Short sighted

I noticed something this week.  I am not the only one that judges the child that I was, by the standards I have now as an adult.  I see this plainly now but it is easy to lose sight of.  All it seems to take is the stirring of a few memories and I am back, trapped, in the mind of that child.  Looking back at the feelings, poking at them.  Remembering the intensity of thinking that my life could never be better, good, safe.  The short sighted view of my childhood, never believing that things would ever end. 
After a few bumps I figured out how to make it through each day.  I didn't realize that each time I made it through another challenge I was stronger.  I was too busy hating, forgetting and keeping a wall up.  The overwhelming feeling of helplessness when I didn't have control made me dream of a day when I was an adult and would be able to make my own way.
I had a few good examples to learn from.  It would probably shock some of the employees from the Children's Home to know that I put them in that category.  Good examples.  That is one of the things that I can look back at as an adult and see where my childish views erred.  They weren't perfect, but then I was far from it too.  But I wanted them to be perfect.  I expected them to be perfect.  Even the best of them fell short of that and I blamed them.  The worst of them left me with an attitude that was unrealistic. 
I still cringe at some of the things I did.  But more for the pain and trouble I caused others.  I can see the things I learned from poor choices.  Many of the stunts entertain me, as long as I don't have to share them.  I am a product of all of that.  I lived and learned.  I forgave or buried what couldn't be.  Some things can't be forgotten forever.  Little hints of pain sneak back to tease the mind.  I pull at them.  Turn them over in my mind.  Look at how they affected me then or now.  It isn't difficult to recognize the pain.  It is easier to let go of it now. 
As an adult I am in control of my direction now.  When I slow down, I notice that things are better, good and safe.  With more than four decades of perspective I can look back and know that everything ends at some point.  So now my challenge is to notice what is here in front of me.  To take joy in something each day.  It is my choice.

 Here is where I found my joy today. 

 
I am still learning who I am and who I can become.  I can still feel with that same intensity I had as a child.  I have learned to not let that intensity overwhelm me. 
For now I had better shut all this down and get some rest.  I have been up late every evening this week playing with photo editing.  That wouldn't be a problem except that horrible alarm keeps going off at 5 am.