Repost What?

Monday, January 18, 2010

What?

Just about the time I decide to write something each week I get stumped on what to say.

What else do I want to put down in words here? I am not sure how much more I am willing to put down! I have gone back and read what is already here and wonder, what was I thinking when I put that down?? It is hard to share some of the thoughts that go through my head. I have trouble conveying the feelings correctly. I erase tons more than I leave in here. I am not a writer! My thoughts bounce around more than my topics do.

For the most part I don’t want to write about work. That is how I make a living, I don’t want to be defined by that. There is too much ugly stuff at work. ( I have already confessed to not wanting to be ugly!)

I don’t want this to be a diary. I have way to many things that go through my brain that I should not share with others! I may never admit, fulfill, confess, or do most of those things but they are my thoughts and I don’t want to share them. Yet : )~

I think I have done enough "poor me crap", but I do want to put some of my childhood in here so that my kids and/or grand kids understand why I am the way I am. Plus it has helped me to put a lot of my childhood into perspective.

Sure don’t want this to be my forum for airing my dirty laundry! Watching some of my "friends" share some of the "drama" they have created in their lives is scary. I would want to crawl under a rock and hide from the shame I would feel.

So I sit here trying to think of something safe enough to share but interesting enough to go through the trouble of posting. I know that there are a few people that read this but not how many. My blog manager says that my blogs have been viewed 262 times. Not sure if that includes me going back over and re-reading or not. If so then I can take out about 5-6 of those views. I am glad that someone is reading it. I hope that they can laugh at me with myself. (No it does not say who views or how many times that a person views.)

My little sister keeps a blog on a different site and I really enjoy reading it. I love seeing her words written down! I understand her better because of the blog. Maybe I can get some of that kind of understanding about myself from this effort.

I know that I can write about anything that I am willing to share. But I find that sharing some of this stuff makes me feel vulnerable. That is not something that I am comfortable with. I have hidden behind my attitude for most of my life. It has kept most people at arms length and my heart safe. It is only now as an older adult that I start to figure out that also meant that I let fear keep me from many things. But mostly things that I would have felt deeply. Kinda hard to admit that I have been a chicken shit about so many things. Goes to show that the attitude was and is a bad idea most of the time. It is such a part of me now that I don’t think I can get rid of it completely. If I can learn to shut if off more....maybe. But I can’t redo choices made and regret leaves a bad feeling on my soul. I am making some progress on dealing with regrets.

Okay I really hate describing myself as an older adult. That really SUCKS! I just don’t understand how I got old! I remember very clearly as a child thinking that people in their 30's were old and anyone older was ancient!

Enough! I have gotten no where tonight and my brain hurts from the effort.



p.s. If you want to leave some kuddo or a comment so I know who is reading....

Yes I am asking you to feed my vanity. I know! My vanity and ego is something I am working on but not having much luck with it! Never did get anyone to say why we need egos! They are such a pain!