I am restless tonight. I can't seem to get my mind to settle down.
The rage is too shallow. It keeps itching me. Music seems to move it's boil into a breathable pattern. I feel the need to do something with it. Bleed off some of it and force it into a productive use.
Too many times this week that the frustrations had to be shoved aside. Ignore the rudeness, stare back politely at crappy attitudes. Try not to absorb it. Shake off the feelings of other's disrespect. Smile at them. Give them the answers they want to hear until they become silent. Allow them their ideas that keep them comfortable. Again it is perspective. I have begun to perceive that it is always about perspective. (Read that last sentence with lots of sarcasm!) They perceive they are righteously correct and have been wronged.
Don't we all? I keep trying to get over it too. Are they trying? I can't tell. AND who am I to judge?
Don't we all have a hurt that we carry with us. Pull it out, poke at it. See if it can still stir us up? Believe that we are the only ones that feel this way? Do you feel your hurt shaped you? I suffer this idea. Is it the idea or the hurt that does the shaping? As you can tell I am clueless.
I think I could make a good hermit. IF I could keep my music, and my computer. But I could hide from most of the world.
Hide from so much of the hatefulness. Stew in my own juices and dam out the flood of that outside cesspool that threatens my heart. I can feel my desire to strike back with my rage. I can feel my knowledge, of what would cut the deepest, long to lash back. I see the results of this ugliness everyday. So I push the thought away. Shove it out of the front of my mind. How can this blackness reside in me? I am disgusted when I see it in others. I don't want to let my anger decide how I will act.
Just in the wrong mood for putting my sunny side forward. I need to get physically well enough to drain some aggression. Form it into motivation. That would be a productive use for it. Use it and not allow it to use me. Keep true to me.
I think you have the right idea. You have to release that kind of nastiness and not let it infect you. We are all shaped by our hurts, but you can't give in and let them define YOU. You are more than the sum of your hurts! There is just as much good in life as there is bad. I believe that, and I try to focus on it. I feel, like you, that some days seem to defy that belief. But I hold on to it anyway. I don't want to let the crap win. Don't hide. You are too precious to hide away.
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