Life is full of ups and downs. Just when you think you have things under control you can find yourself laying flat on your back wondering what knocked you down.
My childhood showed me that life can throw ugly bullets at you at any time and that it is not always possible to dodge them. It isn't easy to pull your self up when you have been knocked down.
I have watched friends and family when they were not able to dodge the ugliest bullets. I have cried when their hearts have been broken. My heart has hurt for them while they have struggled.
I wonder what bullet will catch me next.
It will happen.
No way to keep it from happening.
My family shake their heads at me. I see their feelings on their faces. I think they are even more uncomfortable when I cry than I am.
But I know that I can't dodge every bullet. Just when I want something so badly.... I remember that it has been awhile since one has caught me and I fear. The fear hits me fast. I like to think I don't live with worry but it is there in the back of my thoughts. Ready to sneak in and catch me unaware. I don't like the unaware moments. They hurt. AND I seem to make a fool of myself when I am surprised. I want them to stay hidden from most peoples view. That way I can pull them out and poke at them when I am alone. I don't want to share them in public.
The more I have, the more I have to lose.
Where the Hell did I put that wall?
My childhood showed me that life can throw ugly bullets at you at any time and that it is not always possible to dodge them. It isn't easy to pull your self up when you have been knocked down.
I have watched friends and family when they were not able to dodge the ugliest bullets. I have cried when their hearts have been broken. My heart has hurt for them while they have struggled.
I wonder what bullet will catch me next.
It will happen.
No way to keep it from happening.
My family shake their heads at me. I see their feelings on their faces. I think they are even more uncomfortable when I cry than I am.
But I know that I can't dodge every bullet. Just when I want something so badly.... I remember that it has been awhile since one has caught me and I fear. The fear hits me fast. I like to think I don't live with worry but it is there in the back of my thoughts. Ready to sneak in and catch me unaware. I don't like the unaware moments. They hurt. AND I seem to make a fool of myself when I am surprised. I want them to stay hidden from most peoples view. That way I can pull them out and poke at them when I am alone. I don't want to share them in public.
The more I have, the more I have to lose.
Where the Hell did I put that wall?
Girl, we are all just the walking wounded. My heart aches to think about you crying. Life is so very painful. Do we ever really loose any little hurt that ever touched us? I don't think so. Seems like we pack it in a bag and tote it around. Just remember how many people love you. I love you. Your favorite sister.
ReplyDeleteIf I could just keep from crying in public I could survive most things. I hate, hate, hate sharing my pain in public! Crying never fixes it. It just makes me and all the others I subject it to uncomfortable.
ReplyDeleteI need to work on my "stiff upper lip". ;)
I know... but sometimes your eyes just leak. Like your emotions are just so full that they just run over the edge. It just happens. I hate it, too.
ReplyDelete