Wheelless

One more week before I go back. I have all of my hopes on the doc letting me drive after the 16th. I think I have said it before, but I have a hard time asking people to do things for me. I know the ones that I ask are glad to help. I would be if the roles where reversed. It is just not in my true nature. I had an Ortho appt. yesterday and a cleaning today. I had to get a ride yesterday. Thank you BA. I know you were busy and it was not easy to stop and give me a ride. Today was easier. The dentist office is less than a block from my office so I walked. I was hoping for nice weather so that I could do that. It turned out nice enough for me to walk home too. The walk did me good and I did not have to get another ride.


Since I have started this blog I wanted to look at myself honestly. I wanted to realize why I am the way I am. What is the cause, the fear, or habit behind behaviors? So my analysis of the dislike of asking others took some thinking. I think it boils down to fear. What if they don't want to do this thing and just agreed to be nice. So many people say things like "Let me know if you need anything" or "Please keep me informed". Do they mean it? Why do I doubt them? Some of the fear comes from bad childhood stuff. I had it hammered into my head enough to not bother anyone with things. So that is probably part of it. But I am not a child anymore and can't just blame this habit completely on that. Why am I so afraid to bother somebody? Part could be I grew up thinking you only ask for help if you are weak. Does my mind set still consider that showing weakness opens me up to pain? I can tell you this is why I don't have a close friend. These are the skills that I lack. The ability to share things, that I perceive to make me vulnerable, leaves me acting and saying awkward things. So if any of you have ever made it to that awkward moment and then wonder where do you go next, you will know what I am talking about. Many, many times I have been amazed at what just came out of my mouth or what my fingers just typed, after I hit enter. Has any of you ever figured out how to take back stupid things that have already been said?
I have tried and just end up making it worse.
Several times.
I do know that NOBODY understands what is going on inside another person's head. Well unless they tell you. Then I still judge it by what I would do. That would mean I don't tell everything. (Of course I wouldn’t, that would make me vulnerable.) So here I sit laughing at myself, again. I do believe that I have done this laughing at myself many times this year.

I have to wonder, is this some little quirk that I live with, or do I need to work on fixing it? You know that part about asking for help. I think as long as my health is good I should be alright. If my health leaves me then I will have to "fix it". So I guess I can set this one on a shelf for a little while, maybe?

It is frustrating for me because I would love to help someone with anything that I am able to but can't seem to let them help me. Please forgive me if you were ever upset because I didn't ask you for help or didn't keep you informed. It isn't that I don't want your help or want you to know. Blame it on my lack of confidence. Because why would anyone really want to mess with all of my...... mess?

The biggest joke? Now I have shared another weakness and feel vulnerable. Now you know when you say something nice to me I doubt you. I doubt you mean it. Be mean or rude to me, I can handle that, I do the attitude thing with no problem. Be nice to me and I don't know how to handle it. I never, never expect the niceness, that way if it doesn't appear then my feelings can't be hurt. Like everyone else I like approval and acceptance. It just hurts me to admit it and I HATE to have that kind of attention in public. Awards are painful for me. I don't mind my boss or co-worker saying thank you. BUT please do not make me stand up in front of anyone. I do not like that kind of attention. I have already talked about that "weakness" on a previous blog. I will get up in front of a crowd of people if I have to. I don't like it. Testifying in court is very, very hard for me to do. But I will do it. It feels like a punishment to me. I also get grumpy about having to do it. Does that sound like a reward? My last boss made me stand up for an award once and I told him if he did that to me again I would leave and go to work for McDonalds. I was serious.

So as I started out saying, all of my hopes are on the doc letting me drive next week. I don't like to worry and it would be nice to mark this fear of having to ask for help off my mental checklist. If I need to go somewhere it would be nice to just get in my little blue car and go. So much easier.
I will hit enter.  I will share this.  So I didn't just set it on the shelf.  I am still looking at this quirk.  My satisfaction?  Sharing didn't kill me.  What we live through makes us stronger.