At one time

Back when I was a kid I wanted to be a singer.  I sang or whistled everywhere I went.  I went to Owen Elementary School in Tulsa.  We had music class and the teacher was a very nice lady.  She would play the piano and we would all sing songs like El Gato. 


On a high red roof Don Gato sat.
He was there to read a letter,
(meow, meow, meow)
where the reading light was better,
(meow, meow, meow)
'Twas a love-note for Don Gato!

I loved her class.  El Gato was my favorite song!  I am surprised that I remember the name of it after all this time. 
We also had Speech class.  That teacher wasn't as nice as the music teacher.  She had a small stage in her class room and would have us stand up there and read out loud.  We also practiced the school plays on that small stage.  The Music teacher and the Speech teacher did all of the school plays together.  I was always just part of the choir.  I was ok with that, I liked to sing. 
Except for one year.  They put me up on stage with a microphone and had me sing a solo. 

 

Here is my school picture from that year. 

It was a Christmas play. 

Can you guess what song they had me sing? 

All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth. 

I wish there was video of that.  I would get the biggest laugh to see myself sing on stage.  I don't remember being afraid at all.  I was having way too much fun to be afraid.  I remember I messed part of the afternoon performance up.  I don't remember what I did wrong but I wasn't worried about it.  I was full of a child's unconscious joy at getting to do something that I loved. 

Yes I used to have reddish hair.  It runs in the family.  The picture says I was in 2nd grade.  It looks like I am dressed in winter clothes so I would have had my birthday already.  That would make me 7rys old.  It also looks like a dress that I am wearing.  That would mean my mom won the war that morning.  She would put me in a dress and I would take it off and put on pants.  She would get so mad at me  We lived 1 block up the street from the school and if I could sneak out the door before she caught me I didn't have to change. 

This time frame would the last time my mom did good enough to take care of us.  I didn't look as healthy in my school picture from the next year. 

I still enjoy singing.  I don't sing in public any more.  I am not any good at it. 

Fragile

Some days are just plain ugly at work.  My co-workers already know this fact.  It is always harder when you can relate to an ugly situation personally. 

Be good to your friends and family.  Make sure you tell them how you feel. 

Forgive each other's weaknesses.  Be willing to understand not everyone has the same capabilities.  What you see as falling short may be the very best that they can give. 

Just because you don't see the sadness doesn't mean it is not there.  Some hide it so well.

Enjoy what you can.  Try to live with grace on what you can not change.
 
Life is so fragile.

Embarrassing Moments #2

For # 2 I believe I will jump forward more than a decade. This one occurred when I worked for Tulsa Public Schools. So I was in my early 30's.....


Crap!

That was also way....way.....back and a long, long time ago. Back when I only admitted to being 29. For several years. In fact I claimed to only be 29 for so many years my kids quit believing me.

If you are from my old A2 shift you have heard this one. Sorry to repeat a funny.

Again, I will try to set the stage. As a Tulsa Public School employee I only had a 30 min lunch. Most of that time was also spent in the lunch room, on cafeteria duty. At that time I still smoked and after 15 min of my 30 min lunch I finally had a chance to sneak out to the parking lot and smoke a cigarette.
I was so poor back then. (Yes I was poorer because I wasted my money on smokes.  Some times it takes me a while to learn lessons.  Please do not point out more that I need to learn.  My ego is taking a beating from telling this story already!)  Like living from pay check to pay check poor and God forbid anything extra come up or it would put me in debt for months! So my car was not fancy. In fact is was reallyyyyy ugly. It was a banana cream yellow 70's model Impala. It ran great. Had a strong motor in it that would plant you back into the seat. But is was sooooo uglyyyyy. Every day at this time I was really ready for a cigarette! I was jogging across the parking lot making a bee line for that banana boat that held the prize for what I was craving. There was a very large box truck parked next to me. If you live in the Tulsa area you have probably seen one of them. It is a large white box truck with the Tulsa Public School symbol on the side of it. I saw them there all the time. It was usually some maintenance man there working on something in our old building. I didn’t pay it any attention.

I should have.

I have never been a girly girl. Always been a tomboy. But there are just some things that I don’t think girls should do in front of others. Ya just don’t.  (I have never been able to teach my youngest child this lesson.  I tried to but she just wouldn't learn.  I wonder where she got that trait from?)

Ok. Stage is set.

So as I was jogging across the parking lot towards the banana cream yacht , I realized that I had to “ do one of those things that girls do not do in front of others”. I had to fart. Now not just as a girl, but as a Elementary School employee you are never allowed to fart in front of the kids. You would lose all control and respect from every young boy that heard it. So I had probably been holding this one in for a while. I must have been because it was not small. Just about the time I got to the back of my car I let “it” loose. It was loud. It was long. It was not a girly fart. My kindergarten boys would have been proud if it had been theirs. “It” was still going as I pulled my keys out. “It” was still going as I tried to unlock my door.

That is when I heard the snicker.

Remember the box truck parked next to my car? The large white box truck?

I should have looked to see if there was anyone in that truck before I let “it” go. There was actually 2 somebodies in the truck. I was horrified. I turned around and the 1st thing that came out of my mouth was “ You did not hear that. I do not even do that in front of my husband. Then I repeated you DID not hear that”. The driver says, with out missing a beat “ Lady I think the people on the next block heard that”. I turned 20 shades of red and RAN back inside. I forgot my cigarette. There was no possible way that I could have stayed out there. NONE! I shared my embarrassment with the cafeteria manager. She got a good laugh out of it too. More than once apparently because after I fled the maintenance men came in and told her about it. They were there to fix something for her.

It was around this time that I came to accept the fact that I was a dork. I had already been one all my life. I just hadn’t accepted it yet.

I just wish accepting it meant that I didn’t embarrass myself any more.

Of course it doesn’t work that way
 

Here is the fart lady's school employee picture. 

Embarrassing Moments #1

I thought I would completely drag my self esteem around on the ground and tell a few of my most embarrassing moments. I hope you will take a short break and laugh with or at me.


The 1st one that I will share is when I went to Green Country Christian Academy. Way.... way.... way back and long, long ago. Back when Nike or Converse were THE only shoes that were cool and they only came in a 2 styles. High tops or low tops. That was it. Or that was all I knew about so that is all that counts.

Let me set the “stage” for this story. GCCA was a small private school that I went to from 7th to 10th grade.  GO CRUSADERS!!  We had Chapel every morning before classes started. We met in the gym and all set on one side of the wooden bleachers. Us OLDER kids always got to set on the top row. That is where you hung out when you were cool. I am not sure why I thought I belonged there. But like most teenagers I knew everything so don’t be too hard on me. Anyway, there was always a few school messages, a short bible lesson, a few songs and of course we opened and closed with a prayer. It was during one of these prayers that my sad story takes place. It is sad because I was a rotten kid and was not paying attention, like I should have been, to our talk with God. Plus I lied about what really happened so I wouldn’t get in trouble. Don’t hate me. I have been honest about how rotten I was. I have changed most of my evil ways. And God still loves me, so there! One more thing and the stage will be set. I had a horrible head cold. That was not a good enough reason to miss school so there I was sitting on the cool top row during chapel prayer.

The stage has been set. Are you still with me?

I had a few boys sitting around me and we were goofing off instead of bowing our heads and praying. We did it often. Most of the time everybody was able to keep a straight face. Sometimes one of us, just one, would lose it and snicker or laugh. Of course we always got in trouble for this. We did not rat the others out. We just took our punishment and went on. On this occasion I blew it! I mean I really blew it. I don’t remember what I thought was so funny but I had my hand over my mouth trying sooooo hard to not laugh. Then it happened. I lost control with my hand over my mouth with a very clogged up nasty nose. Have you guessed it yet? I blew snot EVERYWHERE! Not clear snot, nasty, yellow, head cold snot. My soul still cringes when I think of it. Can you guess what everyone else did that was goofing around? They all roared! Some in disgust and some in laughter. We were all laughing. Well I was laughing and snorting snot. Now because I was sitting on the cool top row everyone, and I mean everyone else quit praying and turned around and looked at me. I can still feel ALL of those eyes on me.. The only person that did not have to turn around was the one leading the prayer. All he had to do was snap his head up and look. He made immediate eye contact with me and I just knew I was in trouble! Of course I jumped up and RAN down the bleachers. Past every other kid and teacher in the school with my hand over my nose trying to desperately contain all that nasty yellow snot. As I got closer to the teacher leading the prayer his eyes got huge. It was Mr. Higgins. I thought for a moment that he was going to laugh at me like everyone else was but he just lowered his head as I ran past. I could hear the roar of laughter all the way down the hall as I ran to the girls restroom. It was loud. I was still laughing because I knew if I quit I would start crying. I do not cry in front of others. I do not cry pretty.

