Repost More Family

Original post on, Saturday, March 20, 2010

More Family

I don’t think I have talked much about my dad. I don’t think of him very often either. He came to mind this week because an old school friend, Kathey, noticed that I had a message from someone she knows. It was from my little ½ brother Joe. Joe had just sent me a friend request on facebook this week. The last time I saw Joe he came to visit me at my little duplex in Tulsa. I moved to Owasso about 12 years ago. So needless to say it has been awhile. Joe and I have the same dad. I didn’t live with my dad growing up. I did spend a few summers with my dad and his new family.

My mom and dad divorced when I was about 4. We lived in Hood River OR. Mom flew us back to Oklahoma when dad left her for the lady that lived next door. I remember the airplane flight! It is one of my oldest memories.

My dad married the neighbor lady. She had 2 kids of her own( Mike and Karen) and then they had 2 boys together (Donnie and Joe). I had not seen or heard from my dad since we moved back to Oklahoma. Not once did we hear from him. From what I have been told he got involved in our custody battle after we were put in the children’s home. That was ½ way through my 5th grade year in 1976. So during the summer between 5th and 6th grade my DAD came to get Danny, Lisa and myself so we could spend the summer with him and his new family in Colfax, Washington.

Let me take you back for just a bit here. When I was little ( before the children’s home) I wanted to have a daddy. I wanted to have a daddy sooooo bad! I used to hide and cry about it. My Grams hated it when we cried so I had to hide. All of the other kids in my school had Dads. Some of their parents were divorced but they knew who their Dad was. I didn’t remember mine. I had no idea what he looked like. I just wanted to know who my dad was. Grams found me crying once and when she asked what was wrong, I told her. I think it was the only time that I didn’t get into trouble for crying. I remember her hugging me and saying that I was better off with out my dad. I didn’t have a clue how right she was.

Okay back to 1976, I have a picture somewhere that has dad, Danny, Lisa and myself sitting on Grandmother Lottie’s couch in Tulsa. We were all so excited that we were going to fly on a plane to Washington. I was so glad to get away from the horrible, horrible children’s home, AND my DAD came to get me. The smile on my face was huge! Just a few minutes after that picture was taken I called my dad "daddy". He was PISSED! He yelled at me to never call him that again! The look he gave me scared me, bad! Guess what? Never called him that again. I was still excited about the plane ride, but was no longer so sure about my dad. It is hard to describe in a few paragraphs how that summer went. I can tell you my brother Danny and my sister Lisa and myself all decided to go back to the children’s home at the end of the summer.

I did enjoy meeting my little brothers. I didn’t even know I had little brothers before that summer. My step-mother was polite to us. She was a good cook. She sure had her hands full with 7 kids! She told me a funny story from when I was 4. She said that before my mom took us back to Oklahoma that I told her that "She was ugly and I did not like her because she stole my dad from my mom". I guess I have had a big rude mouth on me from a young age. See how far I have come?

Donnie was always quiet and stand offish. I remember him laughing with all of us but I don’t remember him talking that much. Joe was just a little guy the 1st time I met him. He loved Fonzy, had the cutest curly hair, the sweetest smile but boy could he be ornery! I liked Joe the best of all of them.

But because we went back to the children’s home I didn’t see Joe again for years. It didn’t bother me a bit when I did not hear from my dad again for years. I didn’t hide and cry for him anymore. I had learned the meaning of mean and cruel. I had some pretty mean spirited house parents at the children’s home but none ever came close to my dad. Not by a long shot. The one thing I did not learn about him during that summer was that he was a child molester. I started getting hints about that the next time I spent part of a summer with him.

I have talked about what a rotten brat I was. Well I was kicked out of the home the last day of my junior year in high school. I ended up on Grams front step. I was doing rotten brat stuff at Grams house and she did not have patience to put up with it. So she dropped me off at my dad’s front step, in Salina Oklahoma. I was still terrified of him. I tried to stay out of the way and to not piss him off. During the week wasn’t so bad because he was at work. But on the weekends my step-mother worked and he was at home.

Stepping back a little bit again. For those of you that have read most of my blogs you know that I was molested by our neighbor when I was 4. I suppressed this memory for years until a family member reminded me of it. So at the lovely awkward teenage years, when I was just noticing boys, I found out that I was a victim as a child. Memories were slowing coming back and I was having a lot of problems dealing with them. How could I want a boy to do that to me now when it was so wrong then? Nobody talked about sex stuff except other kids and they just acted like they knew about it. So this is where I was at that summer.

As an adult I have learned that molesters use charm and fear to catch and keep their victims. I wish that I wasn’t so afraid of him back then. If I was just a little braver I would have stood up to him better. I was still a kid and didn’t have the skills yet, but I was old enough that I was not an easy victim. He was trying everything he could, in a house full of people, to put his hands on me every chance he could. His favorite thing was to wake me up in the middle of the night and try to get me to go into the livingroom with him. Once was enough for me to figure that out and I refused him with threats to make a lot of noise if he didn’t leave my room. I look back now and realize that my step sister knew what was going on because it had been happening to her for years. We shared a bed and I know she was not sleeping through this. I feel so awful for her. Her mother never did believe her, even after she went to the police.

Have you heard the saying "The sins of the father shall be visited on the next generation"? I called my grandmother Lottie. Not Grams that is my mother’s mom. Lottie was my dad’s mom. I told her what was going on and that I needed a ride back to Tulsa. She told me that she could not take care of me but would be glad to come get me. Come to find out that is why she divorced her husband. She caught him molesting their daughter. I lied to Grandmother Lottie and told her that I was going to live with my mom’s family. I had to get out of my dad’s house before he could get what he wanted. So Grandmother Lottie picked me up and dropped me off at Grams house. Grams and Gramps were gone for the summer. That was when I started taking care of myself.

I sure sucked at it at. Had to beg for places to sleep for a long time. It is hard to get a job with out a place to live or a car. It is hard to get a place to live or find money to get a car with out a job. It took me 2 years to finish High School but I finally did.

I hid from all of my family for more than a year. I was scared that I would be made to go back to my dad’s or the children’s home. I was ashamed of the behavior that led Grams to drop me off at my dad’s. It sucks to learn at 17 that the awful position I was in was all my own fault. If I had behaved I would have spent the summer with Grams and Gramps instead of running from my dad trying to get into my pants.

In my infinite teenage wisdom, I figured that I would rather starve first. Funny thing is I damn near did starve. It is just dumb luck or someone above watching out for young idiots that I wasn’t hurt or killed.

It was nice to hear from Joe. It was very nice to see a picture of his smiling face. He said that he keeps in touch with Mike, Karen and Donnie. He said that they are all doing ok, but most of the time it is just when they want something that he hears from them. I didn’t even think to ask if he kept in touch with our dad. I don’t want to know if he does. It was only when my old school friend asked about Joe that it got me thinking.

So when y’all wonder about me, cause I know you do. Have patience. As a good friend of mine says "When you are raised by wolves".... you just don’t act or say the right things most of the time. I learned to mimic and can fake it pretty good most of the time. But I am not always comfortable around people.