 doesn't feel much different than 5:00. It sounds worse but I didn't notice any difference. I bet I do when I have to do it 4 days next week.
I didn't miss all the afternoon work at all this week. I wonder if I will remember how to do it when I finally go back on full days?
Monday, November 22, 2010
Okay
I did just fine today. I did not over do it thank you. I did wade through over 200 emails. Why do people send out so much crap. Maybe others think my rambling is crap. Ooops. I was off for 3 1/2 weeks and I really had to stop and think about what I was doing. Use it or lose it fits me perfect it seems.
I did take a small nap when I got home. I need to work on getting to bed earlier. Like that will ever happen! Old habit I can not break. Funny how if I am off for more than 2 days I find myself staying up later and later. 4:30 did come early but I did ok with it. A2 shift was still on when I got to work. They didn't point and laugh too much. A1 shift ..... rotten brats! Of course I love all of them. That doesn't mean I don't want to smack them in the back of the head for some of the comments they came up with. I really do not like wearing the brace out in public. I would rather people not look. I didn't do so good at hiding today.
We went to Tulsa this afternoon to get a present. Since we were in town we stopped and visited Grams. She seemed to be doing ok. Usually she wants to play a game but we just sat and talked. When I gave her a hug good-bye she felt so small. I did not get to see my cutest little cousin. He lives next door to Grams. I was informed that he was sleeping. So I will just have to wait until Thursday to see him.
Sneezing has been an adventure today. If I could just sneeze little ones it would be ok. But NO... I gotta try to blow the top of my head off! WHAT is up with THAT? Sorry the stupid brace is getting on my nerves and I really am grumpy. I think I will shut up now.
G night
I did take a small nap when I got home. I need to work on getting to bed earlier. Like that will ever happen! Old habit I can not break. Funny how if I am off for more than 2 days I find myself staying up later and later. 4:30 did come early but I did ok with it. A2 shift was still on when I got to work. They didn't point and laugh too much. A1 shift ..... rotten brats! Of course I love all of them. That doesn't mean I don't want to smack them in the back of the head for some of the comments they came up with. I really do not like wearing the brace out in public. I would rather people not look. I didn't do so good at hiding today.
We went to Tulsa this afternoon to get a present. Since we were in town we stopped and visited Grams. She seemed to be doing ok. Usually she wants to play a game but we just sat and talked. When I gave her a hug good-bye she felt so small. I did not get to see my cutest little cousin. He lives next door to Grams. I was informed that he was sleeping. So I will just have to wait until Thursday to see him.
Sneezing has been an adventure today. If I could just sneeze little ones it would be ok. But NO... I gotta try to blow the top of my head off! WHAT is up with THAT? Sorry the stupid brace is getting on my nerves and I really am grumpy. I think I will shut up now.
G night
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Gravy
It is back to work for me in the morning. I am glad to get up and get busy again. I hate that I have to wear the brace(s) out in public. I wish I still had the back corner of my office that I could hide in. My desk does have my back to the public window. Maybe I can just act busy and not turn around? It will be a short week since it is Turkey Day so just Mon-Wed. Maybe I will get used to wearing "it" out in public?? I have my alarm set for 4:30, ugh. I am used to 5:00 but since I am not driving I will have to leave the house earlier. I think I can get up and get ready by 5:30 and still have some energy. I hope I can. I guess I will find out in the morning. At least Records will not be open to the public until 8:00. That will give me 2 hours to get used to being back. Hopefully?
Today started out ok but I got to feeling bad this afternoon. I don't think I over did anything. All I did was take a shower. So I took it very easy the rest of the day. Translation - I sat on my back side all day. I think I need to start planning a big production of burning or burying my neck braces for when I no longer need them. I have a particular dislike for the hard one. It would be a pleasure to watch it burn. The soft one isn't as bad but it rubs against my neck. Oh, and my chin/jaw is sore from sitting on top of the braces. I know, I am wimpy.
I think I am ready for Turkey Day. I am making a cake and a pie to take to Gram's house. I hope I can be of some help to Aunt Mary that day. Grams can't do it any more. She can't remember how to make a pie. It is so hard to watch her loose all of her skills. She has always been a wonderful baker. I got my love of baking from her. I am not making my own pie crust. I am not supposed to be over doing it. It drives me nuts that I am so weak. I can stir things fine but there is a strange pulling ache if I lift much of anything. I do not want to over do it! I do not want to start over with all of this!