After I cleaned myself up the best I could I had to go back. Back into the gym with all of those people that had laughed at me. There was not a way to sneak back in. I had to walk right down the side lines. (Hello.....gym floor, street shoes.....get it?) So I had to walk right in front of everybody. There were several kids that started giggling the moment they saw me walk back in.

The ONLY thing that I could have done that would have been funnier to the younger boys is fart really loud.

That would have been a whole lot easier to clean up than the snot!
Still thinking I belonged on the top, cool row I went right past everyone and took my original spot. Some of the guys would not look at me. Others couldn’t quit looking and laughing. Mr. Higgins was not impressed. He stopped and asked me if I had anything to say for myself.

He asked me in front of the whole school.

I lied.

I told him that I was trying to hold back a sneeze and accidently blew my nose. That got the whole place roaring again. Mr. Higgins did actually smile. It was just a little smile. Then he just shook it off and went on with Chapel.

That should have been my 1st clue that I was not cool. I should have known I did not belong on the top row. It took a few years but I did finally admit and accept that I was a dork. It’s ok. It is less painful that way. Most of the time.
 

Here is a photo from around that time frame.  If I had worn this shirt, on that day, the color would have matched my snot.  On 2nd thought the shirt might be a lighter shade of yellow.......

Monday

What a busy day!  I didn't go in to work until 8:00 since Truman was off.  I am used to getting lots done before I have to answer the phone or window.  It gives me a new appreciation for what my co-worker has had to put up with while I have been off.  I have had to do it before but for some reason I don't always remember all the little pestery things.  (Is pestery a word?  If not it needs to be!!)  I did not get a single master file scanned.  I did get them in a little bit of order while the daily log was scanning.  I did give out 29 reports and answered a beeee-jillion phone calls.  I was 10 min late getting out the door for lunch because a customer popped up in the window.  I was so glad that Rob, Carrie, Tyler and Cohen were still here in town.  I got to kiss Cohen again before they left!  I also got to hug everyone else too.  It was so hard going back to work. 
So now my house is quiet again. 
I am exhausted. 
Back to my sitting on the computer.  Blogging, FB-ing, listening to music, looking at/editing photos.  I did learn how to put musical notes on FB last week.  I love google.  Just about anything can be found on google.  So now if I like the words of a song I can just post that instead of the whole link.  Yet another way for me to pester my FB friends and family. 
I have added a few more songs to my favorite lists.  Shinedown is becoming a favorite of mine.  The more of their music I hear the more I like them.  I had heard of Buckcherry and the one song that gets all the air time on the radio is.... ok.  I had figured most of their music was the same.  Nope... very different than the one popular one... but not bad.  Gonna have to spend some more time listening to them to make up my mind.  I am just about out of room in the storage cabinet for new CDs.  Of course that means that it won't be long before CDs are no longer produced and the next, best, newer, cooler, thing will be all that is available.  I  hope my CD player doesn't go the way of the VCR player too soon.  I still haven't figured out what to do with my little kid movie collection that I have on VHSs. 
I listened to some country music this week.  I enjoyed it too!  I like the old country music but for some reason I never listen to it.  Maybe that is something I could add to my growing music list.  Yep, going to have too listen to some more for sure.
I am so glad Christmas is over.  I like spending the time with the family.  I don't always enjoy the stress of shopping, wrapping and decorating.  This year should have been easy for me.  I didn't decorate or wrap a thing.  (Little sister, the wrapping Queen, to the rescue!!!)  I feel like a wreck.  I am trying to be patient with this slow healing.  I fail too often.  (Look! I used the right to/two/too this time! or was it choose/chose that I messed up? Oh....never mind.)
Thinking of getting a new phone.  Should I get "caught up" and start texting?  My girls want me to.  Of course I could get a MP3 player and just buy songs instead of whole albums.....  Think of the storage I could have.  Gonna have to think on these things. 
Change. 
Should I.  Should I not. 
What do I want? 
Decisions, decisions.......
When I came home at lunch time.  Cohen was sleeping in his little chair.  I picked him up and cuddled with him for several minutes.  He finally woke up, opened up his eyes, looked up at me and smiled.  If I hadn't already given him my whole heart he would have won the rest of it right then.  I told his daddy that if he quit loving him next week and didn't want him anymore I would take him. 
His daddy told me to not hold my breath. 
Cheeky kid!

See!   He fits perfect! 

Unusal

Not the usual Christmas.  It all happened much later in the day.  Normally we have a Christmas lunch, recover for a few hours then go back for more.  But when Rob called and said that the baby was sick and they were going to try to find somewhere to take him.  I knew they wouldn't be able to get here by the afternoon.  We gave in and decided to eat with out them after 8:00 in the evening.  Then waited patiently for them to show up.  James and Shy spread out on the floor in front of the tv. 

Mattie and BT picked softer seats but choose the same entertainment.

I harassed everyone with the camera.  

I did notice that Kitna was on the side lines.  I figured he was also hurt, but someone said that he threw some interceptions so they pulled him.  I don't know if that is true or not.  I don't keep up with it well enough. 

 They did finally get here late last night.  We saved them left overs then opened gifts. 
I held Cohen until my arms hurt.  I think I heard him cry more last night than all the other times put together.  He is usually such a happy guy.  He still smiled and cooed at me for a little bit then fell asleep.
Everyone was up late.  Rob, Carrie and Cohen went to bed after one.  BT about the same time. Tyler crashed about 2 am.  I lasted about another 1/2 hour then crashed myself.  It turned out to be a long day.

 Sweet little guy has an upper respiratory infection.  His little nose is all clogged up. 

I slept in today.  I didn't get out of bed until 8:30.  I woke up before that when the carbon monoxide detector went off around 5-6am.  The device is plugged into the outlet right by the hallway.  Shy likes to lay there right next to it.  Sometimes she sets it off.  Not sure if it is her breath or if she farts and sets if off. She wasn't happy with the very loud noise that the thing makes and came back in our room and went back to sleep.
BT got up early, got sleepy and went back to bed.  Everyone else is still asleep.  I hear the baby making noises every now and then.  I haven't heard a peep out of Tyler.
I am so glad they made it here.



It's all good

Wonder of wonders.  I left the house last night!  I just went one town north.  I had fun. 
Today I did not wake up at 7:30 like I usually do.  I woke up at 5:00.  Thank God I was able to go back to sleep!  I had way too much stuff to do today to not get enough rest.  Speaking of rest.  I DID NOT have to take a nap today!  Finally!  This is the 1st time since taking off the neck brace.  Plus I did lots and lots today.  I think we have plenty of sweet stuff to keep the company happy.  Mandarin Orange cake, Pumpkin Pie, Cherry Cheesecake plus there is still Banana  Bread and Pumpkin Bread.  Lots of food for dinner planned too!
Rob, Carrie, Tyler and Cohen will be here later Christmas day.  Mattie and James are coming over.  I love cooking big meals for my friends and family.  It is so sweet that I have the energy to do this. 
I had a bit of an interruption to today's work.  As I was cleaning up in the kitchen I opened up the cabinet under the sink to get some cleaner out.  I heard a water leaking noise!  Last year our garbage disposal rusted out and made a mess under the sink.  This year it was the main drain pipe.  It didn't just happen.  How did I miss it?  There was mold.  Thank goodness a plumber was available on Christmas Eve.  He looked like a kid but he did a good job and it didn't take him long at all! 
Have I mentioned how happy I am that I do not have to wear the neck brace unless I am driving?  I am!  It is so much more comfortable.  I can't tell you how happy I am that I can sleep on my tummy again!  What a relief!!  I finally remembered to purchase some vitamin E oil to use on my scar this week.  I was advised that it us much cheaper and works great by the doc's assistant.  It is a good thing I have the capsules that can be taken orally because when I used it as I was advised I broke out in whelps.  So much for that idea. Hydrocortisone to the rescue and it is all better today.  That was irritating! 
I spent several hours playing with my camera this week.  Working on depth of field and trying to get some bokeh.  I like what I was able to come up with.  It did remind me that when I am doing macro stuff that a tripod would be nice.  But I used my imagination and came up with other ways to hold the camera still. 

