The price paid....

I had some unexpected news this week.  My father passed away.  I wish I was heartbroken.  That would mean that I loved him and would miss him.  I am sad that I didn't get to have a relationship with him.  Let me rephrase that.  I am sad that I did not have a decent dad to have a relationship with.

I remember wanting to have a daddy when I was a little girl.  I would hide and cry about it.  After we were put in the Home I dreamed that he would come save me.  I had no idea how horrible that dream would turn out to be.  What an ugly dream come true. 
My little Brother sent me a message to tell me about his passing.  He wasn't sure if I would want to know about him dying.  I know very little.  He was under hospice care and he passed this week.  I haven't been able to get a hold of my Brother since then.  I was shocked at how much it distracted me at work.  I wasn't sure how to feel.  Should I be relieved?  Should I cry?  Should I dance?  How do you excuse even making a statement like, "should I dance"?  How many people are shocked by that?  How many people would be shocked if they knew what he hid?  There were a few of us that knew. 

I don't want to celebrate the fact that he has died.  I think holding on to that kind of attitude feeds the darker part of me.  (That sounds stupidly dramatic but I can't think of a better way to explain it than that.)  I can live with feeling relief.  That is what I kept feeling when I found out.  Relief.  He won't ever hurt anyone else again.

He hurt so many people.  He ruined dreams and hearts and left scars on his family.  He had seven children, and at least 10 grandchildren.  Plus many more step-children.  How many of them were his victims?  How many of them were there for him when he was sick?   Was it worth it for him?  Did he mourn the loss of his family?  I don't even know how many of them kept in touch with him.  I have barely talked with my little Brother about him.  I hope that any of his children that needed to say goodbye to him were able to.  It is hard on the heart if there is unfinished business.

Did he ever feel, in the end, that the ability to have access to a victim was too high of a price to have paid?  Or did he feel that there was nothing wrong with his "wants".  I can not say because I did not know his heart.  I only knew his dark side.