I can't wait to see the family. I wish my girls were going to be there. I wish Danny and his family were going to be here. I guess I need to start making plans to go visit Danny. Kita wants to go with me and drive to PA. I don't know how soon I will be up to that long of a road trip. I want to go East and see Danny. I want to meet his youngest and see the other two kids. The last time I saw them the middle girl was just a baby. Then I want to go West and see Eloi and her family. That would be my 1st time to see the Ocean. She also just happens to live by this dreamy forest that I want to visit.
We are having company at our house Friday and I am going to try to make a Turkey and the fixings. I am going to need bunches of help. I am really looking forward to potatoes and gravy. I have been craving gravy for weeks now. There isn't a restaurant around here that makes decent potatoes and gravy. Maybe 2 days of it will help get rid of this craving? If not the leftovers should do the trick.
Today started out ok but I got to feeling bad this afternoon. I don't think I over did anything. All I did was take a shower. So I took it very easy the rest of the day. Translation - I sat on my back side all day. I think I need to start planning a big production of burning or burying my neck braces for when I no longer need them. I have a particular dislike for the hard one. It would be a pleasure to watch it burn. The soft one isn't as bad but it rubs against my neck. Oh, and my chin/jaw is sore from sitting on top of the braces. I know, I am wimpy.
I think I am ready for Turkey Day. I am making a cake and a pie to take to Gram's house. I hope I can be of some help to Aunt Mary that day. Grams can't do it any more. She can't remember how to make a pie. It is so hard to watch her loose all of her skills. She has always been a wonderful baker. I got my love of baking from her. I am not making my own pie crust. I am not supposed to be over doing it. It drives me nuts that I am so weak. I can stir things fine but there is a strange pulling ache if I lift much of anything. I do not want to over do it! I do not want to start over with all of this!
I can't wait to see the family. I wish my girls were going to be there. I wish Danny and his family were going to be here. I guess I need to start making plans to go visit Danny. Kita wants to go with me and drive to PA. I don't know how soon I will be up to that long of a road trip. I want to go East and see Danny. I want to meet his youngest and see the other two kids. The last time I saw them the middle girl was just a baby. Then I want to go West and see Eloi and her family. That would be my 1st time to see the Ocean. She also just happens to live by this dreamy forest that I want to visit.
We are having company at our house Friday and I am going to try to make a Turkey and the fixings. I am going to need bunches of help. I am really looking forward to potatoes and gravy. I have been craving gravy for weeks now. There isn't a restaurant around here that makes decent potatoes and gravy. Maybe 2 days of it will help get rid of this craving? If not the leftovers should do the trick.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Turtle
I was going to go for a walk but my cell phone is dead. Change of plans because I can’t leave the house with out it. What if I took a spill. (Ya know, me and my collar floppin around on the ground.) If my phone is dead I would not be able to call anyone and say, "Help I’ve fallen and I can’t get up".
There is a ton of things I could do. But that would mean I was over doing things. So I can't do them after all.
There is only so much com-pute-ing a person can do in a day. I do believe I am bored.
Maybe my phone will charge quickly?
There is a ton of things I could do. But that would mean I was over doing things. So I can't do them after all.
There is only so much com-pute-ing a person can do in a day. I do believe I am bored.
Maybe my phone will charge quickly?
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Want
Weird, weird, weird.
I had to stop and catch my breath tonight. One of the weird moments that only FB seems to deliver. My nephew, that I have only met twice, posted a picture of himself when he was little. He was a cute little guy. And all of the sudden it hit me. I missed his childhood. He is all but grown now. And I lost the chance to know him as a child. Not just him but his sister and brother too. I am not sure how I let this happen. I had no control over the ugliness that was my childhood. But I was an adult when I met him for the 1st time. Why did I not keep in touch? I have fought my memories from that side of my family for so long. As an adult I was still afraid.