This is the only thing that I have other than wrapped gifts to take Christma's pics of.  That will teach me to be lazy and not put up a tree!  Maybe.

I can't figure out why I am still going tonight.  Wide awake.  On my 2nd glass of wine and feeling great.  I had an old school friend chat with me on FB for a bit.  I have my headphones on (of course) and have it cranked up. 
Merry Christmas to everyone!  My wish is for you all have a wonderful holiday with your families.  Please keep our soldiers in your thoughts and prayers.

Stats and stuff

Stats are a big part of my job.  Maybe that is one of the reasons that I find this interesting.  I know part of the reason is I keep wondering who would look me up in Russia or India and where is Latvia?  I need to look that one up.  Geography is not my strong point.  That award would go to typos. 
This is just some of the stats that this blog site tracks.  Of course if you have a blog site on here you already know that. 

Audience 2010 May – 2010 December

Pageviews by Countries
United States 1,301
Brazil 47
Canada 33
Russia 28
Mexico 24
Ecuador 18
United Kingdom 14
Latvia 14
India 12
Germany 10


Pageviews by Browsers
Internet Explorer 1,190 (76%)
Firefox 192 (12%)
Safari 56 (3%)
Opera 40 (2%)
Mobile 30 (1%)
Java 17 (1%)
Jakarta Commons-HttpClient 14 (1%)
Chrome 8 (1%)
NetFront 1 (1%)
Netscape 1 (1%)


Pageviews by Operating Systems
Windows 1,389 (90%)
Macintosh 61 (3%)
BlackBerry 33 (2%)
iPhone 31 (2%)
Other Unix 14 (1%)
Samsung 1 (1%)

Only one Samsung user.  That doesn't seem to be a popular choice in this group.  I am not sure what all this adds up to.  It might feed my anal side.  You know the side that has to have all the cans organized and facing the same way in the cabinet. 

One more day and the work week will be done.  I think I am ready for Christmas.  I do need to pick up a few things at the grocery but that won't take long.  I have Thursday off and I will wait until early that morning.  Maybe I will miss most of the crowds that way?  I can hope. 
My little sister had surgery today.  She called me when it was all done to let me know she was ok.  I need to go find the funniest get well card that I can find.  I need to return a laugh to her.  I know.  It isn't always the best to laugh right after surgery.  Paybacks.  Sisterly love.  Could be it is just my true nature crawling out?  I know she "loves" sock monkeys.  I can talk about this all I want to also.  She is with out her computer for now.  It caught a nasty virus and can't be cured until after Christmas.  I hope her recovery is faster than mine has been!
I asked before my surgery about how long would it take for me to recover.  I was told about 4-5 weeks.  It has been almost twice that time and I still wear the blasted brace when I drive.  I had no clue it would take this long!  I guess I shouldn't complain but I am sick of being so weak.  Whaaaa, whaaaa.  Sorry.  I will shut it. 
I have so much to be thankful for.  My husband is a cancer survivor.  My daughters are happy. I gained a Son in law.  I gained a Daughter in law.  My step Son is a Dad.  I am a Grandma that gets to see her Grandson on Christmas. 
An old friend lost her father today.  Her mother is also very ill and may not live until Christmas.  They were/are both in their 90's and have not been in the best health.  She said they were/are ready to go.  But to lose both parents is going to be so hard on her.  Losing them this close to a major holiday is not easy either.  My thoughts and prayers are with her family.

So now I know and I have learned my new thing for the day.  It was the very end of the day but I got it in before I went to bed.  Much better than learning things from strange dreams.  How can you trust that what you learned in a dream is right or not?  I am not sure how to test it either.  Better leave that one alone.

Almost

 It was a very busy weekend! I tried to finish up all of the shopping Friday. I ran out of oomph really fast and had to come home and take ANOTHER nap. By the time I woke up it was time to start cooking dinner. My little sister volunteered to come wrap presents. I figured the least I could do was make her spaghetti for dinner. Dinner turned out good and Lisa wrapped and wrapped and wrapped gifts. I am afraid she is secretly sorry she volunteered. I was worn out by the time she was done and all I did was try to find boxes, take off price tags and add name tags. I know she had to be tired! So, a huge thank you to my little sister.

Saturday BT took me to Stillwater to spend some time with Nikita. She had to work that afternoon/evening so I hung out with her at Murphy's. It is pretty dead around there on a Saturday afternoon. I did watch most of the Stillwater basketball game while there. I don't know squat about coaching and only played the game in Junior High, but I was frustrated watching them. They were lucky to win. I don't remember 1/2 the team standing so still when they were trying to score. Our coach would have pulled us from the game and said "If you want to rest you can do that on the bench". He would have never gone for that! I won't even start about the sloppy board.  Nothing like watching a ball game, in a bar, while sober and the pros are well on their way. Her boyfriend’s girls were in town visiting and the youngest just had a birthday to celebrate. So after work we had a late dinner, she opened presents, we all had cake, then played My Littlest Pet Shop Monopoly. We all stayed up way too late playing and cashed out around 3am. HA! I won! Of course the only reason was because we put the cash in the middle and if you land on Free Parking you win it all. I landed on Free Parking 3 times. I would have been stomped if not for that.

Kita has 2 cats, Sister and Smoky. They both decided to sleep with me on the couch. Sister woke me up walking across my bladder some time in the wee hours. I was too tired to get up. Then she woke me up purring while curled up on my chest. Smoky stayed curled up behind my knees. I did not need much on blankets because those 2 kept me warm. I imagine I would get used to sleeping with cats if I did it more often. I am used to my dog sleeping on the floor right next to my bed. I could not sleep with a 90lb Shepard. Way to much dog smell.  
This is sister.  She is a very sweet kitty.

This is Smoky.  He is getting sweeter.  He has too much fun harassing all the other animals to be truly sweet. 

I made biscuits and gravy for everybody the next morning. That was a bit of an adventure. It isn't easy cooking in someone else's kitchen. I started the sausage to browning and turned the oven on to preheat. A few minutes later I smelled something burning. A burning plastic smell to be exact. I should have checked the oven before I turned it on. The left over birthday cake had been wrapped in plastic and stored in the oven to keep it "safe". Have you ever seen a melted plastic covered birthday cake? It was a 1st for me. After I got as much of the plastic cleaned up from the oven I turned everything back on and finished everything up. I was afraid the biscuits would taste like plastic but it was all good. The birthday girl wasn't upset that her cake was melted! She said that she loved biscuits and gravy for breakfast. Good thing. I would have hated to make her sad over her cake!

BT picked me up late in the afternoon and we stopped by Mattie's house on the way home. She just got moved back into her house. The landlord just remodeled most of the place and it looked so nice! She was going to take us out to eat but we had already ate at McDonald's. If only I had known I would have waited. Her idea was much better than a fast food burger! She promised we could do a rain check. We didn't stay too long, I was just too tired. I was in bed asleep by 8:00 pm last night and slept all night long. I guess I am too old to stay up till 3:00am playing Monopoly and sleeping with cats.

It was a good Monday. I was able to get lots done in my 1/2 day. Plus a stupid subpoena for this afternoon was postponed until late Jan. So I don't have to worry about that until next month. I think I have whined about this before but, child custody fights make my stomach turn. It gets old watching people show how ugly they will let their souls turn.

