Want

Weird, weird, weird. 
I had to stop and catch my breath tonight.  One of the weird moments that only FB seems to deliver.  My nephew, that I have only met twice, posted a picture of himself when he was little.  He was a cute little guy.  And all of the sudden it hit me.  I missed his childhood.  He is all but grown now.  And I lost the chance to know him as a child.  Not just him but his sister and brother too.  I am not sure how I let this happen.  I had no control over the ugliness that was my childhood.  But I was an adult when I met him for the 1st time.  Why did I not keep in touch?  I have fought my memories from that side of my family for so long.  As an adult I was still afraid. 
Still afraid that I would be judged.  Still afraid that the hurt was clinging to my half brother and his family?  We don't talk about the ugliness.  We drop hints of how awful.  We skip around the truth of what we lived.    All I know is my own pain.  Now, as an adult, I know that my father shared it with the other kids.  I was only there for a few months at a time.  They grew up there.  I knew back then that he was hurting my step sister.  I don't know if anyone else ever believed her.  I don't know if she knows I believe her.  We have never spoken again.  I ran as fast as I could from that house and tried to forget.  Stranger still.  No not strange, stupid.  Stupid me, as an adult I went back.  Why?  What was I looking for.  I had to know there wasn't any love there.  My brother has said that he also thought it was hell.  I have not asked him more.  I don't know if he wants me to know more.  I only spent a few months 2 different times living with my dad but the rest of my life trying to forget it. 
Not sure why my head went there.  One picture posted on FB and zing.  I have had many moments like that on FB.  It wouldn't bother me if I hadn't spend my adult life trying to forget my childhood.  The 1st few connections that I made on FB,, to my childhood, floored me.  They knew me back then.  They didn't know what I hid.  So they didn't really know me.  I do believe that has always been my pattern.  Hide the pain, run from it, don't tell anyone and always, always try to forget it.  Don't let anyone get close.  Where is my self confidence?
I am too old to run from things anymore.  Now I am stuck facing all of those choices I made.  I struggle with the fact that I can not go back and change things.  I can't make things different.  As much as I want to it is not possible. 
So now I am sitting here laughing at myself.  Stupid old woman crying over things that happened long ago.  Why do I let it bother me?  I have faced so many of those demons and I like to think they no longer have any power to hurt me.  I am sure the abuse has no power over me anymore.  It is when I come across small things, like the picture of my nephew, that I can still feel the hurt.  This is because I now recognize what I lost.

Now if I can find a way to wrap my brain around a few more truths.  Wanting what you can't have is destructive.  Doesn't mean I have quit wanting it.  I can't figure out how to lay it down either.  So I carry it with me.  Now how can I take that want and turn it into motivation? 
Of all things. 
I hope.

Sorry this one is


horrid.