Still afraid that I would be judged. Still afraid that the hurt was clinging to my half brother and his family? We don't talk about the ugliness. We drop hints of how awful. We skip around the truth of what we lived. All I know is my own pain. Now, as an adult, I know that my father shared it with the other kids. I was only there for a few months at a time. They grew up there. I knew back then that he was hurting my step sister. I don't know if anyone else ever believed her. I don't know if she knows I believe her. We have never spoken again. I ran as fast as I could from that house and tried to forget. Stranger still. No not strange, stupid. Stupid me, as an adult I went back. Why? What was I looking for. I had to know there wasn't any love there. My brother has said that he also thought it was hell. I have not asked him more. I don't know if he wants me to know more. I only spent a few months 2 different times living with my dad but the rest of my life trying to forget it.
Not sure why my head went there. One picture posted on FB and zing. I have had many moments like that on FB. It wouldn't bother me if I hadn't spend my adult life trying to forget my childhood. The 1st few connections that I made on FB,, to my childhood, floored me. They knew me back then. They didn't know what I hid. So they didn't really know me. I do believe that has always been my pattern. Hide the pain, run from it, don't tell anyone and always, always try to forget it. Don't let anyone get close. Where is my self confidence?
I am too old to run from things anymore. Now I am stuck facing all of those choices I made. I struggle with the fact that I can not go back and change things. I can't make things different. As much as I want to it is not possible.
So now I am sitting here laughing at myself. Stupid old woman crying over things that happened long ago. Why do I let it bother me? I have faced so many of those demons and I like to think they no longer have any power to hurt me. I am sure the abuse has no power over me anymore. It is when I come across small things, like the picture of my nephew, that I can still feel the hurt. This is because I now recognize what I lost.
Now if I can find a way to wrap my brain around a few more truths. Wanting what you can't have is destructive. Doesn't mean I have quit wanting it. I can't figure out how to lay it down either. So I carry it with me. Now how can I take that want and turn it into motivation?
Of all things.
I hope.
Sorry this one is
horrid.
I had to stop and catch my breath tonight. One of the weird moments that only FB seems to deliver. My nephew, that I have only met twice, posted a picture of himself when he was little. He was a cute little guy. And all of the sudden it hit me. I missed his childhood. He is all but grown now. And I lost the chance to know him as a child. Not just him but his sister and brother too. I am not sure how I let this happen. I had no control over the ugliness that was my childhood. But I was an adult when I met him for the 1st time. Why did I not keep in touch? I have fought my memories from that side of my family for so long. As an adult I was still afraid.
Still afraid that I would be judged. Still afraid that the hurt was clinging to my half brother and his family? We don't talk about the ugliness. We drop hints of how awful. We skip around the truth of what we lived. All I know is my own pain. Now, as an adult, I know that my father shared it with the other kids. I was only there for a few months at a time. They grew up there. I knew back then that he was hurting my step sister. I don't know if anyone else ever believed her. I don't know if she knows I believe her. We have never spoken again. I ran as fast as I could from that house and tried to forget. Stranger still. No not strange, stupid. Stupid me, as an adult I went back. Why? What was I looking for. I had to know there wasn't any love there. My brother has said that he also thought it was hell. I have not asked him more. I don't know if he wants me to know more. I only spent a few months 2 different times living with my dad but the rest of my life trying to forget it.
Not sure why my head went there. One picture posted on FB and zing. I have had many moments like that on FB. It wouldn't bother me if I hadn't spend my adult life trying to forget my childhood. The 1st few connections that I made on FB,, to my childhood, floored me. They knew me back then. They didn't know what I hid. So they didn't really know me. I do believe that has always been my pattern. Hide the pain, run from it, don't tell anyone and always, always try to forget it. Don't let anyone get close. Where is my self confidence?
I am too old to run from things anymore. Now I am stuck facing all of those choices I made. I struggle with the fact that I can not go back and change things. I can't make things different. As much as I want to it is not possible.
So now I am sitting here laughing at myself. Stupid old woman crying over things that happened long ago. Why do I let it bother me? I have faced so many of those demons and I like to think they no longer have any power to hurt me. I am sure the abuse has no power over me anymore. It is when I come across small things, like the picture of my nephew, that I can still feel the hurt. This is because I now recognize what I lost.
Now if I can find a way to wrap my brain around a few more truths. Wanting what you can't have is destructive. Doesn't mean I have quit wanting it. I can't figure out how to lay it down either. So I carry it with me. Now how can I take that want and turn it into motivation?
Of all things.
I hope.
Sorry this one is
horrid.