One last gift to get. I had to wait until today to find out if I was able to purchase it. Not. So one more trip to the store. A few items from the grocery. Some house cleaning. Some baking for the hubby's company dinner. Not a bad to do list to get ready for Christmas.  If I don't take a nap every day then I should have enough time to get it all done.

OH YEA!

The neck brace is OFF!  I only have to wear the soft one if I am driving.  I have to go back in 4 weeks.  Still not released yet.  I have 4 more weeks of 1/2 days.  Good thing I have so much time on the books.  I went to work after the appointment and only put that stupid brace back on to drive home!  I am worn out but I don't care.
I have lots to do.  I need to get off of here and get busy!  One more day to get shopping done.  I want to spend the weekend with Nikita in Stillwater.  I have lots of presents to wrap before I go!  I have more stuff to buy before I can finish wrapping!

Connections

If you doubt how small the world is or how connected we are, look up some old friends on FB. I did and found that 2 people that I knew years ago have a common friend with me on FB. It has already happened a few times when I added an old friend to FB. The newly found old friend will send me a message and say " How do you know so and so". I may not have talked to this person for decades but unknowingly we have a friend that we both know and talk to regularly. It was funny when one old friend knew my little brother but didn’t make the connection until they saw his name on my FB.

I have noticed that I miss some connections myself. I have family that is still in touch with people from the Children’s Home and it is just strange to see how those old connections combine with my current old friends. Now that is a different way to refer to people, “current old friends”. Should I have an “out of touch old friends” list? That might be handy to have. A list of people that I “found” and sent a friend request to that never accepted. I would hate to make a pest of myself and forget that I had sent a request and send another one. OH! The horror! I might seem desperate or stalkish. No really I would just hate to waste my time. (Ooops! That isn't the best attitude.) Anyhooo, I can’t always expect people to remember me fondly or remember me at all. After all I don’t always remember them fondly and I have already admitted to not being able to remember most of the names.

Back to the present, or rather the future. I have my return doc appointment in the morning. Another trip to south Tulsa for a new x-ray 1st thing in the morning. That means I get to wear one of those pretty gowns. I always look forward to that. The lab is efficient and it doesn’t take long. I just hate putting on the gown and parading down the hall, past everybody sitting in the hall waiting, past all the other employees, get the x-rays done then back past all those people. Then I get to get dressed and go sit with those same people and wait for them to print the x-ray. I wonder if I am the only one that is uncomfortable doing that? So then I take my brand new x-ray to the doc and try not to hold my breath while he looks at it.

The last weekend before Christmas is coming up. I do not have all of my shopping done. I do have help coming Friday night to wrap what I do have purchased. My little sister volunteered because she loves to wrap gifts. I look forward to spending the evening with her. Maybe I can get organized, figure out what else I need, and get it Thursday evening and early Friday. That way I can use my help to the fullest and it will all be done!

Long long ago

So I pulled out a few names from wayyyy back in my past.  That isn't easy for me with my old habit of forgetting.  But just being my nosy self I looked them up on FB.  Sure enough I have found 2 so far.  I recognized them right off.  One I did send a friend request to.  The other one, ummmm probably not.  Now how many more names can I dig out.  I can see faces and remember things we did together.  Why oh why can't I think of their name?  Part could be because it was almost 30 years ago.  OH GOD did I just type the number 30?  Wow!  I guess when you don't talk to people for about 30 yrs you forget their name(s). 
I jumped around some as a teenager.  I was kicked out of the Children's home the last day of my Junior year in High School.  I spent the summer hiding so nobody could send me back.  Moved to Broken Arrow my Senior year to try to finish school.  This is where I am pulling the names from.  I was pretty good a burning bridges back then so I am sure there are a few that would not be glad to hear from me.  I only went to school there for 1/2 the school year so I didn't make a lot of friends.  I got pissed when the admin flunked me because I had too many absences.  It WAS my fault I got suspended for fighting but, I didn't like the fact that they counted the days against me from the beginning of the year before I was enrolled.  I know they were just sooooo upset that I quit.    I am so glad I am not the same person I was back then.  I was so angry at the world that I messed things up all the time.  I sure was a stupid teenager! 
Any how, I moved back to Tulsa for the last 1/2 of my Senior year.  I was able to enroll myself and finished High School.  That is a whole different story for another time.  It was close but I did finish.  I wonder if the 1 friend request will be accepted?  I wonder how her and her family are doing? 
I just can't get over the 30 year thing.  I think the actual number might be 28 or maybe 29.......

In the spirit

I am trying to get into the spirit of Christmas.  It just hasn't been the same for me since my kids grew up.  They are the reason I put so much effort into it.  I am not bothering with decorating.  I did not set up a tree.  I would rather spend my energy on other things.  I have most of my shopping done.  I have NONE of my wrapping done.  Everything is piled up on the guest room bed taunting me with more "to dos".  I should have worked on getting some of it wrapped today.  Instead I made cookies.  It is much fewer than I usually make.  Whether I like it or not I am not strong enough yet.  I can walk around, for like forever, but if I am using my arms to do anything I get tired very fast. 

This year my big cookie sheet full of cookies is very heavy.  It is right there on the weight limit I am supposed to be lifting.  So all I made was a single batch of chocolate chip and a single batch of peanut butter. 
I promised to share some of these with a co-worker/cookie monster.  So this will have to do for now.  Maybe later this week I will make more. 

I tried one of the chocolate chips.  Just lovely while it was still warm.  I need to go try a peanut butter.  Gotta make sure they are worth sharing.  I wouldn't want to give away a bad cookie. 
Anybody want to help clean up? 

Wheelless

One more week before I go back. I have all of my hopes on the doc letting me drive after the 16th. I think I have said it before, but I have a hard time asking people to do things for me. I know the ones that I ask are glad to help. I would be if the roles where reversed. It is just not in my true nature. I had an Ortho appt. yesterday and a cleaning today. I had to get a ride yesterday. Thank you BA. I know you were busy and it was not easy to stop and give me a ride. Today was easier. The dentist office is less than a block from my office so I walked. I was hoping for nice weather so that I could do that. It turned out nice enough for me to walk home too. The walk did me good and I did not have to get another ride.


Since I have started this blog I wanted to look at myself honestly. I wanted to realize why I am the way I am. What is the cause, the fear, or habit behind behaviors? So my analysis of the dislike of asking others took some thinking. I think it boils down to fear. What if they don't want to do this thing and just agreed to be nice. So many people say things like "Let me know if you need anything" or "Please keep me informed". Do they mean it? Why do I doubt them? Some of the fear comes from bad childhood stuff. I had it hammered into my head enough to not bother anyone with things. So that is probably part of it. But I am not a child anymore and can't just blame this habit completely on that. Why am I so afraid to bother somebody? Part could be I grew up thinking you only ask for help if you are weak. Does my mind set still consider that showing weakness opens me up to pain? I can tell you this is why I don't have a close friend. These are the skills that I lack. The ability to share things, that I perceive to make me vulnerable, leaves me acting and saying awkward things. So if any of you have ever made it to that awkward moment and then wonder where do you go next, you will know what I am talking about. Many, many times I have been amazed at what just came out of my mouth or what my fingers just typed, after I hit enter. Has any of you ever figured out how to take back stupid things that have already been said?
I have tried and just end up making it worse.
Several times.
I do know that NOBODY understands what is going on inside another person's head. Well unless they tell you. Then I still judge it by what I would do. That would mean I don't tell everything. (Of course I wouldn’t, that would make me vulnerable.) So here I sit laughing at myself, again. I do believe that I have done this laughing at myself many times this year.

I have to wonder, is this some little quirk that I live with, or do I need to work on fixing it? You know that part about asking for help. I think as long as my health is good I should be alright. If my health leaves me then I will have to "fix it". So I guess I can set this one on a shelf for a little while, maybe?

It is frustrating for me because I would love to help someone with anything that I am able to but can't seem to let them help me. Please forgive me if you were ever upset because I didn't ask you for help or didn't keep you informed. It isn't that I don't want your help or want you to know. Blame it on my lack of confidence. Because why would anyone really want to mess with all of my...... mess?

