Short sighted

I noticed something this week.  I am not the only one that judges the child that I was, by the standards I have now as an adult.  I see this plainly now but it is easy to lose sight of.  All it seems to take is the stirring of a few memories and I am back, trapped, in the mind of that child.  Looking back at the feelings, poking at them.  Remembering the intensity of thinking that my life could never be better, good, safe.  The short sighted view of my childhood, never believing that things would ever end. 
After a few bumps I figured out how to make it through each day.  I didn't realize that each time I made it through another challenge I was stronger.  I was too busy hating, forgetting and keeping a wall up.  The overwhelming feeling of helplessness when I didn't have control made me dream of a day when I was an adult and would be able to make my own way.
I had a few good examples to learn from.  It would probably shock some of the employees from the Children's Home to know that I put them in that category.  Good examples.  That is one of the things that I can look back at as an adult and see where my childish views erred.  They weren't perfect, but then I was far from it too.  But I wanted them to be perfect.  I expected them to be perfect.  Even the best of them fell short of that and I blamed them.  The worst of them left me with an attitude that was unrealistic. 
I still cringe at some of the things I did.  But more for the pain and trouble I caused others.  I can see the things I learned from poor choices.  Many of the stunts entertain me, as long as I don't have to share them.  I am a product of all of that.  I lived and learned.  I forgave or buried what couldn't be.  Some things can't be forgotten forever.  Little hints of pain sneak back to tease the mind.  I pull at them.  Turn them over in my mind.  Look at how they affected me then or now.  It isn't difficult to recognize the pain.  It is easier to let go of it now. 
As an adult I am in control of my direction now.  When I slow down, I notice that things are better, good and safe.  With more than four decades of perspective I can look back and know that everything ends at some point.  So now my challenge is to notice what is here in front of me.  To take joy in something each day.  It is my choice.

 Here is where I found my joy today. 

 
I am still learning who I am and who I can become.  I can still feel with that same intensity I had as a child.  I have learned to not let that intensity overwhelm me. 
For now I had better shut all this down and get some rest.  I have been up late every evening this week playing with photo editing.  That wouldn't be a problem except that horrible alarm keeps going off at 5 am. 

Quiet days

I love days off.  I like when I don't have anything planned and can just relax and enjoy the day.  The luxury of waking up with out an alarm is so sweet.  Taking my time drinking coffee and deciding what, if anything, I feel like doing for the day.  Having Monday off is so nice.  I will pay for it in the morning, but I will worry about that in the morning. 
We went out for a little while last night so I could satisfy my itch to take pictures.  Back out at Stone Canyon.  I wish I could afford to build a house on this lot.  Or better yet to buy all the lots on this cul-de-sac!  I love the view from the bluff looking back south towards Tulsa. 

There is an old tree here that someone has taken the time to trim.  It isn't easy for a tree to get this size in Oklahoma with out some care.  Ice storms, wind storms, and draught all take their toll.  I hope that the person that buys this land will keep the tree. 

As I was walking around taking pictures and enjoying the cooler weather I could hear an Owl hooting near by.  The ground is littered with leaves that have dropped early from the trees because of our long HOT summer.  The sun was low in the sky, the light making things glow that it touched.  It was so nice to be outside to enjoy it all.

The little bit of rain that we have had in the last few weeks did do some good.  Things are starting to turn green again.  A few flowers were scattered about adding a touch of vibrant color.

I was running out of time.  The sun was getting lower and I wanted to take some pictures of the pond that the Stone Canyon development calls the Lake. 

I wish there had been a sky full of beautiful clouds but the few that were scattered around were not near the sunset.  The colors were still pretty.

I love the colors from the sunset but these are my favorite that I took last night. 

I love walking in the woods.  Looking for bits of colorful flowers under the trees.  Listening to only the wind and my footsteps.  I think the BW, and the Sepia, match the view I see in my mind. 
I hope everyone is enjoying their time off for Labor Day as much as I am.

Mr. Man

Mr. Man came to visit us this weekend.  He is so much fun!  Boy has he kept me busy.  He is cutting teeth and might have a touch of a cold.  He ran a fever Saturday and just didn't feel too good.  Some meds helped him to feel better in no time and he wanted down to go play. 
His Mommy mentioned that she likes Sepia tone photos so I thought I might try my hand at editing some for her.  Usually I feel Sepia has too much yellow so I tried to tone that down.

I took most of the yellow out of this one.  So it looks more like a BW.

 He was feeling better after his meds kicked in. 

But he still wasn't feeling great.  The smallest thing made him grumpy.

But his Grandpa came and picked him up and saved him. 

 He makes the funniest faces! I can't help but smile at him. All the time.

Since I was trying the Sepia for her maybe I need to ask her what she likes?  These look more like brown and whites.....

Next month he will be ONE year old. 
Where did that year go? 

