Because I am no different than any other human. Well, maybe not all others are like this, but I know at least a few are. I have seen them so I know that makes them real. No really. I think.
What I am trying to say is, I don't think I am the only one that wants what I don't or can't have.
If it is boring at work I want excitement. If it is too challenging then I want things to go back to boring. When I was off recovering from surgery and couldn't make it through a day with out a nap, I was sick of them. Today at around 2:00 I would have loved to be able to take one. One thing I never wish for is winter. I might wish for spring or fall on the hottest summer day, but never winter.
It makes it sound like I am never satisfied with what I have. But I am. I would like to have a few things different but that doesn't mean I am unhappy. I have a nice car but if I had to give it up tomorrow I would be alright with that. If someone asked me if I would like a nicer car I could honestly answer, sure, but I won't be upset if that never happens. I take pleasure in nice things but they are not what makes me happy.
Sitting at my daughter's dining room table after she fed me dinner this week and watching the pleasure she got from having her family at her house, that made me happy. Getting a phone call from my oldest daughter just cause she wanted to talk to me about a good purchase she found makes me happy. Watching my stepson sing nursery songs to his child makes me happy. Seeing that "guilty little boy" look on my husband's face makes me smile every time. Spending the evening with my Grandmother playing cribbage makes me happy. It doesn't matter how many times I see or hear these things they always touch my heart.
There are things that I long for desperately. I long to hold my children as babies again. When they were young I was often too busy to truly appreciate them. I long to eat one of my Grandmother Clark's warm homemade sugar cookies. Her memory has failed her and she can no longer cook. Cooking for her family was the easiest way for her to show her love. I would love to give my Grandmother Lottie a hug again. She was such a gentle person. But God has already taken her.
So while thinking about all of this I have concluded that while I might be wishy washy about some stuff, it is just the fluff stuff. When it is the things that make my heart skip a beat, I don't have any doubts. What I do need to do is pay more attention and enjoy each of those moments. They never last very long. The child grows up, the cookies get eaten, and the hug only lasts for a few precious moments. The memory might be all I have of these things but they are such good memories. I have to pay attention so that I can remember the things that I enjoyed this week so I can add them to my list of good memories.
Maybe if I write them down.
Take pictures of them.
Re-live them in my mind.
Dream of them.
Share them.
Maybe then it will help keep the thought of that child fresh when they are grown. It might help me to remember the taste of crab apple jelly in the center of those warm sugar cookies. Or to remember the gentle heart that always made me feel accepted.
So I loved the way baby (or toddler) Mik ran around me in circles while I sat on the floor. I liked his smile. I liked grabbing him up and stealing a few kisses before I sat him back down. I loved hearing him laugh when my sister pretended to eat his fingers. I loved watching him crawl around under Gram's dining room table. I remember his dad crawling under that table. I LOVE the history of that. I love that my Grams was in a good mood tonight and seemed to enjoy her great great Grandson.
I will probably always be wish washy about the fluff stuff. After all it is only exciting if it doesn't happen all the time. I am ready to be bored at work again. It can start next week. I might even be happy with it being boring for several weeks before I start looking around wondering what could I possibly stir up.
I think I might go take me a nap now.
We need to try hard to remember to be thankful for what we can do now, while we can still do it! When your girls were babies, you had a lot on your plate. But even with that, you were a wonderful mother. You always put them first and because of that, they are beautiful, (inside and out) independent, thoughtful young ladies.
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