The biggest joke? Now I have shared another weakness and feel vulnerable. Now you know when you say something nice to me I doubt you. I doubt you mean it. Be mean or rude to me, I can handle that, I do the attitude thing with no problem. Be nice to me and I don't know how to handle it. I never, never expect the niceness, that way if it doesn't appear then my feelings can't be hurt. Like everyone else I like approval and acceptance. It just hurts me to admit it and I HATE to have that kind of attention in public. Awards are painful for me. I don't mind my boss or co-worker saying thank you. BUT please do not make me stand up in front of anyone. I do not like that kind of attention. I have already talked about that "weakness" on a previous blog. I will get up in front of a crowd of people if I have to. I don't like it. Testifying in court is very, very hard for me to do. But I will do it. It feels like a punishment to me. I also get grumpy about having to do it. Does that sound like a reward? My last boss made me stand up for an award once and I told him if he did that to me again I would leave and go to work for McDonalds. I was serious.

So as I started out saying, all of my hopes are on the doc letting me drive next week. I don't like to worry and it would be nice to mark this fear of having to ask for help off my mental checklist. If I need to go somewhere it would be nice to just get in my little blue car and go. So much easier.
I will hit enter.  I will share this.  So I didn't just set it on the shelf.  I am still looking at this quirk.  My satisfaction?  Sharing didn't kill me.  What we live through makes us stronger. 

A jumble of rambling

It seems I have fallen into a new habit.  Logged onto FB, Flickr and either Youtube or I have a CD plugged in.  The head phones are on at max.  Looking at other's photos and loving the creative ideas that come from their minds.  Every now and then look up and see a message on Facebook (1).  Click over to see what someone has said to me or commented on my weird ramblings.  * I wonder how many people that have accepted my friendship only to hide me because I NEVER shut up? *  Funny how while trying to be polite we will make ourselves uncomfortable.  At least some of us do.  Or is this something I alone do?  Surely I am not the only one??  (Don't call me Shirley!)  There is one only to live in re-runs.  RIP sir.
So this is what I do in the evenings to keep myself busy.  I find that by 6:00 I am tired and need to sit still.  Still not a fan of tv.  Seldom is there enough going on in FB land to keep me occupied with just it.  I am a lover of noise.  When it gets quiet my brain starts and there is no telling where it will go, or for how long.  I think I was ruined with multi tasking in dispatch.  Gotta keep the brain moving, on to the next thing, then the next.  Go back to the one item that wasn't finished from hours ago.  Jump back to what I was doing in the here and now.  Laugh at the rush to cover the last bad call.  Dispatchers are a dark group of wonderful people.  When you leave dispatch you can't go back to like you were before. 
Yes I realize I have jumped from one subject to another and then another.  Keep up.  Go ahead and laugh.  Of course you can also feel sorry for my husband.  He puts up with me every day. 
I was also reading some William Blake earlier.  I wish I could get words to flow like a poet.  Maybe when I grow up?  Here is part of one that I enjoy.

In what distant deeps or skies
Burnt the fire of thine eyes?
On what wings dare he aspire?
What the hand dare seize the fire?

Graceful gazelle to my plodding cow like efforts.  But at least y'all don't see all of my dribble.  Most of it I erase.  I am not sure what inspires me to share some of it sometimes?  The art of telling enough, for people to understand, but making the balance of not to specific, so many can feel it.  Does that make since to anybody?  Of course there is no telling what I will come up with in the next few weeks.  Don't worry you can hide me or delete me on FB if you prefer. 
Time is dragging on this healing!  I wonder what the doc will say.  Can I get up and start doing more?  I know I get tired so easy.  That won't change magically in 2 weeks.  I want to get up and get the body to moving as much as my brain is.  I want, want, want. 
Wish in one hand......
I purchased an Evanescence CD.  Softer stuff from my normal taste.  The one I wanted was not on the shelf.  So I need to buy another one.  I have been listening to lots of softer stuff this year.  Ha!  I must be getting old.  I sure feel feeble.  Just for that I think I will plug in some Seether next. 
I need to get my back side in the shower.  I don't have time to dry my hair in the morning and it is too cold to go out with it wet!  Blah, blah, blah.  I am gonna shut it off for the night.  My mouth, errrr rather my fingers in this case, not the music, or the FB, or the Flickr. 
It is not dream time yet.

Not Forgotten

A Child Grown, but Not Forgotten




I sleep that I might dream,
I dream of the lost forgotten.

The desire to recall a feeling,
the desire left by the forgotten.

I wish to hold the dream,
to hold the memory of the forgotten.

The ache to touch my lips,
to kiss the skin of my forgotten.

I close my eyes to see your face,
so it will not be forgotten.

Time has stolen the years,
to me you are not forgotten.

Face it

I spent the last 2 days taking self portraits.  Not much else to take pictures of here at home.  So now I have some pictures of me with my neck brace on.  Playing with shadows, light and photo editing.  I can not tell you how much courage it takes to post any picture of myself.  I am definitely my own worst critic.  So here is one from Thursday.

I like to suffer the delusion that the shadows will keep a person from noticing the soft neck brace.  Why am I taking pictures of myself?  Or better yet why do I post them?  It must be the dork in me. 



More photo editing today and I tried for some drama so I put on some very dark lip stick.  It has been years since I wore lip stick. I also took off my neck brace and held very still.  Boy does this one show my age!

I need to find someone that will let me take pictures of them.  I need to see what I can come up with looking at someone else's face.  I have also taken enough pictures of Shy.  It is amazing that she doesn't run when she sees me pick up the camera.  I think I need to take some classes to learn more.  I have enjoyed using my free photo editing software but I need to start looking at what is available to purchase.  I have seen some really neat photos that are a combination of 2 or more and would like to try my hand at that.  I am really enjoying black and white photos.  I am really drawn to them.  I need to get back outside and get some shots of winter trees.  I have some ideas that I would like to try on naked trees and black and white editing. 

Before I can do any of this I have to get better.  It is so easy to over do things.  I stood up and tried to stretch and yawn at the same time today.  Not a good idea.  It made me very very dizzy.  2 more weeks of 1/2 days at work then back to the doc.  I really hope the next x-ray will show the bones healed!  Latest dream of destroying my neck brace is to burn it then blow apart the lump with one of the officer's machine guns.  I do believe that would satisfy me in so many ways.  





wow

It has been one year.  I still don't want one.  I wonder how I did that?  I need to apply that to other areas!

Turkey......and gravy!

Great weekend.  We went to Gram's house on Thursday.  Aunt Mary and my sister Lisa did the cooking.  Everything was great!  I was limited to making a cake and a pie.  Neither one of my daughters where there this year.  I missed them.  Did I say the food was great?  It was!
It was nice to see my lil sister and her husband, Kim and son Jacob.  It was her birthday so the day was referred to as Lisa day not Turkey day or Thanksgiving.  Lisa's son is just about grown.  He seemed so much more relaxed this year.  He will probably grow up and go other places like my girls do too!  Houston, his wife Meredith and my favorite little cousin Mik were there.  Mik was cranky but I still took pictures of him.  He is such a beautiful child!  Houston's step mom and little sister were there too.  Lilly sure has grown up!  Uncle David was there playing on his computer in the corner.  My cousin Steph rounded out our group.  Only 13 this year.  The number sure has shrunk! 
Friday Rob and Carrie and Cohen came to visit.  LOVED having them.  We cooked the whole turkey spread again.  Mattie, BT and Carrie helped cook.  It was good.  There was so much I wanted to do but just not physically able to yet.  I look forward to getting back to 100% so I can really cook!  Maybe by Christmas?
I know it should go without saying but I love my Grandson so much.  He is....perfect.  I wouldn't change a thing about him.  I tried to not over do anything, but it was next to impossible to put him down once I was holding him.  I am very tired.  It was worth every bit. 
Of course I took lots more photos.  I am not pleased with the lighting in my kitchen/dining room.  The bulbs we have make things look yellow.  That will be fixed by Christmas.  We hang out in the kitchen more than the living room!  It did get me to do some creative photo editing. 

I faded and muted all of the colors then framed it in a white matte.  I love his little chubby baby fingers.  Why is it I think baby fat rolls are cute but I despise mine? 