News
I had my return trip to the doc this morning. Good news I am healing fine. Bad news I have to wear the neck brace(s) for another 3 weeks. I am really sick of them both. The "hard" brace is the devil.
I get to return to work next Monday. I am limited to 1/2 days until my return visit in Dec. Still not allowed to lift much, but I can start doing more things. I am not allowed to drive yet, but I can go on short trips around town.
So I am kinda still mostly on the gimp list. I can do almost everything for myself again. I am so very very uncomfortable having others do things for me. Well other than cooking. I really like when others cook. I get tired of eating my cooking. I don't mind when others do the driving either. I prefer sitting on the passenger side and eyeballing everything around me. I think that is it. Everything else I want to do myself. I wondered if I would be able to have someone else clean my house? When I was younger the answer would be a big fat no. Now...... maybe some of it. I will have to think on this some more.
I think I am going to go take a nap now. I had trouble going to sleep last night and got up early this morning. My first trip out in a vehicle kinda made me sore too.
Best news is doc said I could hold Cohen when he comes visit next week. I can't bend over and pick him up but I CAN hold him if someone else hands him to me. This is the best news. God I love babies!!
I get to return to work next Monday. I am limited to 1/2 days until my return visit in Dec. Still not allowed to lift much, but I can start doing more things. I am not allowed to drive yet, but I can go on short trips around town.
So I am kinda still mostly on the gimp list. I can do almost everything for myself again. I am so very very uncomfortable having others do things for me. Well other than cooking. I really like when others cook. I get tired of eating my cooking. I don't mind when others do the driving either. I prefer sitting on the passenger side and eyeballing everything around me. I think that is it. Everything else I want to do myself. I wondered if I would be able to have someone else clean my house? When I was younger the answer would be a big fat no. Now...... maybe some of it. I will have to think on this some more.
I think I am going to go take a nap now. I had trouble going to sleep last night and got up early this morning. My first trip out in a vehicle kinda made me sore too.
Best news is doc said I could hold Cohen when he comes visit next week. I can't bend over and pick him up but I CAN hold him if someone else hands him to me. This is the best news. God I love babies!!
Monday, November 15, 2010
Open minded? Right
I am feeling so much better. Not anywhere near 100 percent yet, but much better. Now my challenge is to not over do anything.
Since I haven't been able to leave the house I have not seen my Grams in 3 weeks. She has no ability to keep track of time now so when I called her today she had no idea how long it has been since I have been to visit her. She is also hard of hearing and if she answers the "wrong" phone at her house she can't hear a thing you say to her. I think she answered the "wrong" phone when I called her today. So I found myself YELLING into the phone the same 2 sentences. I thought that she finally understood me until she asked if the doctor had done the "thing" to me yet. I ended the call telling her that I go back to the doctor in the morning. She did hear that. I know she did because she repeated it back to me. That doesn't mean she will remember what I said. I think I might need to stop and see her after my appointment if there is time. I think the neighbors might of heard me trying to talk to her.
Getting old is often not nice. It can be hard on the person and their family.
Speaking of. I have high hopes that this surgery will fix my pain and that I can get back to moving around again. I know it has fixed some of it, but I can't use my arms to lift any weight yet to see if that has been cured. I hope I am not too old. If it is fixed then that means I no longer have that as an excuse. I will have nothing to blame but myself for not getting up off my back side and staying motivated.
The pressure will really be on. Trying to get back into shape during cold weather is not easy for me. I do not like the cold. The holidays will add some temptations too.
The holidays! I love Turkey day. Good food, family, desserts, left overs. This year Turkey day is my sister's B-day too. I know what I want to get her but I don't know if I will be released to do any shopping in time. Keeping my fingers crossed that I will be able to do at least that one trip.
My Grandson and his mom and dad are coming to visit the day after Thanksgiving. They are staying all weekend. Pure bliss to know I will have 2 days of all their company. He weighs more than 11 lbs now. That means I can't hold him, but I can put him in my lap.
