Friday, December 11, 2009
Trying to make changes
I have been stuck in my comfortable rut for too long. It isn't even always comfortable. I am such a creature of habit. I love a routine. Wake up at the same time, go to work same time, go to sleep same time. Just because I have always done something doesn't mean I should still do it. I am trying to look at myself honestly. What can I change, or better yet what do I want to change?
I see things that I want to change, like smoking. I have been playing with this for months and something finally clicked. I put them down and I simply do not want one now. All of the times I tried to quit and failed. I don't know why this time is different, but I do not want one at all. I do find myself getting bored. I need to find something....
I avoided cameras and having my picture taken for years. I didn't like seeing how old and fat I looked in pictures. Funny because when I look at myself in the mirror I don't see myself as poorly as when I look at myself in a picture. So I have taken some pictures of myself. Even posted ones that I think are awful. I may not like the wrinkles but they are still there. It is not like nobody else can see them and when I realized that I started laughing at myself. Did I really think that with the mental image of myself at 25 (this is what seemed to be stuck in my head) I could ignore turning 30 then 40? Ok, can't change the fact that I will keep getting older. Can a sense of humor really be all I need for this........
When others asked "would you like to be young again?" I always said no. Life has been such a struggle for me. I don’t want to redo any of those battles! BUT I did say I would like to have the body I had when I was young. I was so active and I felt so much better. Somewhere I gave up on things that I enjoyed, like running, hiking and camping. I was so busy trying to make it through each day, week, month or year that I forgot to have fun. If I want to get rid of the "muffin top" then I need to make some real changes that I can live with. I was making some effort and then winter showed up. I do not like cold wind!! And will never stay motivated to go out in it. I have never joined a gym. I wonder if I have the courage to try.....
Always have had a problem walking into a room of strangers. Always fought the panic to run back out. I hate the feeling of all of the strangers looking at me. It was only recently that I realized this fear came from my childhood. Good grief the number of times I have faced this fear. Silly as it sounds I am amazed and frustrated that it is still there. I may understand why I have it but I still have to face it each time I do something new.
So I have made a start. I still have a long ways to go to get where I want to be.
OH my! We are so much alike, almost like we are sisters! :o) I went to a gym for the first time last night. I felt very odd about it and probably would not have done it, but I was with a friend and it was free. I would still never go alone, but it was not too bad with a friend. And it was nice and cool in there.
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