This one I muted the colors and framed everything in black.  He was in his mommy's lap and he was just tuckered out.  Do you see the little fat rolls on his wrists?  What about the dimple on his elbow.  OH!  I have got it bad! 
I wish I could explain how I feel when I hold him. 
Then his mommy and daddy went home and took him with them.  I tried to talk him into tricking them.  I was going to put a couple bags of flour in his car seat and cover them up with a blanket.  But since I can't carry his car seat right now I had to scrap that plan.  I will see him around Christmas.  Not sure I can wait that long. 
I have loved all of the Turkey, potatoes and the GRAVY.  I had it for breakfast this morning.  I had it for dinner tonight.  The turkey was so juicy this year and the gravy was so creamy!  Yesterday I made a huge pot of turkey mushroom soup.  That is what I had for lunch.  But I sent the last little bit of that with Carrie and Rob.  Rob had a cold turkey sandwich for lunch.  There is still more turkey in the fridge.  Maybe Turkey pot pie or Turkey and rice in mushroom gravy? 
The only dessert left is one piece of pecan pie.  All of the Mandarin Orange cake, the Cherry pie, the pumpkin roll are gone.  I guess I should have made the Cheese cake.  Oh and I licked the last of the Whiskey Maple Cream Sauce from the bowl today so it is gone too!  That stuff is deadly good!!
My house is too quiet.  I am so very very tired. 
No work for me in the morning.  I have to stay home so the heat and air man can fix our heater.  It was acting up all weekend.  The replacement part will be here in the morning.  Once that is fixed I will go to work in the afternoon. 
One more thing made for a nice weekend.  I am a finalist in the City of Owasso's photo contest.  I was way too pleased that one of my pictures was picked.  There are 14 photos that the City picked.  They have  printed large copies of them and will move them around to several locations in the City for people to vote on.  I hope to, at least, win a copy of my photo printed and framed.  That would be cool.  This is the pic.

Out of ooomph!   For sure.

I did remember

Monday, Tuesday, FRIDAY!  How can a person not love a 3 day work week?  So up at 4:30, shower, eat oatmeal,comb out drippy hair and put gel in it, hope that it dries in perfect curls, laugh at self in the mirror for early morning delusions, try to slap makeup on a sweaty face, get dressed, walk out the door at 5:40.  Walk in to work 15 min. til 6:00, log on computer, turn on radio, unlock money bag, open all the programs needed to answer the public's questions and meet all of their needs, run the report lists, pick up coffee cup and head for squad room.  Most mornings the Capt is sitting at the table and coffee is made.  Not today so I started a pot of coffee and chatted with Ms Nancy while she tried to finish her report before going on days off.  Log all reports that have not been approved, log reports sent to CID, log reports coming straight to Records.  Now coffee, love the 1st cup the most.  It always taste the best.  It hasn't tasted as good since I got braces on but still not bad.  (I wonder if it will go back to tasting wonderful after all the metal in my mouth is gone?)  Talk with shift going off duty, make faces at on coming shift's smart @$$ remarks about my neck collar, return insults, drink more coffee, check mail box and pick up the ton of warnings Officers have done in last 24 hrs, take everything back to my office with a full cup of coffee.  Now it is time to run the daily log for the media.  For some reason people want to know what is going on.  So the last 24 hrs is printed off(Or the last 3 days if it is Monday), reviewed for any info that can not be released, all BIG secret CAN'T tell anybody stuff is blacked out, scan copy of report and store, print pdf of report, email report to 4 different people that are just as nosy as me.  Mark tally marks on calender (gotta keep track of how much stuff is sent out, Stats, always stats!), Review emails delete 99% because it is junk or does not pertain to me or my job, pick masterfiles from dispatch, check to see how many prisoners are still locked up, add reports picked up from squad room to the pile waiting to be checked in, Greet co-worker walking in the door right at 8:00, (being early is not his style) If it is Monday run last weeks arrest log, review to make sure no juvies are on the adult log, review charges make sure all is releasable, verify everyone on the lists really was arrested, give list to co-worker to be double checked, once double checked arrest report is printed to pdf file and emailed to 4 other people that are also nosy, well 3 are nosy and the other one is a boss that wants to make sure the nosy employee is really being nosy enough and doing the job right, mark down more tally marks (stats, remember? It is all about stats), phone is usually ringing or someone is at the window wanting a copy of a report or wants copies of the last 10 yrs of domestic reports that they have been involved in, look up info to try to give estimate of how many pages and how long it will take, while looking up check to see how many other times you or co-worker have released this same report to this same person, ask customer if they want all of the dozen reports where they had the crap beat out of them but decided to drop the charges, ask if they also want a copy of the prosecution waiver from all of those reports? (No?  You don't need those?  Are you sure??  The Judge might be interested that you never co-operate.  Are you sure you don't want them?), give estimate and listen to the customer complain that they can not wait that long because they have to be in court in 10 min in Tulsa, explain again that there is no human way to make that many copies any faster, take a sip of the full cup of coffee that you put down an hour ago, grimace at it's icy coldness, print off reports, redact all Big secret CAN'T tell anybody stuff, make photo copy, have victim (customer) fill out request form, take payment if needed, make receipt, give over the stack of reports while the customer complains that they are late for court, wish them a nice day, wait until they walk out the door before you shake your head and wonder how many more times will they let someone beat the crap out of them?, shred original copies that were redacted, pick up coffee and take another drink of the cold brew and decide that it is just awful and head back for a fresh cup. 
This is what most mornings are like at Owasso Police Departments Records Division.  There is always different reports, different customers, and new paper work to sort through.  But it follows this example most of the time.  This was what my return to work was like this week.  It took me a bit to remember what and where everything was.  3 and 1/2 weeks off and I was already forgetting things.  I was only working 6:00-11:00 this week.  Monday I had to come home and take a nap.  Tuesday I wasn't able to sleep.  Today I came home had lunch, went to the grocery store, then baked things to take to Gram's house for Turkey day.  I also made a maple cream sauce.  I've never tried it or made it before.  I saw the recipe online and thought it sounded wonderful.  It is wonderful.  I tried a small spoonful when it was done cooking.  OH MY!  It is going to taste so good on the pecan pie.  Once I cleaned up the mess I was worn out.  No oomph left, none.  I figure I should kick back on the couch a bit and listen to the radio.  Shy always wants to come give me kisses when I lay down on the couch.  So I spent a few min giggling at her and trying to dodge her kisses.  She found a spot on my shirt where I dribbled some cream sauce.  She liked it too.  I had to cover my shirt up to get her to leave it alone.  Out went the lights.  I didn't hold still for 2 min and I was asleep.  It felt good. 
My Aunt called and asked if we were going to come to the Wed. night Ham Dinner at Gram's house.  I had to turn her down.  I just didn't have the energy to put the hard collar back on and drive to Tulsa (OK, I wouldn't drive myself.  I would just sit in the passenger seat.  Geesh!).  I am sorry I missed it.  It is always good.  Just didn't have any oomphh left today.  Pretty sure that it was a good thing that I only worked 3 days this week.  I am sore and tired.  Not sleepy just tired.  It was good to get out of the house.  And 4:30 doesn't feel much different than 5:00.  It sounds worse but I didn't notice any difference.  I bet I do when I have to do it 4 days next week. 
I didn't miss all the afternoon work at all this week.  I wonder if I will remember how to do it when I finally go back on full days?