I have been listening to lots of youtube music trying to keep from getting bored in the evenings. I couldn't sleep one night and stayed up listening to all kinds of music. I had no clue that Everlast did 2 songs with Santana. I knew he did one because of them winning an award for it. But I really like the 2nd one too. It is not what I usually listen to. Too much like rap. I do like the singers deep voice and the story of the song is good. It got me listening to some of his other music and I found a few that I liked ok. I am shocked to like something by a rap artist. Of course the stuff that I could stand didn't have much rap style to it either. I have ended up with all kinds of Music written down that I want to buy. It's amazing what keeping an open mind can lead too. Me and any type of rap music? So I guess that means my hard head can open at least a little. I am going to confess another artist that is kinda like rap that I will listen too, Linkin Park. Real rap listeners would say that they don't rap. But I am not a real rapper, at all, now or ever, period. So anyhows.... I have loved the song Crawling from the very 1st time I heard it. There is so much of me in that song. I like to say I am over my childhood abuse but it still likes to peek out at weird times. Music seems to be one of those times. I also found a new favorite. I like to have lots of favorite songs. That way I never get tired of any of them. My new favorite, All American Nightmare by Hinder. LOVE IT! I can't wait until I am healed enough to really enjoy that song. It is not easy for me to hold still while listening to a good rock song. I usually listen to that kind of music by myself. Nobody else in the house likes it so...... I like to turn it up and dance around like a fool. Unfortunately, for now, I sit at the computer with my neck brace and headphones on and turn it up. All the way up. All I can get away with for now is to make it as loud as I can. I know, I am a dork. Today is not one of the days I mind being a dork. : )
So I think I have been yapping long enough for this blog. If you haven't heard the Hinder song OR if you haven't seen the video look it up. Very sexy video. Great rock sound.
One more thing. I would like to thank my daughters for keeping my love of music "up to date". I miss them being at home so that I hear the newest, latest, greatest. I started falling behind again the day my baby moved out. That could get me started again.
Since I haven't been able to leave the house I have not seen my Grams in 3 weeks. She has no ability to keep track of time now so when I called her today she had no idea how long it has been since I have been to visit her. She is also hard of hearing and if she answers the "wrong" phone at her house she can't hear a thing you say to her. I think she answered the "wrong" phone when I called her today. So I found myself YELLING into the phone the same 2 sentences. I thought that she finally understood me until she asked if the doctor had done the "thing" to me yet. I ended the call telling her that I go back to the doctor in the morning. She did hear that. I know she did because she repeated it back to me. That doesn't mean she will remember what I said. I think I might need to stop and see her after my appointment if there is time. I think the neighbors might of heard me trying to talk to her.
Getting old is often not nice. It can be hard on the person and their family.
Speaking of. I have high hopes that this surgery will fix my pain and that I can get back to moving around again. I know it has fixed some of it, but I can't use my arms to lift any weight yet to see if that has been cured. I hope I am not too old. If it is fixed then that means I no longer have that as an excuse. I will have nothing to blame but myself for not getting up off my back side and staying motivated.
The pressure will really be on. Trying to get back into shape during cold weather is not easy for me. I do not like the cold. The holidays will add some temptations too.
The holidays! I love Turkey day. Good food, family, desserts, left overs. This year Turkey day is my sister's B-day too. I know what I want to get her but I don't know if I will be released to do any shopping in time. Keeping my fingers crossed that I will be able to do at least that one trip.
My Grandson and his mom and dad are coming to visit the day after Thanksgiving. They are staying all weekend. Pure bliss to know I will have 2 days of all their company. He weighs more than 11 lbs now. That means I can't hold him, but I can put him in my lap.
I have been listening to lots of youtube music trying to keep from getting bored in the evenings. I couldn't sleep one night and stayed up listening to all kinds of music. I had no clue that Everlast did 2 songs with Santana. I knew he did one because of them winning an award for it. But I really like the 2nd one too. It is not what I usually listen to. Too much like rap. I do like the singers deep voice and the story of the song is good. It got me listening to some of his other music and I found a few that I liked ok. I am shocked to like something by a rap artist. Of course the stuff that I could stand didn't have much rap style to it either. I have ended up with all kinds of Music written down that I want to buy. It's amazing what keeping an open mind can lead too. Me and any type of rap music? So I guess that means my hard head can open at least a little. I am going to confess another artist that is kinda like rap that I will listen too, Linkin Park. Real rap listeners would say that they don't rap. But I am not a real rapper, at all, now or ever, period. So anyhows.... I have loved the song Crawling from the very 1st time I heard it. There is so much of me in that song. I like to say I am over my childhood abuse but it still likes to peek out at weird times. Music seems to be one of those times. I also found a new favorite. I like to have lots of favorite songs. That way I never get tired of any of them. My new favorite, All American Nightmare by Hinder. LOVE IT! I can't wait until I am healed enough to really enjoy that song. It is not easy for me to hold still while listening to a good rock song. I usually listen to that kind of music by myself. Nobody else in the house likes it so...... I like to turn it up and dance around like a fool. Unfortunately, for now, I sit at the computer with my neck brace and headphones on and turn it up. All the way up. All I can get away with for now is to make it as loud as I can. I know, I am a dork. Today is not one of the days I mind being a dork. : )
So I think I have been yapping long enough for this blog. If you haven't heard the Hinder song OR if you haven't seen the video look it up. Very sexy video. Great rock sound.