So many questions

What do you consider a good day? 
Does everything have to go your way all day for it to be good?  Or can it just end on a positive note, so that makes it a good day?

What do you seek out that gives you pleasure?
Is it things that you buy that make you happy?  Or can you be happy just enjoying what you have already?

What do you notice about others?
Do you think just because someone presents a nice "picture" on the outside that they are nice?  Or do you mistrust the gilded and prefer the plain package?

What gets your attention in a room full of people?
Is it the person that is making the most commotion?  Or is the the one sitting and watching everything else going on?

What do you think others remember about you?
Is it what you have done right?  Or is what you have done wrong?

Can we really accept each person as they are?
Do they have to meet all of our personal standards to be acceptable?  Or can they have strengths and weaknesses of their own?

Can you really learn to forgive yourself?
Do you hold yourself to the same high standards you expect from others?  Or do you realize that the past is part of what shaped you? 

Do you let life turn you negative?
When things go wrong do you look to blame others and expect them to fix it?  Or do you look for answers on your own and be accountable for your own self? 

Do you have to use "something" to make you feel better?
Do you cover your stress with a "patch" so you can ignore it?  Do you let the "patch" take over your life?  Do you lie to yourself?  Do you lie to others to cover up your lies to yourself?  Do you keep so busy that you don't have to think?  Is one type of "patch" better than other types of "patches"? 

SO many questions?  I know I look around at my society and don't like all that I see.  If everything was changed to suit my taste where does that leave others that feel differently than me?  Where does the sense of entitlement come from?  When does the "hate" of the current system reach the blowing level?  Why do so many of us feel that only our way is the right way?  If my answer to a subject is "right" does that make the other's view "wrong"?

Should we push to take each thing all the way to the limit? 

When is the cost too high?

When is too soon to give up on a lost cause?

When do you ask others for help?

Just because you ask for help does that mean you should get it?

Who decides when you have tried hard enough to give up?

I don't know the best answer to any of these questions.  I know what I am comfortable with at this given moment.  I also know that sometimes it is easy to change my mind if another valid view point is brought to my attention.  There are still some things that I will be stubborn about.  There are some lines that I have drawn for myself that I will not cross.  Not all of those lines make sense to others.  They make sense to me and my inner balance. 

On any given day I can fail in my own personal goals for happiness.  I have found that most of those times it is because I have let other's attitudes mean too much to me.

If I want to accomplish something it is up to me to do it. 
Otherwise it is someone else's accomplishment. 

This is what is I need to strive to remember. 

Rain

Wonderful Rain

Wondrous cooling Rain
It is August and the 100 plus temps will be back next week.  But today it was cool enough to turn the AC off for a little while and open up the house for a little bit. 

It was so much cooler this evening.  We went for a drive to Skiatook lake right at sunset.  It was cloudy and I didn't have much time to take pictures cause the light was fading fast!

The moon was coming up and I snapped this picture from the front seat of the truck.  It was soon behind all the clouds.

There were plenty of clouds!

All of this area is normally under water so it was tricky to walk around.  I really had to watch my step!  I like all the blue tones on tonight's pictures. 

 

I had fun playing with the editing too!  One last snap before I walked away.  The sky was so pretty but it was getting too dark.

I was going to go to Stillwater with Mattie tomorrow but there has been a change of plans.  The plan was to take Smidge (the doggie) to stay with Kita for awhile.  BUT Smidge found a skunk this morning.  No way is that dog riding in a car smelling like a skunk.  Maybe next weekend....

Not yet

If I go to bed the weekend will be over.  I am not ready for the weekend to be over.  I am not sleepy enough to lay down yet. 
Maybe the afternoon nap was not a good idea? 
But I am trying to get over a sinus infection with the added bonus of a head cold.  I am feeling better but.....

I sit here with my headphones on with the music up loud.  Deciding what to listen to next.  Looking at photos on flickr.  Amazed at the imaginations and ideas that people have.  So much talent. 

I read something this past week that struck me.  It said something to the sort of......  "Having courage to live an ordinary life each day."  Can you relate to this statement?  There are so many different ways to apply this.  For me, as it is now, I think I will look at it as being happy with ordinary things.  Not getting caught up in wanting too much. 
There have been times when I would have looked at it differently.
Tonight the music is loud enough to sooth me.
I am inspired by what others have shared.
If only there weren't 40 hrs to face outside of the house looming.
Life is still good.

A moment captured

I love how taking a photo can capture a memory.  A moment that can be looked at over and over.  The more you look at it the more you can see.  With all the details captured you can see things you missed when you were there in person.  Still not everything is answered.  The details that are captured can lead to questions.  I like when photos leave me thinking. 

What was he thinking? 

He is always so busy. 

It is getting harder to catch him holding still.

He is so close to walking.  He started pulling himself up on things this weekend. 

Are you watching?

One leg is under him. 

He is up!

 This was the first time he stood himself up.

Time to get a baby gate!