Okay

I did just fine today.  I did not over do it thank you.  I did wade through over 200 emails.  Why do people send out so much crap.  Maybe others think my rambling is crap.  Ooops.  I was off for 3 1/2 weeks and I really had to stop and think about what I was doing.  Use it or lose it fits me perfect it seems. 
I did take a small nap when I got home.  I need to work on getting to bed earlier.  Like that will ever happen!  Old habit I can not break.  Funny how if I am off for more than 2 days I find myself staying up later and later.  4:30 did come early but I did ok with it.  A2 shift was still on when I got to work.  They didn't point and laugh too much.  A1 shift .....  rotten brats!  Of course I love all of them.  That doesn't mean I don't want to smack them in the back of the head for some of the comments they came up with.  I really do not like wearing the brace out in public.  I would rather people not look.  I didn't do so good at hiding today. 
We went to Tulsa this afternoon to get a present.  Since we were in town we stopped and visited Grams.  She seemed to be doing ok.  Usually she wants to play a game but we just sat and talked.  When I gave her a hug good-bye she felt so small.  I did not get to see my cutest little cousin.  He lives next door to Grams.  I was informed that he was sleeping.  So I will just have to wait until Thursday to see him. 
Sneezing has been an adventure today.  If I could just sneeze little ones it would be ok.  But NO... I gotta try to blow the top of my head off!  WHAT is up with THAT?  Sorry the stupid brace is getting on my nerves and I really am grumpy.  I think I will shut up now. 
G night

Gravy

It is back to work for me in the morning.  I am glad to get up and get busy again.  I hate that I have to wear the brace(s) out in public.  I wish I still had the back corner of my office that I could hide in.  My desk does have my back to the public window.  Maybe I can just act busy and not turn around?  It will be a short week since it is Turkey Day so just Mon-Wed.  Maybe I will get used to wearing "it" out in public??  I have my alarm set for 4:30, ugh.  I am used to 5:00 but since I am not driving I will have to leave the house earlier.  I think I can get up and get ready by 5:30 and still have some energy.  I hope I can.  I guess I will find out in the morning.  At least Records will not be open to the public until 8:00.  That will give me 2 hours to get used to being back.  Hopefully?
Today started out ok but I got to feeling bad this afternoon. I don't think I over did anything. All I did was take a shower.  So I took it very easy the rest of the day.  Translation - I sat on my back side all day.  I think I need to start planning a big production of burning or burying my neck braces for when I no longer need them.  I have a particular dislike for the hard one.  It would be a pleasure to watch it burn.  The soft one isn't as bad but it rubs against my neck.  Oh, and my chin/jaw is sore from sitting on top of the braces.  I know, I am wimpy.
I think I am ready for Turkey Day.  I am making a cake and a pie to take to Gram's house.  I hope I can be of some help to Aunt Mary that day.  Grams can't do it any more.  She can't remember how to make a pie.  It is so hard to watch her loose all of her skills.  She has always been a wonderful baker.  I got my love of baking from her.  I am not making my own pie crust.  I am not supposed to be over doing it.  It drives me nuts that I am so weak.  I can stir things fine but there is a strange pulling ache if I lift much of anything.  I do not want to over do it!  I do not want to start over with all of this!
I can't wait to see the family.  I wish my girls were going to be there.  I wish Danny and his family were going to be here.  I guess I need to start making plans to go visit Danny.  Kita wants to go with me and drive to PA.  I don't know how soon I will be up to that long of a road trip.  I want to go East and see Danny.  I want to meet his youngest and see the other two kids.  The last time I saw them the middle girl was just a baby.  Then I want to go West and see Eloi and her family.  That would be my 1st time to see the Ocean.  She also just happens to live by this dreamy forest that I want to visit. 
We are having company at our house Friday and I am going to try to make a Turkey and the fixings.  I am going to need bunches of help.  I am really looking forward to potatoes and gravy.  I have been craving gravy for weeks now.  There isn't a restaurant around here that makes decent potatoes and gravy.  Maybe 2 days of it will help get rid of this craving?  If not the leftovers should do the trick.

Turtle

I was going to go for a walk but my cell phone is dead. Change of plans because I can’t leave the house with out it. What if I took a spill. (Ya know, me and my collar floppin around on the ground.) If my phone is dead I would not be able to call anyone and say, "Help I’ve fallen and I can’t get up".
There is a ton of things I could do.  But that would mean I was over doing things.  So I can't do them after all. 
There is only so much com-pute-ing a person can do in a day.  I do believe I am bored. 
Maybe my phone will charge quickly? 

Want

Weird, weird, weird. 
I had to stop and catch my breath tonight.  One of the weird moments that only FB seems to deliver.  My nephew, that I have only met twice, posted a picture of himself when he was little.  He was a cute little guy.  And all of the sudden it hit me.  I missed his childhood.  He is all but grown now.  And I lost the chance to know him as a child.  Not just him but his sister and brother too.  I am not sure how I let this happen.  I had no control over the ugliness that was my childhood.  But I was an adult when I met him for the 1st time.  Why did I not keep in touch?  I have fought my memories from that side of my family for so long.  As an adult I was still afraid. 
Still afraid that I would be judged.  Still afraid that the hurt was clinging to my half brother and his family?  We don't talk about the ugliness.  We drop hints of how awful.  We skip around the truth of what we lived.    All I know is my own pain.  Now, as an adult, I know that my father shared it with the other kids.  I was only there for a few months at a time.  They grew up there.  I knew back then that he was hurting my step sister.  I don't know if anyone else ever believed her.  I don't know if she knows I believe her.  We have never spoken again.  I ran as fast as I could from that house and tried to forget.  Stranger still.  No not strange, stupid.  Stupid me, as an adult I went back.  Why?  What was I looking for.  I had to know there wasn't any love there.  My brother has said that he also thought it was hell.  I have not asked him more.  I don't know if he wants me to know more.  I only spent a few months 2 different times living with my dad but the rest of my life trying to forget it. 
Not sure why my head went there.  One picture posted on FB and zing.  I have had many moments like that on FB.  It wouldn't bother me if I hadn't spend my adult life trying to forget my childhood.  The 1st few connections that I made on FB,, to my childhood, floored me.  They knew me back then.  They didn't know what I hid.  So they didn't really know me.  I do believe that has always been my pattern.  Hide the pain, run from it, don't tell anyone and always, always try to forget it.  Don't let anyone get close.  Where is my self confidence?
I am too old to run from things anymore.  Now I am stuck facing all of those choices I made.  I struggle with the fact that I can not go back and change things.  I can't make things different.  As much as I want to it is not possible. 
So now I am sitting here laughing at myself.  Stupid old woman crying over things that happened long ago.  Why do I let it bother me?  I have faced so many of those demons and I like to think they no longer have any power to hurt me.  I am sure the abuse has no power over me anymore.  It is when I come across small things, like the picture of my nephew, that I can still feel the hurt.  This is because I now recognize what I lost.

Now if I can find a way to wrap my brain around a few more truths.  Wanting what you can't have is destructive.  Doesn't mean I have quit wanting it.  I can't figure out how to lay it down either.  So I carry it with me.  Now how can I take that want and turn it into motivation? 
Of all things. 
I hope.

Sorry this one is


horrid.

News

I had my return trip to the doc this morning.  Good news I am healing fine.  Bad news I have to wear the neck brace(s) for another 3 weeks.  I am really sick of them both.  The "hard" brace is the devil. 
I get to return to work next Monday.  I am limited to 1/2 days until my return visit in Dec.  Still not allowed to lift much, but I can start doing more things.  I am not allowed to drive yet, but I can go on short trips around town. 
So I am kinda still mostly on the gimp list.  I can do almost everything for myself again.  I am so very very uncomfortable having others do things for me.  Well other than cooking.  I really like when others cook.  I get tired of eating my cooking.  I don't mind when others do the driving either.  I prefer sitting on the passenger side and eyeballing everything around me.  I think that is it.  Everything else I want to do myself.  I  wondered if I would be able to have someone else clean my house?  When I was younger the answer would be a big fat no.  Now...... maybe some of it.  I will have to think on this some more. 
I think I am going to go take a nap now.  I had trouble going to sleep last night and got up early this morning.  My first trip out in a vehicle kinda made me sore too. 
Best news is doc said I could hold Cohen when he comes visit next week.  I can't bend over and pick him up but I CAN hold him if someone else hands him to me.  This is the best news.  God I love babies!!