One more thing. I would like to thank my daughters for keeping my love of music "up to date". I miss them being at home so that I hear the newest, latest, greatest. I started falling behind again the day my baby moved out. That could get me started again.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Bored
Bored.
I am not made to sit around and do nothing. It drives me nuts and I start to get grumpy. It took 12 days for me to give up. Today I am doing stuff. I am taking it easy but I am NOT going to sit on my butt one more day. I can not lift much so that limits me. I did get some dusting done. The heavy things stayed where they were and I dusted around them. Half @$$ way of doing it but I feel better.
Sad huh?
The bruises are fading thank goodness. I hate the shade of green that they are. UGLY UGLY UGLY
Speaking of ugly, my GOD my hair needs help. I can wash it so at least it is clean but Good Lord Almighty it is frightening. It is all I can do to run a brush through it. I try to put it in a ponytail but it is a poor excuse of one. I can not lift my arms up and behind me to do anything for long at all. Of course I am not supposed to do that at all but I have to do something to keep it out of the way. Velcro just doesn't want to work with a wad of tangled hair in between it and that is the fastener for both neck braces.
I took the last of the tape off today. It looks like about a 2" cut. He said he put it in one of my wrinkles. Kinda nice to know that a wrinkle has been put to good use. I can hope that once it heals and fades it won't be to noticeable. Stupid Vanity
I put away the pills. I don't want to take anymore of them. I do not like how they make me feel. Plus the dreams were getting pretty weird!
Enough of all of that. BLAH!
Today is Veterans Day.
God Bless All of our Troops. So many have fought. So many still fight. It is a humbling thing to realize that people have died for our freedom. How many families morn for the 1st time on this day? Dear Lord please keep them close to your heart this day.
To all my friends and family that served and were able to come home, Thank You! I thank God for each of you.
To my friends that are still serving, Thank You. May God keep all of you safe.
I am not made to sit around and do nothing. It drives me nuts and I start to get grumpy. It took 12 days for me to give up. Today I am doing stuff. I am taking it easy but I am NOT going to sit on my butt one more day. I can not lift much so that limits me. I did get some dusting done. The heavy things stayed where they were and I dusted around them. Half @$$ way of doing it but I feel better.
Sad huh?
The bruises are fading thank goodness. I hate the shade of green that they are. UGLY UGLY UGLY
Speaking of ugly, my GOD my hair needs help. I can wash it so at least it is clean but Good Lord Almighty it is frightening. It is all I can do to run a brush through it. I try to put it in a ponytail but it is a poor excuse of one. I can not lift my arms up and behind me to do anything for long at all. Of course I am not supposed to do that at all but I have to do something to keep it out of the way. Velcro just doesn't want to work with a wad of tangled hair in between it and that is the fastener for both neck braces.
I took the last of the tape off today. It looks like about a 2" cut. He said he put it in one of my wrinkles. Kinda nice to know that a wrinkle has been put to good use. I can hope that once it heals and fades it won't be to noticeable. Stupid Vanity
I put away the pills. I don't want to take anymore of them. I do not like how they make me feel. Plus the dreams were getting pretty weird!
Enough of all of that. BLAH!
Today is Veterans Day.
God Bless All of our Troops. So many have fought. So many still fight. It is a humbling thing to realize that people have died for our freedom. How many families morn for the 1st time on this day? Dear Lord please keep them close to your heart this day.
To all my friends and family that served and were able to come home, Thank You! I thank God for each of you.
To my friends that are still serving, Thank You. May God keep all of you safe.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)