Open minded? Right

I am feeling so much better.  Not anywhere near 100 percent yet, but much better.  Now my challenge is to not over do anything.   
Since I haven't been able to leave the house I have not seen my Grams in 3 weeks.  She has no ability to keep track of time now so when I called her today she had no idea how long it has been since I have been to visit her.  She is also hard of hearing and if she answers the "wrong" phone at her house she can't hear a thing you say to her.  I think she answered the "wrong" phone when I called her today.  So I found myself YELLING into the phone the same 2 sentences.  I thought that she finally understood me until she asked if the doctor had done the "thing" to me yet.  I ended the call telling her that I go back to the doctor in the morning.  She did hear that.  I know she did because she repeated it back to me.  That doesn't mean she will remember what I said.  I think I might need to stop and see her after my appointment if there is time.  I think the neighbors might of heard me trying to talk to her. 
Getting old is often not nice.  It can be hard on the person and their family. 
Speaking of.  I have high hopes that this surgery will fix my pain and that I can get back to moving around again.  I know it has fixed some of it, but I can't use my arms to lift any weight yet to see if that has been cured.  I hope I am not too old. If it is fixed then that means I no longer have that as an excuse.  I will have nothing to blame but myself for not getting up off my back side and staying motivated. 
The pressure will really be on.  Trying to get back into shape during cold weather is not easy for me.  I do not like the cold.  The holidays will add some temptations too. 
The holidays!  I love Turkey day.  Good food, family, desserts, left overs.  This year Turkey day is my sister's B-day too.  I know what I want to get her but I don't know if I will be released to do any shopping in time.  Keeping my fingers crossed that I will be able to do at least that one trip. 
My Grandson and his mom and dad are coming to visit the day after Thanksgiving.  They are staying all weekend.  Pure bliss to know I will have 2 days of all their company.  He weighs more than 11 lbs now.  That means I can't hold him, but I can put him in my lap. 
I have been listening to lots of youtube music trying to keep from getting bored in the evenings.  I couldn't sleep one night and stayed up listening to all kinds of music.  I had no clue that Everlast did 2 songs with Santana.  I knew he did one because of them winning an award for it.  But I really like the 2nd one too.  It is not what I usually listen to.  Too much like rap.  I do like the singers deep voice and the story of the song is good.  It got me listening to some of his other music and I found a few that I liked ok.  I am shocked to like something by a rap artist.  Of course the stuff that I could stand didn't have much rap style to it either.  I have ended up with all kinds of Music written down that I want to buy.  It's amazing what keeping an open mind can lead too.  Me and any type of rap music?  So I guess that means my hard head can open at least a little.  I am going to confess another artist that is kinda like rap that I will listen too, Linkin Park.  Real rap listeners would say that they don't rap.  But I am not a real rapper, at all, now or ever, period.  So anyhows.... I have loved the song Crawling from the very 1st time I heard it.  There is so much of me in that song.  I like to say I am over my childhood abuse but it still likes to peek out at weird times.  Music seems to be one of those times.  I also found a new favorite.  I like to have lots of favorite songs.  That way I never get tired of any of them.  My new favorite, All American Nightmare by Hinder.  LOVE IT!  I can't wait until I am healed enough to really enjoy that song.  It is not easy for me to hold still while listening to a good rock song.  I usually listen to that kind of music by myself.  Nobody else in the house likes it so......  I like to turn it up and dance around like a fool.  Unfortunately, for now, I sit at the computer with my neck brace and headphones on and turn it up.  All the way up.  All I can get away with for now is to make it as loud as I can.  I know, I am a dork.  Today is not one of the days I mind being a dork.  : ) 
So I think I have been yapping long enough for this blog.  If you haven't heard the Hinder song OR if you haven't seen the video look it up.  Very sexy video.  Great rock sound. 
One more thing.  I would like to thank my daughters for keeping my love of music "up to date".  I miss them being at home so that I hear the newest, latest, greatest.  I started falling behind again the day my baby moved out.  That could get me started again. 

Bored

Bored. 
I am not made to sit around and do nothing.  It drives me nuts and I start to get grumpy.  It took 12 days for me to give up.  Today I am doing stuff.  I am taking it easy but I am NOT going to sit on my butt one more day.  I can not lift much so that limits me.  I did get some dusting done.  The heavy things stayed where they were and I dusted around them.  Half @$$ way of doing it but I feel better. 
Sad huh? 
The bruises are fading thank goodness.  I hate the shade of green that they are.  UGLY  UGLY  UGLY
Speaking of ugly, my GOD my hair needs help.  I can wash it so at least it is clean but Good Lord Almighty it is frightening.  It is all I can do to run a brush through it.  I try to put it in a ponytail but it is a poor excuse of one.  I can not lift my arms up and behind me to do anything for long at all.  Of course I am not supposed to do that at all but I have to do something to keep it out of the way.  Velcro just doesn't want to work with a wad of tangled hair in between it and that is the fastener for both neck braces. 
I took the last of the tape off today.  It looks like about a 2" cut.  He said he put it in one of my wrinkles.  Kinda nice to know that a wrinkle has been put to good use.  I can hope that once it heals and fades it won't be to noticeable.  Stupid Vanity
I put away the pills.  I don't want to take anymore of them.  I do not like how they make me feel.  Plus the dreams were getting pretty weird! 
Enough of all of that.  BLAH!
Today is Veterans Day. 
God Bless All of our Troops.  So many have fought.  So many still fight.  It is a humbling thing to realize that people have died for our freedom.  How many families morn for the 1st time on this day?  Dear Lord please keep them close to your heart this day. 
To all my friends and family that served and were able to come home, Thank You!  I thank God for each of you. 
To my friends that are still serving, Thank You.  May God keep all of you safe. 

It worked out for the best.

Yea!  The surgery is over.  It went so much better than I hoped it would.  I did NOT have to have bone taken from my hip!!  The surgeon said that there was a small chance that there would be a bone spur big enough to use.  And guess what he found right in the middle?  So I am thankful for a big bone spur!  Of course that probably was what was hurting me too.  So I think it is poetic justice that the thing causing me pain for years was used to fix me. 
I didn't plan this "vacation" very well.  I should have picked up a stack of books.  I could have bought photo albums and put years worth of photos away.  Maybe I can get someone to go to the store and buy me a few photo albums.
I have been ordered to not do any housework.  I am so upset that I can't do any dishes.  ; )  Y'all should know how much I love to do dishes.....
I am not supposed to lift my arms above my head or bend over and pick anything up off of the floor.  Of course that makes it difficult to do anything with my hair.  Plus I have already dropped several things on the floor.  I am not graceful and taking the pain pills just exaggerates my clumsiness.  I wish I didn't have to take the pills.  They make me very sleepy.  I have drifted off several times sitting up.  It isn't like I have to hold my head up.  The neck collar does that for me.  : )~
The surgeon did say that I could go on short car rides but to limit them as much as possible.  He said the vibration keeps the bones from healing as fast.  I think I will stay home and let everything heal faster. 
I am done for the night.  I keep drifting off. 

Good night
from the doped up purple pin cushion

chop chop

Thursday morning at 8:15 is when my surgery is supposed to start.  I have to be there at 6:00 am.  Supposed to be one night in the hospital so I should get to go home on Friday.  I was told that I would have to stay home for 3 weeks and not even be a passenger in a vehicle.  Today I found paper work that said I only had to stay home 1 week.  I am gonna have to ask the surgeon about that one.  I know I won't be able to drive but it would be nice to get out at least a little bit on the weekends.

Just one day older

It was a nice birthday.  Spent most of it in Collinsville at a fund raiser.  Collinsville has such a cool old down town.  I love old buildings!  I saw an Antique shop that I would like to take my little sister in.  Lisa loves the shops that have all kinds of old odds and ends.  I snuck outside when it stopped raining so I could take pictures. 

The Silver Dollar was full most of the day.  I enjoyed spending the day with co-workers outside of work.  Still didn't get to talk much because the live band that was playing.   

This is C C & Company.  The old dude on the drums is our retired Capt.  I can get away with calling him old because he is retired.  Hahaha! he can't fire me anymore. 

Here is the reason so many people worked so hard to make this day happen. 

It was nice that he felt good enough to spend part of the day with us.  I saw him grinning several times today.  I could tell he was grinning, even with the mask on, because I could see his crow feet. 

Tomorrow I am going to Stillwater to see Kita for her Birthday for sure! 

I need to dump all of my photos from today and charge my camera. 

I need hundreds of pictures to go through for when I am stuck at home.